Two weeks ago today, my wife asked for a divorce. I was cau

Two weeks ago today, my wife asked for a divorce. I was caught completely off-guard, and I do not want to get one. She is adamant and does not want to talk at all about reconciliation or counseling. She says she is done. We have two children (6 and 2). We have had fights, but she gave no sign up to a week before she told me that she was feeling this way. She was loving - we hugged, kissed, held hands and we told each other we love you at least once a day. She went on a work trip three and came back a different person. Cold, would not want to connect. I confronted her a week after the trip, and she told me she wanted a divorce. No discussion, no counseling. She said she had needed time to think and that she thought we would be great friends. She just did not want to be my wife. I was upset and she got very cold. She told me that she has been feeling this way for a long time, but never showed it. I was wrecked and have been struggling emotionally since. She is not cheating on me, as she let me check her accounts and gave no other sign prior. I am grieving hard for losing my best friend and wife. I am so confused as to how she can be so loving one week then dead the other. Has anyone experienced something like this? She does not want to talk about us only about how to split stuff, money and the kids time. I am really lost right now. I do not know what to do.

1 Heart

I don’t have children, but i recently I’ve gone through something similar with my husband. I knew things weren’t wonderful, but by no means did I think divorce was around the corner.
He moved out in March without any warning.
Since that time I have done the begging (I would advise you not to) which just makes you feel worse in the end.
The one thing that has helped me.... work on yourself spiritually. It is the only thing that has kept me going (even if some days it’s only from the bed to the couch).
Give your wife some space for her to think, some space for her to miss you and some space for her to work on herself.
She has to want to come to you and work on the marriage.
I cried and pressured my husband to work on us. It only pushed him farther away.
Invest your time into your children, yourself and your faith. If she’s going to come back, she has to want to on her own.
I will be praying for you.

1 Heart

Thanks Sknp. I am trying to not to push as it has the opposite effect as you said. As an example, I wrote an email to her today, but I did not send it. How did you cope with not knowing why or why he would be so hurtful? I thought I was strong, but this has rocked me. Did he ever say?

@BuzzyB

The struggle is real Buzz…

I went through the exact same thing.

Back in 2016, my ex and I went to Vegas, just us, to Costa Rica, then to Punta Cana to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We were getting along great. Held hands, kissed, told each other we loved each other.

Out of nowhere, she changed. 2 weeks after returning from Punta Cana, she told me "I love you, but I Don't think I'm IN love with you. I want to try a separation". Blind-sided, just like that. I checked her phone, at first there was nothing there. I pulled the phone records by logging in to the cellular account, and there it was. Its not hard to delete text messages and call logs, but its still gonna show on the phone bill. She was cheating on me for the 3 months prior to her saying "I'm unhappy".

People can easily cover their tracks if they did something, sometimes they get away with it. I have no idea if your wife did anything, maybe she didn't and it's just pure speculation, I just find it strikenly ironic how it went down - she went away on a business trip and came home a different person.

That's not normal. People just Don't change overnight without a life changing experience that caused it, at least in my eyes, so...

2 Hearts

@Michael72 In July, before filing for a divorce the end of August, my ex-narc said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” We’d been married 24 years, this was like a punch in the gut!

Thanks Michael72 for the feedback. Deep down I suspect she is but I have no proof. She could easily have a relationship with a person at her work and I would never be able to see. The proof will be in the future. If she is in a relationship shortly after it is final, it is certain that she did. I just simply do not know, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Thanks again for the comment.

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My stbx one day decide he didn’t want to be with us (four kids and me, oldest soon to be 6) anymore and just walked out. I’m still in shock and am trying to process everything. But I totally understand about losing your best friend. I was reading something about the cubs the other day and went to send it to him and stop myself. I suddenly realized that he was the reason I’ve been pulling for the cubs for the last 15 years. My go to person for sending funny stories, talking sports or planning new places to eat is suddenly gone. It’s hard but I’ve been focusing on my children and how much happiness they bring me. I don’t know if it help but you’re not alone.

