Walked out, yet again

I sit here today, Monday Jan 31st, once again facing a loss. The loss of you in my life but this time I feel it is different. I guess in a way what hurts the most are the lies and deception on your part just to claw yourself back into my life, to once again, without a second thought, get up and go, no matter the destruction you leave behind. It is truly unbelievable the lack of love, the lack of emotion, the total swift way in which you carry yourself and the way you couldn’t care less. I truly do not know you today. The person that left here last Thursday is a complete stranger, the real person that was once disguised as my one true love, the one that offered everything and gave nothing. In a way I am holding on to that, the thought that I do not know who you are, the thought that the person I was in love with simply does not exist. I have thought it in the past and probably wrote it too, the cruelty is beyond my comprehension.
I do not know how I am going to make this work, I do not know how one recovers from this and my day to day is now filled with pure uncertainty. Worse of all I feel like the most stupid man on earth. I am embarrassed to face my friends, face my family, I am even embarrassed to face my own therapist. The answers are all in front of me but the pain in my stomach is an ongoing pain that I cannot stand. The loneliness is a fruit of putting way too much emphases and importance on someone that NEVER loved me. Even more sad is the thought that it is all my fault, this all happened because of me, because I am so weak.
I know in my heart that you are somewhere tonight, 100% happy, living your every moment as though last week never happened. I envy your lack of love, your lack of emotion. I know that everyone around you is absorbing every lie and supporting you once again in your next big mistake, with your next victim, or perhaps it’s the same victim that you keep in your back pocket for moments like this that has once again given you what you need just because you know exactly how to ask.
Either way it’s sad, sad for me but the blame is all mine and I can only face myself in my darkest hour. I should have known better, I should have said no. I should have reminded you how you hurt me, I should have reminded you that you simply didn’t care. It was easy for you to walk out in 09, it was easy for you to walk out in 2010 and once again, it has been way too easy for you to walk out on me and my heart in 2011..

Hi ShihTzuDali, I am sorry for your hurt and loss of relationship. If there's anything that you would like to share with us, we are here to help you through this. Know that you are not alone.

Thank you Puppydoglvr,

It’s nice to know there is a group of individuals going through similar situations and that the pain is somewhat shared.

The look of contempt on his face, as he threw me out of my home,helps me go on.I was with this man for thirty two years,married for twenty seven.I have not had another relationship in the three years since,but someday I will.
I thought he was the love of my life.I'm angry at myself for being such an idiot.I'm coming to realize that he was the problem not me.

I can relate to that look, mainly of indifference… She spent the last day in my home, watching tv in bed, talking on the phone and spending time on the computer. She got up only to fix herself something to eat, walking back and forth to the kitchen of a small house with her head held up high and no second thought about the heartbreak she was creating and the destruction she was leaving behind.
As she left the last day, all she said was, “I’ll let you know when I’m going to return to pick up my things…” got in her car and drove off, not even saying “Good bye”.
I place the blame on myself for not being stronger, for allowing her back in my life three times in the last three years and forgiving all the pain she has caused in the past including betraying me deeply. I AM an idiot for thinking she was different, that she wanted something forever. I am an idiot for missing her, for needing her.