Update .....and written purging of the questions I have for myself

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Ok it has been a very very long time since I have posted. I long for your support right now.

In the very big picture of things I am doing better with my eating disorder. However the fact that certain behaviors exist- no matter how few or far between they might be- is almost too hard to bear.

I have moved. I miss Colorado terribly, but I am almost done with nursing school and headed in the right direction with my career by being in the Chicago area.

I am about to attend my very first real live support group. I found an ANAD group that is free/donation base and you do not have to commit to a certain number of sessions you can just go when you can and need to, which is perfect with my wacky school schedule right now.

I have stopped throwing up-HUGE feat. This behavior is gone now, and I hope forever. I am so committed and so aware now, knowing how unfair it would be for me and my partner to engage in the self destruction of it. I purged for the last time before I moved over a month and half ago, and the behavior feels far in the past. I am however struggling with keeping my hunger in balance so that I do not binge when I am vulnerable and triggered to do so. The equation is simple- eat enough and often enough, keep protein in my diet to help with satiation, ECT. I 'know' what to do and for the most part..or do I? I am struggling with keeping my diet consistent, getting fully satiated and not hungry an hour later after I have eaten. I am struggling with going to binge foods for comfort. The craving is overpowering and my hunger allows me to override any rational thoughts I may have on the aftermath of how awful I feel physically and worse- emotionally. I feel like I am keeping something from my partner by not telling him every time I do it because of shame. I rationalize that its ok because I am not purging and because the overall picture is better! Am I wrong to not report these things? I mean it bothers me emotionally the way I eat sometimes... should he know these feelings, details of the actual food?

Sorry my brain will continue in circles about it all as I purge on paper so....

How do I not allow myself to override the rational part that knows binging will not solve my anxiety and to in turn eat well balanced meals that will not allow me to get to the hunger/breaking point? How do I simply tell myself no I won't binge, like I have successfully told myself no I will not purge?? Questions questions.

I am not mad at myself as I can see the big picture, but I am at the point where this has got to stop even if it is far and few between. Actually yes sometimes I have compassion and am not mad but sometimes I hold self hatred. These behaviors must stop so that I can live a healthy, completely honest and full deep life that allows that person that I love deeply in. He wants in. I want him here...my shame will not allow me to speak of the binge today but part of me wishes I could just say it and be ok or at least be ok within myself to move on and stop turning to the binges. Writing is helping

At any rate I am ready for the much needed support. I had a great therapist in Colorado and am surprisingly doing ok without seeing her weekly, but I need some positivity and focus towards peace of my body and heart. Maybe this ANAD group will help.

Thank you so much my dear old friends and the new 'faces' here too!! :) I appreciate you all so much.

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BTW here is the ANAD website, very user friendly and there are groups in every state :)

http://www.anad.org/

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Surrender,

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, friend... ♥ It's nice to see you back on these boards, at any rate... I've wondered how you've been doing... Moving, I think, is one of the most stressful life-events... My ED ALWAYS flares when I move... Ugh... AND you're preparing to enter a new phase of your life... It makes sense to me that you would revisit some old familiar coping strategies now, even though doing so is admitedly self-destructive and painful... HUGS!!! ♥ I hope you will soon seek a therapist in Chicago... I know how important that support is! And your ANAD group sounds wonderful! My EDA group has REALLY been a HUGE help to me!! ♥ Just remember to give it some time... It takes a while to feel comfortable and make friends, but if you keep going, I think you'll be glad. :)

Thinking of you,

Love,

Jen

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Thank you so very much for sharing all that! I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because all my feelings are being spelled out in your post, and here I felt so alone in all this. I pray you will be able to stay strong and keep getting the help you need. That is so awesome you have stopped throwing up. Best of luck to you in your new home!

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Surrender....good to hear from you! I know the move had to be draining for you, but I hope things begin to look up for you in many ways. Please follow through on the support group. It's definitely worth a try! There are some programs in Chicago, but I don't know a lot about them. Happy to share if you are interested. Please take care, and continue to share....HUGS..Jan ♥

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hey surrender, thank you so much for showing us that life goes on. yes, you are struggling right now but i still think you're doing incredibly well. you've already beaten a huge part of ED and you will continue to do so, i have no doubt about this.
recovery is not an easy process, otherwise we all would have taken that road already. but you prove that it is possible, with hard work, commitment, belief and support.

you have been able to stop purging, that is amazing, and you found something to replace it, e.g purging on paper as you described so perfectly.
what could you do to replace the binges? for me binges are often about filling that void inside, or actually covering something up. what would help you do that other than food? what do you feel/think before you binge?

maybe by finding answers to this you might be able to let go of the binges, too.

i wish you all the best and i can't wait to hear more of your journey.

lots of love
maedi

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Thank you all for your sweet words!

Jen- I appreciate your encouragement and reminder that life changes are often times when the ED appears. I also appreciate your insight about the group- I will give it time, a fair shot and hopefully will meet some friends who I am able to speak the ugly truth to. I am so happy that you are moving through recovery. I feel you smiling through your words. :)

Shadinah- I am touched that my post resonated with you and that you feel a little less alone with the feelings. We all can relate a lot to what is underneath our ED masks. I hope you are seeking help yourself, please take good care. I would love to hear your story; this is a very safe place to share feelings.

Jan- Thank you for your help and encouragement in finding a group. I am checking out one of the ANAD groups you had reffered me to a couple of months ago. I will let you know how it goes. There does seem to be a lot more ED resources out here than in Colorado, hopefully this group will be the right fit for me in terms of ED treatment.

Maedi- I agree with you that finding answers may be able to help me let go of the comfort that food brings me. My feelings/thoughts are so fast and frantic when the binges occur and I have always wanted to work on slowing it down and sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. I am hoping that maybe in this ANAD group I will be able to learn from others on their delay/distract tactics and how to deal with the panic instead of letting it take charge. Are you in a group or in therapy? Have you had luck with discovering what the void is all about? Take care :)

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done various therapies but my last one was over 2 years ago and im in desperate need. been looking for over a year now again with no success. but trying everything now to get inpatient. fingers crossed...

i know what you mean by the fast and frantic thought. even the emotions can change so quickly. it's so **** exhausting and it feels like nothing can stop it, not even sleep.
i'm sure that over time ANAD will help you work on this and even more :-)

i have a lot of things going wrong right now in my life but ultimately it comes down to me simply hating myself in every possible way and i can't imagine living with myself. to imagine i have to accept mysef the way i am? impossible.

keep us updated how you're getting on!!

all the love
maedi

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Surrender,
What a treat to see you here. I stopped this morning feeling imperfect, and having nothing to say. I just wanted to read people's words that which came from understanding.
Your journey is yours, and hard won. Thank you for opening up, thank you for attending a meeting, I believe each move toward the light, from one of us brightens the whole.
Sat Nam
Patsy

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Patsy, Thank you for stopping in. I love how you have framed this; each step others around us make does help to validate our own personal journey. I hope you are doing well and able to see light today! I am glad to see you here. I have missed connecting here and it is so comforting that you care to witness my journey as I yours. Sat Nam dear friend :slight_smile: