Goodmorning to all of my family, this morning I wish more than anything I could be with each of you getting and giving a great big hug!
Tomorrow I finally got things set up with a counselor and therapist to talk about what the plans are to do about treatment. The therapist is from my church and the place is a Faith-based facility that's based only on donations so I won't have to pay to speak with someone! That is such a blessing considering that I have started getting random bills from the other psychiatrist for hundreds of dollars in charges, for the ONE fifteen minute meeting we had! Insane.
I'm nervous about these things getting started. Thankful? beyond belief. Scared? extremely. But I know it has to be done. This past weekend I had another incident of losing alot of blood after taking laxatives. I felt horrible, drained, and in alot of pain. So I know it's time.
As all these things are happening, the ED voice is getting so much louder and so much stronger. I have been restricting ALOT, and have started losing a bit of weight. I started back school for the summer which is alos adding to some of the stress. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate the way I look, and the way I feel. Ugh!
Last night I had about a 4 hour long talk with my youth pastor's wife. It went okay I guess. When I was finished(a little after 1am) I felt so drained and tired. I ended up telling her about the things that happened with some of the males in my family when I was little. FIRST time telling anybody other than on this site. She cried and said she wishes I knew how much her and her husband and her family cared for me. Her Father-in-law, which is my Pastor, and the one who decided to initiate that I have to have treatment, asks about me and how he can help everytime he sees her.
She said she spoke with him Sunday night after church and he asked how I had been doing since I wasn't looking too good. He told her that he had called the treatment center Mercy Ministries and asked about what it would be like if I were to go there. She told him that EVERY SINGLE MONTH they get calls from about 1500 girls needing help. And they can only take 150 girls every 6 months. He was shocked at the number of people who are struggling with this and similar things. She said it breaks her heart everytime but that the waiting list is extremely long. He asked her how long it would be before they opened their new location in Florida. She told him that they had purchased the land but it was just way to expensive to build there. Being completely serious, he told her to sell the land to get the money back...come to our town where we have just bought alot of land to build our new church on, and use part of that land to build a new facility...to help more girls. His heart just totally broke for the people struggling with this. It brought me to tears that he would care this much!
I know so many care. And I have known that, but unfortunately that doesn't take away much of my fear and anxiety. I just am not sure what is to come and ED is killing me....
I really understand your fear and anxiety. I've been kind of stressed out by the expense of my treatment, too. Yet I know that what I'm paying is a fraction of the cost of inpatient care. You've helped me put that in perspective. Perhaps racking up my credit cards isn't so terrible, all things considered. :0/ I know you're scared, friend. You'd be crazy not to be scared! So much is uncertain, and this is your LIFE we're talking about! At least you have some very caring people working on your behalf. That makes me feel better for you. Did you tell anyone about the bleeding? That's really not something a therapist can fix... You need a medical doctor to check you out, sweetie.
Breathe, Kasee! I believe things will start to get better for you once you are getting some solid and consistent care. :)
Jen, Definately expensive. Even outpatient is expensive I know. But I am so glad and so proud of you for going. So many of those people that care so much about me tell me that there isn't a price on my life, and whatever I have to pay is worth it. I am trying to believe them. Tryyying!
I know I probably should go to a doctor for the other things...it can't be good to lose blood like that can it?? I just have to get the money first, and I won't have the money until the 17th...BUT after that I will make an appointment.
BREATHE! I am trying! I know things are going to be better. There going to get so much better. But right now its reallllly hard :/ Thank you so much for your support hun.
Kasee...honey, losing blood is a sure sign of danger and damage. I believe you can heal, in all ways, but if at all possible, please see a doctor!
I am so thankful that you will be able to get help! Please do all that you can to fight this eating disorder and be honest about what you need. Thinking of you. Please keep us all updated as you can....HUGS...Jan ♥
there is another place similar to mercy ministries but with a shorter waiting list (as far as i know). the place is called a friend's house ministries and is located in bluffton, indiana. i think the website is http://www.afriendshouse.net
Well I just got out of my appointment with the counselor and though my brain is spinning and I'm mentally EXHAUSTED..I must say it went good.
There was definately a connection with me and the counselor. She is young and not originally from here and is only an intern, but she has had lots of experience in the past and was very sweet. She listened well, asked questions but gave me plenty of time to answer and talk..and guess what I TALKED! I am almost positive I was as honest as I needed to be, though we didn't cover much...just the basics.
She reassured me that I am not crazy, that I am not some insane person that can never get better. That alot of people struggle with some of these issues just WAY less severe and advanced as the level I have taken it to. She said it would be alot of work but she could see that I was willing and that I was tired of being this way. She gave me a homework assignment to journal everyday whatever I would like to about that day that I would like her to read. She also said everyday I had to journal AT LEAST one thing I like about myself and I was proud of myself for. I also have to describe and right out my worst day for her to read.
She said she was going to talk with the woman who is above her who I've also spoken to a bit at church and over the phone and decide what would be the best course of action. Whether inpatient should immediately be sought out, or whether they think I will be able to do it without inpatient and maybe just go ahead and get my name on a waiting list for somewhere, then if I don't need to go I won't have to. She said we will just see. She also said that I can tell my mom at my own pace, but it needs to be in the next few weeks. She told me I could bring her in and let her talk to my mom about it.
I'm tired of thinking and am a tad stressed, but I am relieved that things went okay. And I like her. She wanted to know who I am. Not just try to fix the problem and act like she didn't care. She even grabbed my hand and prayed for me before I left :) I go back Tuesday..and I WON'T cancel the appointment!
Kassee: Wonderful news from you!! I am so proud of you and you really sound hopeful that you can recover for the first time!
Love and prayers to you ; keep up the excellent work you are doing
Kasee,
You have someone you can trust and talk to....that is a huge step! I know you trust us here, but it's not the same as someone who can HUG you (if you want)!
I hope you will hang on and continue to talk and take the steps that are suggested. You CAN beat this, and get your life back. I love that she wants to know YOU!! Yay!! Lots of love, Jan ♥
im sooo very very happy for you!!! you are taking the first step and hooray for you!!!! im so happy and have been praying for this for you, looks like my prayers were answered.....