Unfaithful husband wanting to change himself and save his marriage

My wife and I have been married for three and a half years. On October 18th, 2010, my wife found out that I had gotten another woman pregnant

in July 2009, four months after I got my wife pregnant with my first child. In desperation, I told her that it was a one-night stand and didn't mean anything, that is until she saw an email I had sent her almost a month after I got her pregnant. Then I told her I had a nine month affair, but I was still not telling the whole truth. One day she was going through the phone records from two years back and saw that in different time periods I would spend alot of time talking to certain people. That is when I couldn't lie anymore, I told her everything. Since the summer of 2008 until the summer of 2010 I had slept with 11 women, and kissed 3 others. Among these were two affairs. She learned all this December 4th, 2010.

Since D-Day we are still living together, we still had sex, up until December 30th, 2010. Our time consisted of lots of good sex, moments of affection and love, painful conversations about what I did to her, silent drives, and anger like I've never seen before. She beat the crap out of me one day (December 23rd, 2010), and I let her. She would say she loved me when we were having sex, and that she hated me when she was angry.

My wife had sex with another man the day before I told her the whole truth. It was one time, that I know of. She told me she needed to show me a fraction of what she was feeling. And she did. Since then she has been talking to other men on Plenty of Fish (dating website), has come close to having sex with someone else again, and texts other men regardless if I am standing right next to her. She has locked me out of our AT&T account, her email, and her phone. I get it, I deserve nothing less for what I did.

I started going to counseling in November 2010, part of which was full of lies until December. Now I am seeing a marital counselor and a psychologist. We started going to marital counseling as a couple, but now we are doing individual sessions. I keep a journal, it serves me as a mechanism to attenuate my emotions, as I have a severe anger disorder (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), and a little bit of a borderline personality disorder (seen in people that are unable to regulate their emotions). The journal helps me think reasonably and helps me organize the utter mess that lives inside my head.

The holidays seemed to be the only thing that held us together, doing traditional things with the family, spending time with her father, etc. The holidays are over now, my father-in-law is leaving tomorrow, and life will take a more somber and monotonous tone. I am terrified of this. I'm afraid that she is going to tell me to move to the guest bedroom, or even worse, to find myself a new place to stay.

Currently she hardly ever speaks to me, we barely talk about the main issue, unless I bring it up. We don't have sex. She can't stand my kiss, hug, nor touch. She feels like she is a million miles away when she is right next to me. I can't stop thinking of her meeting another man and having sex. I want to save my marriage, I love my wife and deeply regret the pain I have put her through. I will never hurt her again. I've told her all this, but as you might imagine, it is all empty promises and "grabbing at straws".

She has not made a decision to commit to me yet, therefore I am endlessly grateful for every second I get to spend with her and my family. Every morning I wonder if today is going to be the day, the last day with her. I am willing to work at this until she kicks me out of her life. Regardless of what she does.

I do not know how to handle the silent treatment, the distance. I could write forever about this, and I apologize for my currently haphazard way of writing, I'm a mess. I don't know what to do.

Thats tough. I'm currently on the other end of the spectrum, dealing with a partner who'se cheated on me countless times and ways - but more than anything wants forgiveness.

You have to know that nothing you say will make your wife want to forgive you. Words are just that, words. When I found out that my mate had been cheating on me, he wasn't entirely honest right away either - I kept on digging deeper and deeper, until he finally came completely clean with everything (as far as I know) and is now wanting to truly seek help. The things that make me want to stay is that he has been patient with me the whole time - never getting defensive or angry about my finding out or being angry at him for doing such terrible things. When I want to know something he answers it the best he can, always appologiticly, always with no expectation of forgiveness from me. And, of course, taking the steps to change - for him to change, not to keep me.

His choice to refraign from telling me the whole truth right away actually stands infront of the cheating. I love him so can recognize he has a problem and is not happy with himself, but his ability to lie outwardly, that is what makes me wonder about a future with him.

Look at it from her perspective, you've done unimaginable things to her, and she can't even know if you are telling her the truth anymore because nothing has proved that you can. It is asking quite a lot of a person.

Its great that you are getting counceling, seeking help, getting past this, but she needs to know that you are doing it for you, so that you can change, not just to keep her - she isn't a trophy or a reward, she's a person with feelings. Making her feel compelled to stay might actually be pushing her away.

You sound truly sorry for what you did, but at this point, the best thing you could do for her, if you truly love her, is let her go. I know that is tough, and you probably don't even want to think about that option - but truly, it sounds like she is unable to get past this, and it sounds like it's hurting her to the point where she is becoming something she is unhappy with. Sit down, talk to her about how you are feeling. If she refuses to talk, ask her to listen. If she refuses to listen, then you need to let her go, however hard that may be.

Love is self-less, asking her to stay after everything you've done to her, is selfish. It probably even makes her think that you truly haven't gotten to that point in your life where she'd want to be with you again. It sucks, and it hurts, but eventually, when you're healthy and able to be in a truthful relationship - maybe she'll be able to forgive you, and maybe she'll even be able to take you back.

Until then, maybe find comfort in the fact that you'll be better someday, and that she'll be happy again, because it's her happiness that should matter most to you if you truly love her.

jaj, is wise that you both are in individual sessions as whats been created in the relationship will take as long as it took to get it back on track as it did to send the marriage into a ditch, so if both parties are willing one may figure about 2yrs. of counseling to start being capable of really talking/sharing thoughts/concerns w/eachother. I admre you for coming forward & keep talking w/us when you feel like it as we're listening.

All my strengths.

