Unresolved Feelings

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

This is my first day on this website--I looked it over and it looks fantastic, so I hope I can get some advice on some issues I'm having a hard time with.

I was in a relationship with a man three years ago, and at the time, I don't think I could have been any more happy. In short, I invite you to imagine a first love with talks of marriage and dreams, etc. His family loved me--it seemed perfect for me.

However, as most stories of young love, things fell apart. I moved away to the US, and he stayed behind at home. After almost a year of him telling me that he loved me, and that he missed me, I found out (through his mother, of all things) that he was dating his ex-girlfriend. Long story short, there was lots of pain, lots of long phone calls, and lots of tears on my part.

Fast forward to three years, I am still thinking about him every day. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who I know is in love with me, and I believe completely that I love him. However, I am convinced that there are still some feelings that are unresolved that I cannot seem to forget. I cut off contact with him for two years, and one day I decided to visit him. He brought up our falling apart, and me disappearing from his life for two years--I brought up him treating me terribly and lying to me throughout our long distance relationship. He didn't seem to understand the pain that he put me through, and I didn't really want to tell him either. I felt like it was pointless. He was still dating the girl he was cheating on me with, but I felt numb to the whole idea. His whole family was there, but I couldn't bring myself to feel the same way as I did before--I felt uncomfortable, and had lost the sense of belonging, even though his parents were very nice to me. Now, I have renounced ever seeing him and his family again, but I can't seem to move on. People tell me that I should try to talk to him again, but realistically, I know that's not going to happen. I think about him constantly, feel bitter and hurt all the time and it's getting in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship with my current boyfriend.

If anyone has any advice, it would be very helpful. I tried to make this short, as I know some people have short attention spans. :) Thank you for reading.

2

I am just wondering why you think you can't get over him. Is it the feelings you had for him prior to finding out he was not telling you the truth or do you think it is because you are angry at him.

I will tell you writing on this site does help you to put things behind you.

:) You might want to list all the good things about you current boyfriend.

3

I have been speaking to my therapist and friends about this, and they feel that I am still angry at him. When I think about him, my thoughts mostly linger on how I wish he could at least feel some resentment over what he did to me. When I saw him for the first time after 2 years, he told me that he would still have sex with me if he and his girlfriend would ever break up (urgh >.>). So since then, I imagine him coming on to me, and me rejecting him. I do think about the good times as well, and I long for how trusting I was, and how relaxed I used to be. With my boyfriend now I feel an anxiety that he'll leave me/stop loving me almost all the time.

I do miss his friendship, but I am certain that I would not want to give up my relationship with my boyfriend to be with him. I recognize he is a liar, and that I would never trust him again after so much pain.

However much I miss him, it's not like I imagine us getting back together and getting married like he promised me. That must mean I don't want him back, right? So why am I still thinking about him? I should be able to yes, miss him, but not let it affect my life.