2 Hearts

Everyone thank you for the feedback. This has been harder than losing my mom unexpectedly. At least then I had my wife to hold on to. Now it has been a full system shock. Don't get me wrong; I am not a saint. However, at least I have been honest with her. That is the part that hurts the most. I thought I knew her and I was very wrong. I am focusing on my kids. I actually have two with her and one with my first wife. I am still good friends with my first wife and we ended amicably - she was deep in the church and I was not. They are a blessing and I try to focus on them. I have been feeling so alone lately. It is good to know I am not alone.

1 Heart

@BuzzyB EXACT same thing happened to me. My STBX went to school for work for five weeks, came home and said it was over. No working on it, no counseling, just done. It was like an alien came home, he wouldn’t even look at me. He claims he realized he likes being alone. I have a feeling, no evidence, that he cheated on me while he was there and this is how he can have no guilt about it. Or he really truly is having a midlife crisis. He’s dressing younger and acting immature. It’s not just with me, it’s with the kids too. The man I married never would have been satisfied with letting weeks go by without seeing his kids. I am heartbroken. It is devastating.

@Colleen14 I am sorry and I know how you feel. This support group has been fantastic, and all your comments have helped me greatly. If anyone wants to reach out and talk, I am open to that.

@BuzzyB I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Most of us here have been through something similar, a declaration that came out of no where and then the end of our marriage.
Personally, I believe we go through periods of love and periods of not being in-love in a marriage. I think that's normal. We took the vow, "til death do us part" so we'd stay together until our feeling got strong again. Unfortunately, not many people believe this way - at least my ex-husband didn't.
When this happened to me, I isolated in my home. I'm going to recommend no matter how badly your hurting that you get out of the house, even if you just walk around the block or sit outside in the sun. Work doesn't count as getting out of the house.
I also recommend you continue to write how you feel, post here on the SG. Posting here and getting the compassion and support was instrumental to helping me heal. Beside getting your feelings out in the open, so you take the power away from them, writing is very cathartic.
I wish I knew of something that would minimize your pain. I can promise you that your pain will subside and your future is much better than you may think. You will get through this.
I truly wish you the best!

Thank you for your words @GirlKitty. I am trying to get out and not isolate myself. That first week was a spiral into isolation and loneliness, and was one of the worst weeks of my life. I am getting out this weekend to spend time with friends, and this past Sunday I attended a Unitarian church and asked to join. I have been writing in a journal everyday and along with these posts it is helping me go through the grieving process. I agree you need help to get through this. I really appreciate your support and kind words. This post has helped me see I am not alone.

1 Heart

I do agree that there has to be a trigger event for a person to change overnight. There is a very high possibility of an affair. All the feel good hormones are there when people cheat and then the downers are there when the person is with the spouse. And all she will look forward to is that fantasy of being happy with him, not knowing that it will come tumbling down when the cycle is repeated. It inevitable repeats. You just need to learn the hard lesson and protect yourself and your kids. As suggested, take care of yourself spiritually, but also physically, mentally and emotionally because the memories will haunt you. But there is always hope and things will get better.

I am still not sure of the affair, but I definitely agree it is a good possibility. The reality is she is smart and if she wants to hide it, I will likely not see it until we split and she is with someone. I need to accept I do not have control and I need to focus on me and the kids. Whatever is going on is about her. She is with my son on vacation as we booked a vacation resort before she asked for divorce. I have been facetiming my son, but we cannot look at each other. I also let her know how I was coping and moving on and said we should be honest with each other as we process. She said great that you told me but you do not have to keep me updated as things change. So cold and distant. I am not pushing but working on moving forward and being their for my children. I do not have any hope we will reconcile, but hope we can be good enough to each other for the kids. @TofuOrNotTofu thanks for your words.

From Romantic Relationships to Divorce & Separation

From Romantic Relationships to Divorce & Separation