Up since 6am crying

I need someone to talk to. I can't tell my family anything because Im suppose to be perfect. I don't suppose to have problems. Maybe it is the way I see it now because that use to be me.

I been up all night crying because when I woke up at 6am my husband was out smoking crack. He did not tell me he was but I knew it.

When I checked the online banking I seen he had stolen over $500 from us.

I can't tell no one this. My marraige is suppose to be perfect!

My heart hurts so bad. I fed my son but I cant feed me. I feel like I am suppose to be happy so I can go up stairs in my son room and play with him. But I cant.

I dont know if my husband is ok or not. The last time he done drugs was in April.

Instead of doing something I just cry and cry. Then I get mad then I cry. Then I wanna die. Then I cry. I dont want to die because I have my son. But I feel like I can die.

We have no money left and I don't have a job. So now I am more stressed because I feel like I have to live like this.

Maybe I should do some fucken drugs. Maybe I should blow some **** money. But I can't I have my son. He is one and I love him. He is the reason why I am trying to get help. If I did not have him I would not care. I don't trust him with no one.

I feel like ****. I ant someone to hold me and tell me its going to be ok. But I can't let no one know these things.

I want to talk to my mom but I can't because she is not that type of women who shows emotions. I guess I learn how to deal with thingd from her. Hold everything in and keep it to myself.

I need someone so bad. Just hold me. I have to be strong for my son. He is in his room and he is so innocent. I know i am fit to be a mom if i had someone to love me. if i can talk to someone.

how will i buy diapers? i will fail at being his mom because of his crack head dad.

Im so sorry to hear that. since you do not work try to get welfare, theey can give you cash assiantce, food stamps and insourance. i don't want to tell you what to do but i think you should tell your parents and leave him. You and your son are in my prayers. you can also go to food pantries in your area,. I am hear if ya wanna talk,

god bless you and your son.
Kathryn

My mother was strong for me when I was young, and she left my dad. He was also an addict, and he would get violent. She tolerated it before I was born, but when a chair flew over the crib and smashed to pieces on the wall, she realized that in order to keep me safe, she had to leave. My grandmother also does not show emotions, but she was more than happy to take my mom in, because it was for the safety of her daughter and her grandson.

To this day she still loves him, but the sacrifice she made has given me the opportunity to achieve. When it comes down to it, you have to make sure you love yourself. Whether people see something as perfect or not only matters as much as you give importance to it. Think of what will happen if you stay for the next 15 years, of how your life will be, how your son will be, and if you will be happy with your decision if you stay. In the end, the decision for any action is your decision. I hope you find an answer in prayer or in meditation, and I hope that whatever you choose to do, it feels right in your heart.

You wont be a failure! Your husband is th one who is failing u now. My ex was very, VERY, abusive. He sold drugs, stole, did anything...yet he was, sort of well known in th town, had a lot of friends (from cops to robbers). We had money...I'd try to leave, it started aftr th 1st yr of our marriage, but my mom would always tell me i had to go back, "how are you goin 2 take care of 2 children", "you belong with your husband", etc. She was kind of "ozzie & harriet" family. If something was wrong she ignored it cauz it didnt happen in her/our family. Almost 20yrs later, & several attempts of leavin but with no support, having 2 go back, I finally left. I think my oldest son, (i have 2, who were 17 & 18 at that time), was th one who put all my clothes at th front door, or helped his father. I dont think he wanted me gone, i think he was trying to tell me i should leave...get out of this relationship. Though i did have a male friend at the time & we eventually got married, I am still glad i left. The only thing i regret is not leaving when my boys were younger. Though, sometimes I'm not sure which would've been best, most of the time i think not only would it have been best for my boys, since they have a lot of their fathers' personality, but also would've been good for me, making me a stronger woman & not so dependant on a man to take care of me. So, though I cant tell you what to do, my suggestions would be try to leave & make a life for yourself! Dont worry about what your mom says, I shouldnt hav listened to my mom tellin me to go back. Strengthen yourself, always be there for your child, you can only do the best you can! No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, just have faith & be strong. Getting a life for you & your son may be the best thing that ever happened!? It may be hard at first, it probably will be, but know that little by little things will fall into place. And you dont want your son to follow in your husbands footsteps. Good luck in everything you do...reach for the stars girl, you may have to start at the bottom, but take the right steps (going up!), & remember, you can only do the best YOU can do. And also, staying close to your child, he will grow up loving you no matter what!! You may find one day that not only are you proud of yourself, but your mother may tell you how proud she is of you. There's always help out there...food stamps, etc. Sending prayers to you, that God will hold you & tell you that evrything will be fine! Be patient & have faith!
Nancy