April

lisa - i'm with you - my partner cheated a couple of years ago, but i was told by his doctors, that it was a symptom of his illness, and he wasn't really responsible. he too thinks i will leave him every day he's in a state of panic. but i just can't. i just want my life back, and to be happy again. I don't harbour jealousy, or mistrust, he has no more access to internet, and no outlet for his curiosities about other women. Someday i just hope he can be happy again, and with me. i hope you can find some level ground for you & your wife. (and Lisa your husband) i'm just hoping i can stay true to myself and not loose my self respect, or identity, within this struggle.

Red, what you described happens alot as one thinks going somewhere/moving IS going to make everything better & then usually finds out that the grass IS NOT any GREENER. Would be wise to set a plan "B" in motion quietly for your well being. I'm married 19yrs. hes bipolar/schzoid/BPD & more w/alcohol dependency so I understand what your circumstances are creating for you & this is something he must handle if hes willing otherwise you'll grow tired of policeing the situation/behavior & looking over your shoulder. My heart goes out to you as you wade through this wreckage, be very careful & keep talking w/us here when you feel up to it.

Take care of you.

April

red

how i feel for u trapped by the most noble of situations that u wanted to make it work, sometimes its time to cut your losses and as april says u might need to have a contingency plan to eliviate your pain, please make sure that u dont cut yourself off from others at this time and that u keep as many individual activities that u can going and that u have good communication lines with friends and family during these trying times, we will hope for the best but plan for a fall that way we can support u thru any thing that might hit u as he finds out what he is suffering from and how it will fit into the bigger picture of day to day living for u both

keep chattin and good luck

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

thank you April, and Domestic! April - how do you do it? what keeps you going?

april

yes hon how have u remained so sane over the years? mind u men are not much more than little boys so i gues that helps sometimes and having seperate interests and a life that is more u orientated

but do tell

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

I had to come to a conclusion w/alot of the issues w/my husband & his past history & take a hard look at myself & how I was contributing to the co-dependency/enabling crap & then started learning piece by piece to STOP myself so he would help himself & practise it over & over again regardless of what anyone in my family thought even though my sons knew what I was doing & trying to accomplish, I started w/small things......you should of seen his face 3 yrs. ago when he opened the oven looking for his warm dinner & there wasnt any, none of us said a word, then I moved on to letting one of the bathrooms go uncleaned for 2weeks or more OMG & on & on & on, then I started to notice I wasnt the scape goat as much & he (my husband) had to start looking at himself for what HE was creating in the family unit/environment & endangering himself, he still wont go back to therapy or take meds or find peace for himself in anyway which is fine & still drinks alot & cycles mentally all over the place but it no longer affects me, I'll just call the cops if he gets out of hand, I just let him spin & know there is nothing I can say or do that I did years ago to assist w/his disorders. He was a big factor in almost emotionally destroying me & my boys BUT I'm a bigger factor...... I do rant to D ever now & then & I smoke (bummer).

I spent 5yrs. trying to learn/research/assist & I cant really say if I'd wasted too much time & did learn things for myself which is a plus, I probably could have learned something more productive though cause OH BOY that went nowhere & he progressed to regress.

Red everyone is different (thank goodness) your man may be one of the ones capable of helping himself & wants too right along w/you.

Thanks for another rant, dont know if any of this makes sense but cant shrink 20yrs. plus the other 50+ past history.......

April

april

lol look at us and our bad habbits the coffee and cigs will be the death of us if its not our adult toddlers mines in the garden doing god knows what but its fenced and the pond cover is on and the side gate locked so hes fine

red its either let them sink or swim as u can only carry them for so long before they take a toll on your health, mine isnt as bad as aprils and its a recent thing but i sure dont envy either of u the hard long road u hve to travel

but i do think of u both

often

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Thanks guys! April - i seriously have to learn, how to stop the enabling, as even the nurse picked up on it, this weekend. i'm almost certain he "acts" up on his emotions, when i'm looking, but if i don't react, he ups the stakes and just gets crazier, almost like its out of his control. i try not to pander to him, but i also know if i refuse to believe him, or tell him straight i know he's lying, or manipulating, the crisis gets bigger, and that's getting out of hand. where does it end?

red

oh hon im so sorry for u u just have to find a place inside u that u are prepared to go so far and no further, and then battern down the hatches to weather the storm its all about boundaries and how far u want to go

never easy to do but for your own sanity u have to find a way forward

till later
loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Red, Sometimes it does people a dis-service to try & make everything as perfect as one can or even attempting to be as supportive as possible really depends on what type of person ones dealing with, is better to let them experience the rammifications even though its painful to watch & can be a costly lesson. I have kids so I can relate to this one......Boundaries are difficult to set but as D mentioned has to happen to obtain any sanity for yourself, in my situation it never worked but I keep setting boundaries regardless.

All my strengths friend.

April

Jaj, I can fully relate to your wife. If it were me I would NEVER take you back. What I don't understand is why do people cheat and have sex with someone other than there partner or mate when the end point is always going to be the same. I don't care how sexy, attractive or what another woman's body looks like...all you are going to do is ejaculate and cum. That's all you or any other character is going to get. That's the same thing and conclusion you get with your mate. This angers me greatly for that very reason. It doesn't make any sense at all. You are going to risk losing someone who loves, cares, respects and values you for some filthy *****, street trash and skeezer. What men fail to do is to take the time to think before they do stupid things. I say men because they are the ones who started all this cheating and taking on concubines and more than one wife and all that other BS. It's just foolishness. What did that other females private parts do for you that your partner don't. Like I said the end point is ALWAYS going to be the same.

Leona,

I agree with you. They do these things full well knowing what will happen. That is the most hurtful part. Unfortunately, it does seem to hold true - once a cheater, always a cheater. I have little hope that cheaters can change. I am sure a few can, but not the majority.

We only have control over ourselves & no one else to change the situation for our well being & future.

From Romantic Relationships to Divorce & Separation