Used and abused again

So I haven't written for a while. I have been busy with the boy, I mentioned him a few weeks ago... Well I'm sorry to say that is over, and I am quite in shock by the entire situation and everything that went on. So I will explain.
This boy and I were talking pretty much all the time, it started with good friends, and then friends with benefits "sorta" and then he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. He said he loved me and cared about me and only wanted the best for me and him. I'm seventeen but delayed in the world of boys and dating, and this boy was, sadly, my first crush. Also, my first hand-holding, kiss, and feeling up... yea. So, it got pretty intense, he became veerrrrry sexual and I did not really know what to do. He used graphic language and said he wanted to have sex with me, and I told him I was not ready. He said that he loved me and that he would not leave me if we did not have sex. He told me over and over he wanted to have sex with me, and yes he has a reputation for being a "player" but for some reason I believed he was different towards me.
So anyways, we were talking Wednesday night, and he was telling me he NEEDED me to come over and hang out with him because he missed me and wanted to hold me and spend time together. I said no at first. THat I would not sneak out of my house and get in trouble. We talked for three hours, and he told me over and over again that if I really loved him, I would come over. After lots of discussion, I said I would come over, but I told him that we would NOT be having sex. That I was not ready. He said "of course"
Well am I stupid or what. My first time EVERY I snuck out of the house at 12:30 and went to his house, hopped the fence, and went to his room. He was smiling and put me into his bed and held me close. I leaned over to talk to him, and he kissed me and got on top of me pretty suddenly.... and took off my clothes. I told him to slow down, but he kept going. I tried to kiss him and get into it, but I was SOOOO nervous I couldn't do anything but shake. He kissed me and kissed me harder and harder, took his clothes off, and I started freaking out.... I told him to put a condom on but he refused. I'll skip graphic detail but he tried to have sex with me. I pushed him away trying to get him off of me because it HURT soooo badly, I was crying and shaking, and he tried pushing me harder and harder until I had to finally shove him off of me. This happened a few times, before I got dressed and left.
The next morning, the lady I am living with reprimanded me and was very upset I had gone out. I was exhausted from not sleeping, and had a huge panic attack, and continued to have panic attacks all day. I have to spend $55 on emergency contraception. I told him off later that day, called him a player, and talked to my therapist about it. I was stupid VERY VERY stupid. I am throwing up more than ever again... feeling worse and defeated and unlovable because I can't actually get with a guy and make him happy. My eating disorder is out of control, getting in the way tremendously. I don't really know what to do. I am just so scared. For the few weeks that this boy was talking to me and loving me I felt good about myself. In the end, I allowed myself to get used and abused, succumbing to his wishes and allowing myself to believe that I had to prove I loved him by going over to his house and risking sooo much for myself. I am not strong. I don't want to need a boy to make me feel good about myself. But that is how I feel right now. My self-esteem is horrificly low, and I don't really know what to do because right now I am just slowly killing myself - hurting my teeth and throwing off my electrolytes.
I am just wondering if anyone has advice... I'm inexperienced and nobody is going to save me when I make huge mistakes.
Love to you all
CC

Oh.. and I forgot to mention an important detail. This boy's father owns an intense gun and keeps it by his bed, which nobody knew (I don't know if the boy knew) and if he had seen me in the kitchen of his house, he would have shot me. So I could have died.
That's it.

CC, Honey, I am so concerned about you... I know the tendency to believe that we "let" things happen, or even looked for it in some way... But if you said no, and even tried to push him off... That's rape... :0/ It's NOT your fault... Don't even THINK that... Honey, I'm glad you talked to your therapist about this... What did she have to say?

Thinking of you! ♥

Jen

This was horribly triggering for me, but I am not in any way saying that speaking out was bad. I can feel your words, I can feel your pain.. Please keep speaking your truth and sharing. Please get help now you have no idea how far this can spin out of control with men. I wish I was 15 again and never let what happen did. Please keep talking with your therapist and explore your feelings why you went there and you’re eating disorder...honey it’s all related...its all you its all coping and surviving. I can hear your innocence, please get help.

Thank you and I'm so sorry this was triggering surrender. I just have to vent. I have kept so much bottled up, and it is driving me mad, even making me suicidal, which has not happened in a while. I am scared for myself. I know the people around me are scared for me too. My therapist was good... upset that I broke the boundaries and went over, but at the same time she is very concerned for me and is trying to help me pick up the pieces. I am still a virgin... I am still somewhat innocent. But a number of things have made me feel so awful... so dirty. I don't really know what to do. I have horrible visions of me falling into the hands of abusive, controlling men because that is the only thing I am used to and I won't see it until it is too late... this was my first experience and I am frightened.
Thank you for your response, and I'm sorry again for triggering. That is not my intent in any way, I am just so confused.
CC

CC

You do not need to apologize, this was just my reaction and releasing my feelings…This is good that you are getting this out in a safe place. It hurts so much for me to know that this is happening to girls and I was letting my frustration and hurt out in probably the wrong place. So for that I am sorry. Please continue to share and speak with a therapist.

