My husband had an affair 17 months ago with my friend. This woman came into our lives, we become friends, but little did both of us know she had more to her agenda. She got very close to my husband and I as she was going thru a divorce b/c her husband was having an affair. To make a long story short, I am trying to find a way to forgive my husband, but I can not. We have been married for 16 years now w/3 children. He is a man that I thought would never do this to me as my 1st husband had several affairs. He knew how bad it hurt me the 1st time so why on earth would he have an affair? He just does not get how badly he has hurt me and I am having trouble moving on. I have not told anyone about this and it is killing me inside b/c I have no one to talk to about this. I just need some advice about how to try to forgive. I am going thru the angry stage and do not want him the house, but he does not get the hint. What on earth do I do?
if anyone has any advice on how to find the strength to forgive I would really appreciate it. I just can not get the e-mails I read, the pictures of them together out of my head and so on and so on. I can not picture myself without him, but just can not forgive.
To forgive is not easy, but essential in life’s journey. Everyone experiences betrayals in life. We all need to learn to forgive in order to grown and evolve into loving people. I find forgiving is for myself, so that I don’t hold on to resentment, anger, and hatred; these feelings will destroy the person holding on to them. Forgiveness releases us, allows us to move forward, without any negative feelings, which makes us sick over time. I find when I make things personal it’s hard for me to forgive, but when I realize it had nothing to do about me, but what was going on within the other person’s mind is where the problem lies. When I let it disturb my peace of mind, then it becomes my problem. All we can do is clean up our own mind, and bring joy and happiness to the world no matter how crappy people treat us. Don’t let someone else’s sick mind, disturb your happiness, don’t let them ruin your life, it’s easier said than done, but that is the test. I write to you from experience, a long time of being upset at others, allowing them to hurt me. No longer do I give them the power to do so. “Anger is like drinking poison, thinking that it will kill your enemy” It takes a heart of a lion to do this life, I wish you all the best, Take care.
What do you want to do? You do have to forgive, you do have to move on - for your own sake, those things have to happen, regardless of what happens to your marriage. But you've got to ask yourself in the meantime, what do you want to do?If you want this marriage to be over, don't waste time, end it. If you want to work through this, committ to working through it. I promise you, I'm not trying to be flippant or non-caring here, but it's much easier to forgive and move beyond a situation once you've decided what you want to do.
You are right. In the beginning I wanted the marriage to work, but now I am just not so sure since I have not found a way to forgive. I just seem to keep getting upset all the time at him and that is not fair. He wants to have his family back, but why did he not want his family in the beginning of the affair? Our sex life was not great at all and he says he was seeking elsewhere. We were on shady terms when the affair first started, but can I honest trust he will never do it again? Not so sure. Thanks for writing back. I do appreciate it.
as far as i can work out and my only guide to this is my sisterinlaw took my bro back years ago, she didnt so much forgive him as forgive herself for her choice to keep him, it was a bite your tongue situation for the rest of us but we had to respect her choice, it took years for them to be normal but somehow they managed to do it,
so i guess its whatever u feel right is right
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
As long as your husband IS an OPEN WINDOW w/his life then trust will be eventually be regained & your suspicions will, with time be a distant bad memory as your brain goes through a series processes that he should acknowledge & discuss together w/you whenever YOU NEED to talk about it, that way it DOES help the healing process how ever long it takes, alot of people dont get that & wonder why the other person IS still hurting & want them to hurry up & get over it..... its not that easy/simple huh, so please keep talking w/us & take care of you.
April
He is on open window. He tells me his every move now as to whether he has to go to a meeting etc., etc. Now he just wants to rush home after work and not have to stop anywhere even though he really needs to stop at Home Depot. He does not like to go anywhere now on his own. This is a process just as a recovery alcoholic program is a process. He has been very patient to that, or so he says, andI use to talk a lot about things w/him. There was a point where he said he did not want to hear it anymore b/c it hurts him too bad to know my feelings at that moment as feels so badly for hurting me. Do i believe him, not so much. I told him that I need to talk about when I need to and he should just listen as he is the one who caused the pain and heartache. I have never felt anything this bad in my life before and it is hard. I was at my breaking point a couple of days ago and just wanted to check myself into a hospital and just get some alone time to think. I really do appreciate your advice April and loved chatting with you. I will definitely keep in touch as you have put some thinking into my brain about things. Take care.
He is right. Men do not want to hear our feelings because it makes them feel like cads. But I don’t know if it hurts them because they feel for us, or because it bothers them to hear what should have been their conscience talking to them before the fact.
The other lady was needy. She couldn’t face the harsh reality of her own divorce, so she sought solace in your husband of many years (someone who is obviously not afraid of commitment, which she probably would not find in the bars or dating sites).
