I haven't slept in forever. It's been at least 8 nights and probably more. I will doze for maybe an hour...then I wake up...and can't get back to sleep- no matter how hard I try. My eyes feel like boiled onions and my mind is going on a bender as well in these long hours. I had been doing really well. Now I feel on edge. Have impulses to do things like throw something at someone...had to bite my cheeks tonight in church...Just don't want to be disruptive or act crazy in any way. I've begun to have tactile hallucinations again...hands grabbing me or tapping my shoulder...bugs crawling on me...And a few times I've heard things, shocking things that one would think would cause some consternation were they heard by anyone else...but no one even lifted their head, so evidently I was the only one who heard them. Are they demons? Am I once more under their control? Am I going to fall into the rabbit hole again?
I've tried hard not to fight with my husband. Not to argue with him. I haven't wanted to take my meds, but have, just to avoid an argument. I did talk my pdoc into lowering my dose of abilify by 10 mg..I know that if I make any move to give myself away...my husband will 1) freak out 2)be angry 3)call the doc and maximize every possible med.
I think it's so unfair that I have no one in the world to talk to. My daughter is seeing a therapist...which I would never deny her of...but for the past three years, since my last therapist showed me the door for no conceivable reason, I've had no one. My husband said there was no money for one. But when my daughter began to struggle, he found that money quickly enough, I'll tell you. There's something really wrong with that picture. It just goes to show you where I stand. I'll stand and sleeping dogs must lie. I know some other liars too, but I won't go there at all.
Today I have 3 doctors' appointments. This is a very bad thing. At least I got through the pdoc appointment last week without raising a stir. Thatwas before things had really begun to get developed. haha She couldn't conceive what I was conceiving. And now I'm giving birth. All over again. Birth to demon children who tag me at my heels and grab at my arms and shoulders. Laughing constantly - that maddening laugh. THEY are the ones at fault here. But my husband can never see that. It's ALWAYS my fault. he will accuse me of not taking my meds. EVen though I have. He will probably reinitiate getting my name on the state hospital list and then it will be goodbye me forever. I will probably never get out. I will die there. I'll probably have to.
But maybe I'm projecting too much. Maybe there really isnothing wrong with me. maybe there really were people laughing etc. The sleeplessness? wellll. I don't know the answer to that one. i've been working out ; it's not like I shouldn't be tired. The song "time" by the Alan Parsons Project playing. "good bye my love, maybe for forever...who knows when we shall meet again , if ever...?" Maybe my husband will have this playing as they come to cart me off again. he can only hope.
Dear I went in to a mental hospital for 2 weeks when I had my breakdown , I couldn't sleep then for a week , but my doc gave me something to help me sleep , I believe I lived happiest days ever at the hospital , I felt safe there.
doc's know exactly what I'm going through .my new med's are the best ever , I used to take old meds which didn't help then I changed my doc and started therapy again , I'm almost normal with some side effects .
just don't miss your med's and you'll be better soon.
wish you good luck and your daughter too
hi Desert Rose,
I've been in over 30 hospitals for over a year at a time in some of them...none of them were for less than a month. While there are one or two good hospitals that I was in, they've told me I can't go back there because I'm too sick for them to handle. (and I quote). The rest of the hospitals were hell holes. They told my husband to put me in a state hospital and leave me there. State Hospitals are even worse than any I've been in. But when I'm doing well, I'm almost normal too. But when I'm sick, I'm REALLY sick/. I do NOT want to go to live in a state institution. I have numerous medical problems and I know I will die there. How can they throw me away?
so you see, I cannot let anyone know about this. I will have to try to make it better myself. There's too much at risk.
stick in there, things are bound to improve, and sleep will come when one gets tired enough. As to demons, well I've had quite a bit of deliverance myself and it always got better even if it got worse short term. Talk to your pastor or someone that specializes in delverance and try to rest knowing in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
I personally liked the food at the hospital but couldn't stand the the cigarette break regime or the others. Like too much "activity" amongst everyone there, very hard to find peace for me there. It's been over 6 months, more like 9 since my last episode and the meds are working, no more yelling at voices about God's stuff.
God bless!
Mark,
Thank you. I believe that demons can't possess a child of God...I believe this with my heart, but my mind argues with that... My pastor does believe in deliverance and just last night prayed over me with numerous people at my church's prayer meeting. I try to go with my heart on this one...but it's hard when your mind is so insistent. I'm sure you know that though.
This morning I wrote to my doctor at the last hospital I was in for several times, and they are the ones who were shipping me to a State hospital in the end. He told me I could not come back there because it is a short term facility and I always require too long of a stay and that I need long term commitment. So I emailed him and told him how well I've been doing this year and asked if there was really no chance that they would take me back once more. I pray that he answers and that they give me another chance. And maybe that will relieve my fear enough to calm myself down.
just a follow up.
First: an apology to Desert Rose. I just re-read my comment and it sounded much less friendly than I wanted it to. I'm sorry. I just meant to say that I've had really few positive experiences in the hospital...
secondly: naturally, the old Pdoc did not respond to my email. Seems I'm no longer on his Christmas card list.
Thirdly: I found out why I'm not sleeping. (wasn't sleeping)] it was my new pain pills, which were the first things to be mildly effective in a long while. But they kept me awake (I tend to have the opposite response to meds and need a very high dose for them to work. these meds would probably put a 6' 200 pound man in the hospital if he took what I take daily.) SO, I quit taking them. Now I'm sleeping...for at least an hour or two until pain wakes me up and the off and on sleep goes on for a couple more hours, then I give up and get up. But it is better than NO sleep. that, I can't deal with.
Apology accepted :), just kidding no need to apologize :P
Its good that you find why you couldn't sleep , but I couldn't understand why you are taking too many meds,and pain Pills ?
when I had my breakdown I had a terrible headache that didn't go with any pills ,I took pills for depression , others for Parkinson ( a side effect for using Risperdal ) , and more two kinds of pills which I don't know what they're used for.
but stop taking your pills is not a solution .
Do you have a file for the progress of your schizophrenia ? if so , ask for one from the hospitals you visited and just change your Pdoc . you'll find someone who will respond to your e-mails , and hopefully you'll find somewhere
a difference in treatment and in your health.
Can't do anything but wish you luck <3
dear Desert Rose,
Thanks for the suggestions and the advice....and re: your question about my file for my sz: no, I don't have ANY records and couldn't begin to list the 30+ hospitals I was in...don't even know their names or when in my life I was there! After 7 years medical records are destroyed anyway...but you are probably right and I should get the last 7 years worth.
God bless,