Two week ago I found out that my husband of almost 4 years had an affair since January while we were trying for a baby with a 15 years younger girl he met on business trip. He said it was serious and he loved her. I went crazy! I totally lost it! At first I was so angry that I couldn’t cry and once I started crying I couldn’t stop.
I haven’t been able to work since I found out and I am so confused. He said that he told off the other girl and wants to be with me. I can’t even stand he’s face. I went physical and attacked him several times.
I always wanted to be married and have kids but he has broken our marriage and home.
I am so confused. I love him but I don’t know if I can live with this if I take him back. I know I will be paranoid and check over him constantly.
Most annoyingly he has told me several times that if I would ever cheat he would leave me straight away and I know he means it. Its like I am suppose to swallow my pride and take him back.
I am so deem messed up.
Hi PixieP. Can i ask, just to try and help you through,
What were the circumstances of him telling you about the affair?
What was his reasoning for having the affair?
I understand your pain and would like to try and help you. Xxx
Hi bbcookie, I appreciate all the help!
He never told me, I found out myself after all these changes I saw in him, I knew something was off. Of course he lied straight away and later admitted that he was about to confess once we got home (we were on holidays when I found out).
He said it was not physical but more deep, that I never have proper conversation with him but for me it is BS.
I also asked him what she had told him when he told her that it was finished between them, he said she was understanding and said fine. Obviously she is not fine because she has been trying to contact him. Another of he's lies..
Im sorry pixiep.
Thats horrible and you must feel so torn apart.
I guess I went through a similar situation last october, and i guess i am still recovering.
I think a big part of whether or not you can and should get over it, is about him and your relationship together.
Do you trust what he is telling you because it seems not, and thats ok, i dont think i would too if someone gave me their reason for cheating as that you dont have a real conversation with him.
It takes 2 to tango and if that is his reason he shouldve "had a real conversation with you" and told you how he felt before he cheated, or after the first time. But instead he waited until you found out. The made you feel like the **** because he lied and said he hadnt.
He has to prove he can be trusted.
He has to show that he is trying to be a better and more supportive, understanding and honest partner... For You And for your relationship?
And i guess if he doesn't do those things then you probably shouldnt give him the time of day. How do you know she has been trying to contact him and have you confronted him with this lie?
Do you feel like their were any probs in ur relationship before this happened? What do You think the reason he cheated was?Be honest with yourself and verbalise it here. If you wznt to keep chatting i will check in to keep supporting. :)
Did you get back together with your man?
I feel horrible and broken and very down in general. I think he ended it with this girl but it being only recent I still have hard to believe that its over between them. He has been apologising and begging and assured me that its over and that he wants to save our marriage.
I logged into he's Skype that he used to chat with her and she had tried to add him back to he's list. I confronted him and he said he has not been in contact with her since he ended it. But again it is too hard to believe it..
I think every marriage has its issues but I never thought that they were so big that he had to cheat. I have had my moments and thought that hell with this but my better thoughts always won.
I am extremely hurt by the fact that we were planning for a baby for 1,5 years and its been difficult and now it will be pushed even further in the future. Who knows when it is going to happen for me now? I always wanted kids and only the idea of not having a baby soon kills me. I am only 30 but I wanted to have kids since I can remember.
I appreciate all your support bbcookie, it is refreshing to talk to someone who does not know me. He's family is soon coming back from overseas and it will be very hard for me because I know they will beg me to keep him and make it harder for me to decide.
I found out last sept after 23 years together my husband had an affair. I can not get past it. We are living together but separately. He can not afford to move out and or son is having a hard time with us separating. Our son has Asperger's and the last 3 years has lost a friend to suicide his favorite Aunt at age 39 to cancer and his grandfather my dad just this past Jan. I am trying for him but not sure how much longer I can . You need to take care of yourself no more hurting him he is not worth getting arrested . Talk to a therapist if you can punch a bed or pillow but please take care of you first.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar position. My wife told me in November that she has had not 1 but 2 affairs over the past 4 years. We have been trying to have another kid since last July but I really can not because I am so upset with the way she has treated our marriage. I hope that your husband really shows you that he wants you and wants to make it work with you. It is a process that needs to be taken seriously not every now and then but everyday to show you just how much he loves you and cares about your marriage. I know it is tough the first few weeks I felt the same way it does not get any easier i will be honest but it does get better and you will be able to live your life again, hopefully it will be as a couple!!!