Hi CC, I think that as this was your first relationship with a guy, there was no way for you to foresee what could have happened. We all make mistakes like that and it's from those mistakes that we learn. I've been in terrible relationships which were emotionally abusive but now I like to think that I wasn't aware back then but now I am so I have the power to be more cautious and avoid what I've dealt with in the past as much as possible. Good luck in the future, use this to help yourself for the next time!
Hope you're feeling less confused, and take care :)

Dear CC,
I am so sorry for your "boy" experience. From the start i can see that this boy never really Loved you, he just was using your weakness to get what he wanted. When love is there both parties respect the whole of each other; their feellings and concerns and they never push the other into something they are not ready or do not want to do.
You are a victim of this situation and as it was mention before you were violated/raped.
Please seek all the help you can get and speak out about all this issues because they will not go away but the more you face this events the easier it will be for you to accept it and move forward. The same goes for the opposite, if you do not share with supportive ones, your feellings will be supressed and they will grow into large monsters inside you.
Most times victims of abuse feel like they are guilty. It was their fault. They could have done diferent. It is normal to feel that way after abuse. However it was not your fault. Your were manipulated into this situation.
I hope you find the support you need. Hang in there and be strong! Do not punish yourself for this you have been punished already severely and more will not do any good to aliviate your feellings and emotions.
I am so sorry again for all that has happen to you and will be praying for you to find peace and confort.
Love and peace!

CC...you did not deserve to be treated in this way, and you were taken advantage by a very cruel young man. This is NOT a reflection of whether you are lovable or not, but of this 'boy's own sick issues. Whether he loved you or not is not the issue, as much as it's important for you to understand that this was not your fault, and that if he loved you, he equates love to the wrong things. Not that sex in itself is wrong, but expecting sex to 'seal' a love relationship is just not realistic.
You said it, you are inexperienced, and this 'boy' picked up on that. This doesn't mean that you will not find a young man who treasures you for who you are, and who will respect your boundaries. I am very proud of you for telling your therapist about this, and not stuffing your feelings down. Thank you also for trusting us here with your fears and pain. Please keep writing and know that you are valued and cared about by many people....HUGS...Jan ♥

CC hon its ok to trigger other peoples emotions, thats how relationships are formed. and here on the site we are a tight knit group who have all started the journey at some point and encountered the opposite sex.

because u are frightened its making the negative actions come back and thats what happens to anyone even if they dont have EDs. but because u are a special person and talking to the therapist and us it will even itself out, u were not in any way to blame for someone elses actions,

at the end of the day u are loved and needed to keep communicating with us here and i hope u will

till then positive vibes and loving thoughts

Thank you for your support
It has been a very rough day, I'm trying to pick up the pieces from my mistake, and really suffering the consequences. I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to do to make things right again.
I am so low right now.

hon it was a genuine mistake dont beat yourself up over something u only learn to spot with experience, take it from me nobody is mad at what u did, its just the shock of what could have been that is the stickin the throat bit for most of us.

i have five girls myself and wish i was close enough to give u a hug so a cyber one will have to do.

u dont have to say anything or do anything u dont want to.

what has made u feel low today ?

as usual loving thoughts and positive vibes

I have gotten in trouble, intensely, and the people I am living with are extreeeeeemely disappointed in me. I hate it. I hate that they are angry and disappointed. I feel like they don't really want me here anymore (i don't live with my parents). I don't know wha t I can do to redeem myself, I feel suicidal.... I am trying to weigh the options of killing myself versus living. I know that I would hurt so many people, but I am hurting people now that I am alive. I don't know what is worse for people. Having the burden of watching me make mistakes and try to guide, even though they don't really owe me anything. Or kill myself and allow people to grieve for a bit, and then move on. I really dont know... should I bring my medications and scissors downstairs so I am not tempted, or will that show my weakness and lack of restraint. Should I just go through and hope nobody finds me before I am gone.... I don't want it to seem like an attention seeking behavior. If I went through with it, I would want to be successful. Otherwise, I'd be in the hospital and just have wasted time and resources.
So i am very low. I know I have to learn, but I feel like I should know these things already. I am disappointed in myself. Very disappointed. I don't really know what I can do for myself to allow myself to be forgiven. That is the toughest one.

"Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a temporary problem"

This feeling of low will pass and someday be replaced with warmth, knowing of love, acceptance and clarity.

Please tell someone your thoughts, call your therapist, or go to the ER or call for support.

USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

Thanks Surrender :/
I will be alright I think.... I just feel so low right now. I will reach out for help.

keep reaching friend, you matter more than you can envision right now. No feeling is forever. Keep talking and updating here, k? :slight_smile:

Thank you.
I'm really struggling right now.... I have so many ways I could get it over with. THey are running through my head. I don't know.
I just feel like I am hurting people and myself, rather than doing something good. I know my thinking is distorted, but if it never improves, I don't want to live like this. I am afraid to speak, afraid to do anything. I am killing myself with my eating disorder anyways.
I know this won't last forever, but it is so strong now.

HI CC: I feel so badly that this has happened to you. All the others have great advice for you, I would just add again that it is so good that you told your therapist who can help you deal with all of these feelings. Please understand that people DO LOVE YOU and care about you and the loss of this Boy is nothing compared to the love and support you truly have even from the folks you live with, who are angry with you right now, but ONLY because they love you too!!!! Hang in there sweetie it will get easier

If you need a safe place to put the overwhelming thoughts you are having, you can put them here or in a private message if you wish. I will not judge you, I will only listen and support you. In order to "do good" as you write, to others you must first accept and love yourself....I know it feels impossible to love yourself but once you allow yourself to you may be able to see and believe how much others love you too! Can you think of anything that you can do right now that would love yourself and take care of yourself right now?

So I have had an extremely difficult day and night. I talked to my therapist which did help. She told me that she thinks I will be ok and that she is going to help me get to college and do well. I trust her. I know she cares about me and I know she is the one person who won't give up on me. I put all my pills and bottles downstairs so I will be ok tonight. Actually funny as it is, I was feeling horrible and I'm sitting on my bed and there was an enormoussssss spider!! I'm not exaggerating at all. This thing was monstrous. So I dont mind spiders but this was a little unsettling - on the plus side it distracted me and made me laugh... So I'm going to sleep exhausted, sad, and hoping tomorrow is a significantly better day