Life is so frustrating. How did I get myself into a life of paranoia and fears? What happened to free will?
An update on my fears that by trying to mentally pretend to be dark, I am indulging thoughts of sexually exposing myself to the public: I talked with my therapist about this today. He said he didn’t know how much I was literally “exposing myself” while thinking of being dark. This, I think for just moments, led to wanting to expose myself to feel power over others. He talked of how I have used constant fantasies to achieve feelings of power, especially if they are grandiose in nature; he felt I should get away from fantasies altogether as well as that “good” fantasies are constructive and contribute to others and the future. I wish he specified if both can lead to these moments of wanting to “expose” myself, or if it is only bad fantasies.
It’s hard to deal with this as I do no want to cause harm to anyone, but I always thought being dark or villainous was innocent in nature (wouldn’t it be just in the imagination?) and I was only using it to feel confident.
Maybe it is the thrill of being free. I can understand that in a way.
I can partially understand the power one gets from letting the addiction and our fantasies take over. I used to allow my fantasies to rule me and help me get “power” but in the end i found that power was not real power, it was just my mind telling me i had power in the fantasy but in real world, i was just depressed and acting out in ways that should have probably led to my arrest.
Has your therapist offered any ways for you to help control the fantasy or to help you stop"?
Thank you. He has said try to focus on “positive fantasies”, like being Superman or helping people out. He also, and maybe not so helpfully, said he couldn’t tell me for certain whether my “bending of my pelvis” was overtly sexual or not; I did not feel comfortable showing him what that looked like, I thought it was a slight tilt backward.
I am a writer, and he has said it is okay to get into the dark mindset of the story as long as I am focused on the story.
How would you recommend to stop?
I mean, what do you want from exposing yourself, do you crave attention, because there are lots of websites where you could do that. I am not pushing you into the adult viewing industry, but on the other hand it is kind of a way to make a fantasy happen or even just pretend at home.
being a writer, you are allowed to have a dark mindset. I see no problem with that. If you start to have fantasies and dream more about those things happening to you in real life, Then yes, you need to look at other things to help yourself. in my research, often addicts need to replace things in their life with more positive ones. For myself, i gave up drinking, I also had to remove myself from several situations where it caused me to overthink and feel bad. I gave up spending time with extending family when i did not feel comfortable. I had to set boundaries and work to keep them in my life.