I am like in this evil circle because he is the only one I have in this country and I miss him so much. He was the first person I told anything to and my hugger when I wanted a hug and now I have got nothing.
I have asked him to quit the job because this job requires travelling (I told him from the beginning that I will not be happy with he's travelling) and travelling is what caused the whole problem. He initially refused but then said ok I will quit and gave me one million excuses what will happen if he does that. It wold mean that I would have to pay mortgage etc and I do not have that kind of money. Like what is this? You can and will quit the job if you want our marriage to work.
I told him to change he's phone numbers and obviously he refused saying its on business cards etc. Another blow. So what is he willing to do then? He only wants to please himself and I am suppose to take him back and deal with this ****?
He has been asking me what he can do to make it work but if he can't do these major things then what is there left? I also expect him to read between the lines, like send me flowers or something good dammit. He cannot read between the lines! Once in my life I am not telling him what to do and he can't do a ****. He keep saying he tries but I am sorry, I only read big words but see no action what so ever.
He proposed to go to a therapist and I am thinking what is he waiting for? He has probably not even looked for one.
Is this trying?? I don't think so? Talking is not trying!
Im sorry if I feel selfish and only talk about my own issues, I just do not have energy to think of anything else.
I sincerely appreciate everyones encouraging words and I do hope I eventually get out of this crap, with our without him.
I am going through the same think Honey. And what has been helping me is to really dig deep and really think about do I really love this man or not? Do I love him enough to forgive him for this level of betrayal? Am I staying with him because it is 'easier' or 'simpler'? My to these questions my answers was I do love him and each day he is proving to me that he loves me too. We started counseling and this has really helped me the most.
Right now in this situation you have every right to be selfish - because your husband has been the selfish one. I know it is hard to think through your feelings right now because all you feel is hurt and pain and your chest is so tight because your heart is broken.
DRPR is right each day you get farther away from 'D-Day' the easier it gets. I was told on May 12th and I was finally able to truly laugh this weekend.
If you and your husband haven't started couple counseling I would highly recommend you do and at the very least you should consider individual counseling or talking with someone who can listen.
Remember - one day at a time.
@DanyelleAnita I do love him but I feel like he does not do enough to fix it. He said he don’t know what to do and keep asking me what he is should do. I cannot tell him what to do, by now he should already know what would make me happy. I want him to do things because he wants to not because I ask. I have asked but as I wrote in my previous post, he is not willing to make these changes I asked for.
We have not started counselling, he did propose that but that is all he did. I think he waits me too look for one and organise everything but I will not do that and make HE’S life easier.
I am suppose to start continue with my hormone tablets today in order to conceive and I don’t know if I should start. I am so desperate to have a baby that I think I am willing to do anything, including living in an unhappy marriage. I feel so stupid that I even think like that.
I do take day by day. I was able to take leave from work for 3 weeks, to just be with myself.
It always drives me nuts when my husband ask "what do I need to do?" - I always want my answer to be - go back in time and put your stick back in your pants!
I am sorry he isn't willing to make the changes you have asked for - and I know if sucks but if he is such a screw up with your marriage and wasn't committed before I don't think he is going to take the extra steps to make an appointment with a counselor. I know it is hard for you to think straight right now and you don't want to think about it anymore because it takes up every oz of energy you have but you may have to make the steps to get the counselor set up - this is NOT for 'him' but for you! I am telling you once you start having someone to talk to, like a counselor, you will start to feel a weight lift off because they are there 100% to listen and guide you through this difficult time. You wouldn't be organizing the counselor for him but for YOU!
Remember to take time for yourself! You are lucky you were able to take some time off to step away from your job to focus on what is going on in your marriage and in your heart. I didn't have that option and I wish I would have.
The hormone tablets this is a little out of my area. I don't have children but I understand the importance they are to the ones who have them (I have 10 nieces and nephews). But what I can talk about is being a child raise in an unhappy marriage - it sucks. You stated you want a child so badly that you are willing to live with an unhappy marriage but you future child doesn't have that choice. My parent's yelled, scream, broke things, drank, and beat us kids and each other throughout my childhood - it was hell on earth some days and I never had a choice in the matter - that was and still is my family. Please, remember that when you are making that decision. You need to do what is best for yourself right now but please don't forget that.
Hopefully my rambling is helping even a little bit. I am grateful for this group to know I am not alone in the world and other people are having the same thoughts as me.