Hummmm 3 meals in a hospital, clean sheets does sound good for a moment. Gee wiz I do understand people dont WANT to keep reliving their toxic crap, my husband wore womens clothes for his entertainment, something that was in his past as a kid growing up & seems to go back to it off & on through his life w/peeping tom activity (a felony) w/alcohol abuse etc... (this IS the second time I've ever revealed myself & crap in my life on this site)so I DO get where your coming from, its all very scarey, sick, helpless to help on my end... it IS what its is & your not alone & its a good thing that you maybe have a willing partner that wants to make things work, again it takes as long as it takes & we must either accept or purge whats going on, it does not make it right by any means what happened or is happening... My husband is bipolar/schzoid/BPD w/a grocery list more & I truly have no want or need any longer to even know any of it any further & thats where I'm at years later..... Keep talking when you feel like it.
April
I feel like I am going through what you are too! I want to forgive and forget and move on...but it is so hard to do. Just one day at a time that's really all we can do.
I feel your pain the women was dead wrong and your husband also. People dont know what they have till they lose it and then it's to late. I will pray for you stay strong.
Yes they both were wrong...but my husband and I have had a very long talk...and this is not his character to do this sort of thing...and I know that he only did it because I was not home...but I will be home soon and we will have each other to turn to...and he said that he is not going to have to turn to the computer...because I will be home...we are going to start over...it's gonna be a hard road but we are gonna make it.
maybe that anger you have bottled up is hurt. maybe not. you gotta figure out what you want. he went down a path that he knew would destroy you and your marriage. he chose it, not you. personally, if it's been this long, and you are still this angry, i think you need time apart to figure out what's best for you. not revenge, just time to think it over. the love of my life, betrayed me in the worst way possible. He had sex with a minor. he is in prison now, for 10 years, and here i am 40 years old, with a broken heart and 5 years later, still not over it. i loved him more than life itself, but the alcohol in his system that night ruined my life and his. i hate drugs with everything in me. i want to hate him, but i can't. so i move on slowly, little by little, trying to survive everyday. no matter the details betrayel and heart break are exactly that. so we have to do what's best for us.
I understand where u are coming from.my husband and i were married under a year dated six year.one day he came home said he needed to talk to me.he told me he had went to bed with someone else.I felt like i had been hit in the face.
My husband had countless affairs in the church w/women that I knew. We are almost divorced now. I , too have been told to forgive. It is not easy. Still working on that one. Am I angry that he could not walk out our Vows? Yes. I was willing to try to restore our marriage, today, I know I could not be with him Knowing He has been with other women. I would have to be a saint. I certainly cannot advise anyone on this subject. I do say the words, Lord, I forgive him, But until it comes from my heart ??? I don't know. For me, TIME will be the answer.
Terrier. I was very much like you. I couldn't imagine my life without my husband. I was in utter shock and disbelief when I found out he was having an affair. But now that we will be divorced soon, I have realized that being unable to see my life without him was not a good enough reason to continue on. My trust was shattered and I could try to deal with that but I knew I would never every trust him again. I couldn't see my life without him but he sure saw himself with another women. No one deserves to be lied to by someone who vowed to forsake all others. Good luck with your choice. You are not alone.
All the new comments have been so helpful to me. Especially the one about forgiveness which is where I know I need to go. I now have an issue that I have never seen or heard anyone talk about and it is going to be hard to put it in writing, but I really could use some feedback. My husband who cheated now wants me to have a relationship with his friend. What is all that about? What could his motivation be for wanting me to now cheat on him? He says he just wants me to be happy. I can't figure this out. Does he want us to be even up? Does he want to be able to use an affair I might have to justify his affair and to give himself the OK to continue it? As you can imagine, along with all the pain of the affair I am now totally confused and stressed out about him constantly suggesting I "take off" with his friend. HELP!
nanam, don't listen to him any longer, please focus on you and which path YOU need/want to take, do it with pride,respect, honor and love for yourself. What he's telling you to go do should be big RED FLAGS to you. He's not attempting to rebuild a relationship based on trust/respect/love/compassion/caring, if he was, he would not be talking to you in this manner.
OMG
Hello Terrier, I know your pain oh too well. I was married to my ex husband for 15 yrs. Our divorce will be final July 19, 2012. Throughout our marriage he cheated on me several times. The hardest part is asking questions and hearing answers that literally turn your stomach. When you think about him sharing intimate moments that only the two of you are suppose to share, he shared with them. It literally destroys your life. It messes you up, even as a woman. I found myself trying to compete in the bed with these other women. Then I would ask myself; Y am I competing for a man that is legally and spiritually mine? I tried so hard to forgive and move past the affairs, but the hatred I felt for them and for my ex husband began to consume me to the point where, I could not stand the sight of him. I couldn't stand for him to touch me, look at me, nothing. I mostly couldn't even stand being intimate with him anymore. I had faked it as long as I could. I just couldn't do it anymore because I was losing Tina. I'm still trying to forgive him, which has been hard and a real struggle.But I know in order for me to really move on with my life and hopefully be in love again one day, I have to forgive him, plus it's in the Bible that God orders us to forgive those that have wronged us other wise he won't forgive us. So forgiveness is not just for him, it's for you too. Pray and ask God to help you to get through this because it's killing you inside. And as you pray I'll be praying too.