Ugh! So frustrated with myself! I've been doing well in term

Ugh! So frustrated with myself! I've been doing well in terms of seeking NC with my ex-Narc. But today, I cracked! I text him, I mailed him a Christmas Card, I emailed him. *facepalm* This absolutely not what I want. NC has been the best choice I've made in ages, I've been moving on, and seeing him for the destructive Narc that he is.

I thought I was strong enough to finally clean off my voicemail which I knew probably held messages from him from weeks back. Nope, wrong!!! I heard his voice, and I cracked. All the lovey feelings I haven't been able to 100% turn off rushed back. This man was my one and only for many years, and its the first Christmas without him (even though generally, with him, Christmas was a time of depression and hurt!) and I cracked like an egg on cement. Its like all the weeks of therapy and the progress I've made completely flew out of my head and I was back to being the bullied girlfriend, desperate for his approval.

SO annoyed with myself right now. I seriously he does not reply to a single thing I did. I had finally breathed a sigh of relief after so long with NC from him or I. I know today I'm going to be constantly checking my phone, sickly hoping he responds, praying he doesn't.

Any advice on slips and how not to do them? :)

@sialia
What helps me is to remember all the horrible things he did. I do it mentally but write them down as a list. Tell yrself to make a list and then if u still want to contact him after that u will. U have to trick and train ur brain.

1 Heart

@iwillgetout Thank you! Running off for pen and paper now. Great idea! It was easy to forget the bad when I heard his voice and fool myself into ignoring all the bad. Thanks!!

What I realized is that I wanted a normal loving relationship which the narc only pretends but can never really give. Keeping that in mind and coming to this sight to read stories that are identical to mine keeps me from caving. It's tough. I too fight the urge everyday to contact mine. Stay strong.

In the past, I always broke no contact and he played his games and control; each time I went back, and his abuse and cruel treatment lasted longer, was more intense and brutal. My final departure was a little more than a year ago, I broke contact shortly after and he invited me over, only to slam the door on me almost slamming my fingers and blamed me for putting my fingers where the door could slam. I rang the doorbell and then he yelled out that he wanted to punch my face. I was so hurt and broken. He closed the windows, and I could hear the microwave go on and he walked away. I called him later only to be sworn at and blamed. After that, I kept no contact since. After all I worked hard for, I know if I ever had contact with him, he could break me and I'd revert to that unloved, devalued and self blaming being because he knows my vulnerabilities and has no empathy and can manipulative with lies and deceit. What keeps me away is keeping it real, acknowledging his true character, his inhumane treatment, him never changing, the pattern of only getting worse and his self centeredness, a need to control and I deserve far better.

Don't beat yourself up. Start over again with no contact. Remember your xnarc has no feelings love or all those wonderful things you have. As much as you want to believe your relationship was real. Each time you think or want to contact him. Have your notes ready and remember why your not with him. I know it's hard. I've thought about..then I remember narcs are monsters. Then I think about how I'm getting myself back mentally. ..big hugs:)

All is not lost, tomorrow is a new day dust yourself off, back to NC and carry on xx you'll get there