Update--- and a new word in my vocab: recovery

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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1

watch for all that beauty reflecting from you.
and sing a love song to your existence.
~rumi
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i can not guarantee that i will open with such a positve quote each time i write. but today, i have commited to being grateful for and mindful of the things AROUND me. focusing so much energy on trying to FEEL better is exhausting and at times futile. doing *nothing* is not only an option but can be THE VERY option that will bring about more peace. sitting with m-y-s-e-l-f is a new and uncomfortable skill that i am vowing to practice.

update:
the most recent event to have brought about so much growing and learning happened last night. i collapsed at 6:30 pm with the intent of taking a nap after such an exhausting day. 12 1/2 hours later, i awoke. yep. crazy, right? i feel..... differently today. still burdened with the weight of trying to survive myself, it just feels... um... lighter today. i continue to marvel at the healing powers of sleep and.... [i hate admitting this]..... food.

my time in treatment is coming to a quick close. i *graduated* last week....and asked for five more days. this friday will end my time here.

going from ALL to NOTHING will be a monumental transition. for all the resisting i have participated in during treatment, i have come to respect and need this sacred place. trying to figure out how to take some of this home with me is problematic and seemingly impossible. i will be devasted without the daily moment-to-moment contact with my sisterhood. the emptiness from the lack of full-time support haunts me. fear is gaining momentum while sadness dominates.

but nothing lasts forever. i miss my family and my life. i look forward with great joy to be back in my home, to be a part of the daily movement of my family. holding on as tightly as i can, i plan and plan and plan in order to integrate treatment into my real life.

okay, i realize that i have just written a whole LOT of words that basically amount to nothing. flowery, coded language is such a safe smokescreen for me. blahhhhhh.

i am considering a blog----- blogging the journal of my recovery. censored on this site for obvious reasons, i want to unleash my painful and harsh truth.... i am always comforted knowing that i am *heard* but fear that my language and honesty will be more hurtful than helpful to the masses. i would be honored to know your opinion. recovery is a ****** necessary, yes- but ugly and painful and messy. hmmmmm... i feel that presently i would be comforted knowing that my suffering is a *part* of the process and that i am not alone... but at the same time, i do NOT want my story to scare others AWAY from the recovery process..... hmmmmm again.

thank you for reading. three days and counting....and i will embark on the most difficult aspect of recovery: on my own, outside of treatment, with only myself on which to rely--- will i be able to ask for what i need? will i be able to be honest? will i be able to make the CHOICES that i have now learned that i can make? uuuuugh. doubt is such a small five-letter word that is sooooooooo ominous and heavy.

namaste, my sisters....
xoxo

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Please blog. Yes sometimes your to the point lamguage can be scary, but it also is what I relate to the most. I look forward to your post because I know that you tell the truth. Not only that but I have had many of the same feelings. Knowing that I am not alone has gotten me to admit to myself many things. It allows me to put words to feelings. This has helped me in my own therapy sessions. I will also be praying for you. My counselor's challenge for me is similar to yours, Mine is to be still. I laughed. I am an ADD, OCD anorexic and you want me to do what? I am working on that. I soon will be out for the summer (a teacher) so I wll have to face it. I would love to know how you are doing being with yourself. You are going to be fine. Make your choices. Stand up for them. Others will not know what to do at first but they will learn. You are too strong. You can do this. I look forward to your blog. Best wishes this is a big day that you should be absolutely proud of. I am proud for you!
JA

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please blog.

and please dont forget... im only a message away.

<3

im SOOO proud of you!!!!!! so so so proud of you.

-pixie-

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Dear stonemala,
stay strong and i wish you all success when you turn back home dear.

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Keep writing dear friend.....and please be sure that you have a therapist in place for continued care......essential....always here for you....Jan ♥

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sweet ja, roo, reham, and jan.....

your support is so crucial. i am learning to wrap your loving support around me rather than to instinctively engage in eating disorder behaviors. by insulating myself with your support, i am more able to combat this fucking illness.

con't update:
two days and counting.... my super-nap launched me into filter-less jabber-licious mode yesterday. finally having the physical strength to allow words to from and escape from my mouth, i verbally purged whatever thoughts and feelings that formed inside me. word-vomit is embarrassing.

i was also able to get a few things accomplished. yep! in b/t spewing word-vomit, i used my energy for good rather than evil. i secured two appointments with my former therapist. she has agreed to monitor me during this interim time as i push myself to find a specialist for aftercare. deep breath.

that's all for now. more later..... [threatening promise--- :) ]
namaste
xo

7

Namaste dear Stonemala,
love can defeat any sickness ;)

Pray for me, because iam still struggling with Bulimia ;)

Hugs,xoxoxo

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Still here, still thinking of you and so proud of you Amy!!!!
Love to you!

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I am sure you are at home by now. I am also sure that this is a mixed bag of feelings. Please know that we are all here and pulling for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
JA

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Amy, thinking about you and miss our talks a lot. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so proud of you. I love you.