Understanding my Marriage

Hello all; this is my first post and I am hoping to gain and give support through this online venue. I am in my second marriage and I am increasingly sad. My first marriage was a violent, destructive mess. I was single for almost 10 years and felt that I had healed a lot. My current husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 7 1/2. I would have to say that up until June of last year (2010) I was very happy in my marriage. Starting last year, there was a series of huge hurts that I felt from my husband. He was not supportive, did not engage, and it gave me reason to look back at our whole relationship and realize that he has not changed, but it is me who covered, explained away, or chose to overlook the non support. My struggle now is to feel wanted, needed and even appreciated. He does not have a violent bone in his body so much of what I struggle with is the thought "how could I be so ungrateful, at least he doesn't hit you or call you names." I feel selfish for wanting more.... thanks for letting me vent.

Pcgirl3971, welcome to Support Groups, thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing. Please know that wanting support in your marriage is not asking for very much at all; that's actually a fundamental of any good relationship. You two should love and support one another through good times and bad times. Although, all relationships have their ups and downs, it's important to have a solid foundation and the fundamentals that keep you going in the right direction. For me, having the support of a significant other is very important.

Have you talked to your husband about how this has made you feel and that things need to change in order for you two to continue moving forward on a positive path? And, is couples counseling an option?

Please know that you are not alone, we are here for you and here to help you in any way that we can.

Yes would be wise to speak w/your husband about how this is making you feel so distance/resentment isnt created further & too it will open the door for both of you to talk things through & feel better about your marriage/relationship.

My heart goes out to you & we're listening to you.

All my strengths.

April

Thank you, Thank you, for your support and encouragement! I have never been a part of an online support group before and just reading your responses feels INCREDIBLE!!!

I have talked to my husband about all of this (Several times). I have learned gradually that instead of accusing him of what he is NOT doing, I have learned to approach the topic on how I feel and in what areas I hurt. This change in style does make for a more receptive conversation and he apologizes and says "I understand", " I hear you" but yet nothing in his actions change. I am totally committed to this marriage and he really is a good man, but just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean needs are being met. I have brought up the idea of counseling several times and he goes back and forth between saying "sure" and "I don't think we need it"

I hope that I don't sound like I am a whiny, complaining wife. I just need somewhere to vent. Again, I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement....

What a wonderful job not putting him on the defensive as your correct that only creates more issues. Have you ever wanted to go to counseling for just yourself & then maybe later on he might be more receptive to joining in w/you? It never hurt to have someone to talk thing over with as we all need someone to talk to thats why we're all here LOL.

Usually its ones expectations of what a relationship should be that one feels gets violated & people dont always ask "How can I make this up to you".

Your not complaining your just talking about your feelings.

Big (((HUG)))

April

Thanks so much April! After I got of the computer last night I started reading this book my mom gave me for christmas. It talked about the languages of love with the first being kindness. It challenged me to show kindness not just with my marriage but with all my relationships regardless of what we may or may not get in return. Let me tell you... WOW. When my husband came to bed that night I turned to him and said "Please forgive me for not respecting you as I should and I want to thank you for cleaning out my car today" (which in previous years I would have said too little too late) I had the state of mind that I was going to thank him and be kind to him REGARDLESS of his response. It was amazing it was like he instantly miraculously "HEARD" what I had said prior in the day about my needs and he cuddled and caressed and was wonderful to me. Today we had to go to the doctor and we had some extra time as we both had the day off of work and we meandered through different stores and we joked around. Everytime he did something that I wanted to get frustrated with I CHOSE to be kind. and the day just sort of flourished from there. I realize that as I get tired at the end of the day it is a little more difficult to be kind regardless of the response but I have hope. I am thinking that it will get harder before it gets easier, but for today I have hope. I will keep you posted on what this book has to say next!!

us woman always want more.. we can be the best to our husband and cook , clean surprise them be great moms and supportive.. but a man has a different mindset and it is hard for them to realize you just want to "talk" or "snuggle"
then when the woman cheats its all their fault, right , our fault? well i did it and was mad to look like a horrible person.. but i thought that way about woman who cheated as well.. well i know your point wasn't on cheating bu twith my situation it was.. i now understand how a woman can snap , so just beware , if you don't fix it , it will get worse, if you can't fix it.. get out of it. The road is long but sometimes its worth it in the end.:)

Hello Indicia!

Don't think that I haven't thought about it!!!!! To have someone "desire, want, support" me is incredibly TEMPTING. I do not judge you for your decisions. I have several friends that have taken this route and I am not at that point. I strongly believe that I am not done trying and I always believe that in each of my struggles their is a better me to develop. Thanks for your comments and hang in there ok?!

Hello all; It has been awhile since I have communicated to you all about my marriage. I have a counseling appointment set up for this coming Tuesday and I still have no idea what I'm going to ask for or say. But there is something that I am feeling extremely irritated with and I guess I am just looking for some insight from the members.

Today - Easter (Happy Easter everyone) my husband and I went over to wish his mother a happy easter and get some extra folding chairs from her house because for the first time ever, we were going to have Easter at our house for us and our kids. As we walk up to his mother's door, he says "don't say anything about having Easter at our house" now normally this wouldn't be a big deal but I have been with my husband for 13 years and I get so sick and tired of walking on eggshells around his mother. The reason why he didn't want me to say anything is because she would get mad and throw a hissy fit if we told her the truth about having Easter at our house. I didn't invite my mom either and I told my mom that we were just having our kids and grandson. She was ok with it. Why can't my husbands mom be ok with it.

I just re-read my post and it really does sound petty but this is years of "don't make mom mad." This woman gets mad if my nieces come to town and visit me and my husband before going to her house. One time we were at a holiday at her house and she was busy so I answered the door for the next relatives coming in the door, she was mad at me for months because I dared to open the door to her son! WHAT the heck. another time we were visiting her and I had mentioned that my niece had called to see if my daughter could babysit her son during an upcoming wedding. My mother-in-law got so mad she said "well if that girl doesn't be careful I won't even go to the "f-ing" wedding.

Now some of you may say, why don't you just approach her? To say what? That she is a complete witch and her whole family is scared of her? To what end, so my husband will be mad at me? Am I essentially doing the same thing he is by not confronting it? Wow, ok, I'm done venting. Thanks for reading...

Hello,

I have read your last post about not getting replys on your previous posts,
and now, i am trying to read all of your posts because I want to help if I can.

So i will reply you in your most recent post, after reading all of your posts and get all the updates.

Hope that my replys will ease you.

your friend.
Alex.