ughh this weekend wasn't one of my best.
Friday I went to dinner with dj and we had a fun time. Saturday night we had a couple of our close friends over for beer pong and the whole night he was giving my female friend his attention. complimenting her shots, joking with her, asking to be on a team with her (which, not that it matters, but I was focusing and doing better than her and the other teammate so that he would want to be on my team again) and so on. the only reason this was upsetting to me was because she is one of my best friends that I introduced him to, and also because he wasn't giving me the same attention, if ANY attention, that night. I was hurt and heartbroken, and totally exhausted to make things worse. I spoke to my friend about it throughout the night and she agreed that this was happening. I was very distant after that and he decided to sleep on the couch. he left at around 2 am to "go on a walk". I was so mad because I knew this meant he was just gonna go see someone else that could make him happy and not cause problems. so while he was gone I packed up all of my cats food and stuff to take back to my place. at this point it was 3 am and I was walking to my car carrying my cat and her litterbox. he stopped me outside of my car, turns out he was close by. He was really upset because the action of me taking my cat back to my college dorm meant that we were probably over. We have been taking care of my cat together since I moved in with him. we walked it out, outside by my car in the cold. I finally let a lot out and was yelling for awhile, but he just kept listening and trying to reassure me of things. I went back inside to calm down and talk to him and ended up staying the night.
he sees this all as progress and so do I, but the only thing is that I don't feel any better about these worries.
I spoke to a new therapist, which I didn't really like but im hoping to find one a click with soon, and she told me that the things he does would drive anyone crazy. I thought it was just making me so upset because I have confidence issues and im sensitive to him being friendly with girls that flirt with him or have history with him. I think that's fair. but these examples and scenarios are unfair to be in in the first place. I never put him in this position, I am complimented at least once a day and oftenly hit on, but he never has to worry about me with other guys because I am committed to him and they all know that.
After bringing up his behavior with my friend that night, his answer was that everyone was just drunk. I spoke with him about the 8 (eight!!!!) specific women (which most of them he sees everyday) im worried about and his specific interactions with them that have caused me to worry. he seemed understanding and it all made sense to him. he offered to let me go through his phone and some other things but that's not what I want. it wouldnt make me happy to go through his phone and find nothing because I don't want to have to do that, I want to just be able to trust him.
anyway, he saw this as progress and so did I in some ways. this was progress for me because I opened up and was genuine with my feelings. I was angry and hurt, and I showed it. I didn't hide it and act fine. but where I don't see progress is in his connections with these girls, in fact its even gotten worse sense because he's said things like "well I thought you would be worried about her because she's so insanely pretty", followed by him telling me that him and this girl had a thing about a year ago but she had boyfriend so she rejected him. the next day, he was over at her place while I was in class. also yesterday while I was "napping" he disappeared for an hour and when I gave him multiple chances to tell me where he was, he just said "Baby, I don't know what to tell you, my day was just boring and uneventful."
He thinks were fine now and that im all okay, but I feel like if im honest about still not feeling reassured or confident about him being around girls, he will think Im dramatic.
now, I feel like its best for me to break up with him, but I have noooooo idea how. I feel like if I tell him it's because of my confidence then he will just say what he said last time, about him not letting me leave over something we can work through. Im supposed to go meet his family in his hometown this weekend but now I feel like that's the last thing I want to do. I know I can move out while he's gone for the weekend and tell him when he gets back, but I just need a valid reason not to go to Vermont. believe me, I have thought about just being honest about this, but I don't think he would take it well and I don't want to ruin his time visiting home.
thanks for listening, journaling is keeping me from going crazy
ughh this weekend wasn't one of my best.
Sweetie, I know this is hard for you. But I do agree you may want to consider breaking up and leaving this guy behind. My husband was never like this before we married, at least I never thought he was. But later I found out he was. And thru our whole marriage he was doing this, being overly friendly to other women. Now I'm going to separate from him legally because the flirting got worse the more I aged and got sickly (I'm almost 60.) So I think, even if DJ had never cheated, like you suspect, the fact his being overly friendly to other women bothers you should be reason enough to dump him. Maybe someday he'll be more ready for a faithful relationship, or maybe he'll find a person that doesn't give a rip if he flirts or whatever. But in the end, if it bothers you, hurts you this much, it doesn't seem like a good fit for you to be in this relationship. It also doesn't seem healthy for you. It seems you want someone more reserved about showing affection and attention towards women in general. There's really nothing wrong with that.
Also I agree with your therapist, that anyone would have been bothered by what he did with your friend that night and I don’t think you’re paranoid about that. In fact, I think the way you describe you were actually being really nice about it.