Visiting my family. remembered why i left. trying not to go

visiting my family. remembered why i left. trying not to go into a spiral, become rageful, or dissociate. Of course thwre is no privacy anyways, so I would go into thw washroom to silently cry or have a silent anger/rage fit. And come out showing zero expressions, neutral. Because if you show your emotions here, it's much much worse. So you have to experience any and all emotions, in private. There is constant surveillance by the mother who has covert narcissism. The sibling who is caught in between, and tries to keep the peace and be the adult. We all both parentified adultified children, who are now adults. I dont know where this story begins or ends, but from beginning to end the entire journey is rotton, decaying, and sickly throughout. And somehow there is "love" a controlling surveillance. I HATE my mother. I hate her passive aggressiveness, I hate how she sings songs to put me down and psychologically torture without any one else knowing, so she can say "oh I didnt mean it that way I was just singing a song". Day 1 I was neutral. But Day 2 as she becomes more ANGRY at me for not doing or behaving fakely happy and lik we have this amazing xonnection which we dont, she becomes angry. And that means she acts like a victim, like I have hurt her, like I am tearing the family apart. And my sister believes it too. They both see me as a spoiled, rotton human being, who comes here for thek to wait on me and do all the crap I didnt ask for. I cant escape, I can but I cant because that will be weaponized against me later that I didnt stick around ans left them. Im just on my phone, on this wevsite, or watxhing youtube. Because I dont know what to talk avout them, they take zero interest in me, and dont have anyrhing tobshare
we are total strangers, who are forced to interact under rhe pretense that we are a family. Butvyes, food and financially we can support eachther and Im trying to accept that. Im not sure how to exist here. im just realizing and marvelijg at how I survived like this since being a child.

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Just a thought, this isn't about you at all, it's about narcissists. They only speak for themselves and they're self-absorbed. It's not your fault.

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@KidDJ yea thank you for your comment. I’m here but not here. You know? Everyone can SEE me, and they see me and obsessively see me and it’s surveillance. But I am not seen, what I say is sort of ignored, and they try to force their will onto me, they shower all the stuff onto me, and it doesnt matter if I accept it or say no thank you----I am the bad one, selfish, in either scenario. So I dont actually exist. You know? And Im trying to use this experience, as an example or inspiration to begin seeing people. When they tell me something Ill just believe them. What they show me, they are. And Im trying to get something positive out of this experience. But the actual experience, is damaging me right now. I think the worst part is I cant leave. Thankfully I do have a flight on the 8th. So that is allowing me to not take it too seriously. Sort of like life. we will all die, so thankfully is temporary.

I can only imagine how irritatingly unmanageable this has to be. It sounds a lot like the teacher I used to work under. Nothing was ever her fault, and if she wasn't constantly talking about how everyone else was doing things wrong (in her eyes), she'd be crying because her feelings got hurt or getting annoyed at every little thing. And doing juuuuust enough to make you extremely uncomfortable, but not enough to make her look like "the bad guy." I know it's not the same. Different actions, situation, and not family with that teacher, but it was so subtle outside of our classroom interactions that nobody would ever think it was bad enough to drive me to quit. In other words, I empathize greatly. It's not "paranoia" although it's only you who recognizes how and why someone does seemingly "innocent" things like sing a certain song around you, or project toxic positivity just because you have REAL feelings that aren't always unicorns and rainbows.

I hope that you can cope effectively without losing your sanity. Family shouldn't make anybody breakdown. Family should uplift and support.

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@jonthecomposer. yea that person sounds like she has the same issues my mom has: covert narcissism. Im really sorry you had to be around her, ans I can see why youd quit. havinbg a boss who is evil, has to be top 10 worst situations to be in.

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