@DanyelleAnita everything you say does make sense.
I think he was committed before, or at least I think he was and I cannot force him to do anything he does not want to do. I have always had a such an open mind and I never refused him to do what he wanted as long as he is happy. He has not given me the same feeling as yet…
I have been looking for counsellors but I have not taken that final steps to book one.
Me as well have seen my parents screaming and yelling and do all sorts of things so I totally understand what you are saying and all you are saying helps because I can force myself to see things in different light and not only dig myself down with my stupid thoughts.
@PixieP I read some of your post in here but not all but let me share something and maybe it will make u lighten up a bit. My husband is having an affair and maybe is still is. There is no way for me to find more things but since all these started which is about 6 months ago... there is not much changed and is probably worse. You are lucky still because your husband said he ended the affair and is even willing to go therapy even if he still have not really started it. My husband plainly said in the beginning that he is not sure what he wants... and now he said he wants out. He never put any other effort and comforting word for me. It is just like he was already decided in the beginning that it is already over for us. Though in your situation you might feel that it is at worst and it is... I believe you and I know how that feels. But now, coming from me... He did not even try and is still not trying. It is always frustrating for us because we have our expectations and if we don't get them it seems to be the end of the world. Though in my situation, I think mine is worst... I realized shortly after going this support group that people in here have the same problems and some even worst. Being married longer than my 16 years and still have issues. Give him also a chance, my mistake was all the small things that he was doing... I did not se and all i saw was all the big mistakes that he was doing. My father came last night and being silent for all these time, came for one of the worst days of our marriage in the last 6 months, thinking he will be on my side. he came and told me what was wrong with me and what was right of him. I have encountered all these people and all they have to say was to agree how bad he was and what he was doing. For the 1st time in my 6 miserable months. He came and told me how I was so focused on the bad things he was doing... not realizing that he was still with me...coming home everyday to sleep in our house. He said... as a man of plenty experience... that when a man truly found someone more important than his wife... there is no other reason that will stop him to leave regardless of the kids or money. But he said I did not see all the small efforts he was doing. He in really doing the bad thing that he is doing and I cannot change that now. But he said if you truly want to give someone a chance... do not focus on the big mistakes and look at the small things. like us... we try to give ourselves the push but do we expect so much from ourselves? We don't ,right? we give ourselves chance to slowly move on... it should be the same chance we should give them. It was just very true... Though mu situation will not change in a day.... or a month or maybe years... I don't know. But we should just focus on the day we are at and look at the small good things from our selves and same as for our better half. I am teaching myself to no longer waste my time checking... I will only;y find things that are hurtful and things I am not able to control... only your husband can know what is on his mind and what he will do. No matter how we fantasized and wished they will not do the things that will hurt us... they will still do what they want to do. In your case I don't know how long this has been going on. My perspective 6 months after is so different from when this first started and what I learn from day to day. I am not saying that i am tolerating what he is doing but what I am saying is like what I tell myself to really start focusing on myself. We can really only control our selves and not his. The more we push the other half to do what we want... I have learned now that the more they do the things we don't want. Be gentle to yourself... I should have done the same thing for me long time ago. But I am stubborn and I have learned from my mistakes maybe a little to late.
Hugs to you... I can totally feel what you are feeling. I have been there and I am still there. But I am trying to learn more positive things to make myself better nowadays. You are not alone and I am here i you have questions and needs support.
@KatrinaMarielle @KatrinaMarielle Thank you for your support and I truly feel bad for you that your husband is not trying…
I try everyday not to go to this dark place but some days I cannot resist. I have pushed him several times by saying he stopped loving me and he does not want to be in this marriage anymore. He has each time said he loves me and wants to fix this. In he’s mind this girl had nothing to do with this but he is so wrong and I have told him that. If she would have not done this with him we would never be where we are now. Yes we have our issues but so does any other marriage.
I truly do not know if this marriage can be saved or not. I know myself too well and I know that I will not let him forget this so easily. He said that he’s love towards me can be affected if I keep doing this. I guess this is the price that needs to be paid. I have been in similar situation before and the best decision that I ever made was to let him go and I never felt more relieved and happy. I now wonder if this is the way this marriage end as well. I don’t know if I can hurt myself that much and I don’t know if he is worth keeping… On the other hand, I would probably not find out if I will not try…
I am very confused still, will take me a while to figure it out…