Hey all, after having had yet another discussion on how I do not support him, how he is the only one who is working ( i am a stay athome mom of one) and how he needs my help but is tired of being dissapointed and tired. I never know whar to say. I just sit there and try to play cool and rational. I tell him that taking care of a 19 month old is not always fun ( he says he would so much rather spend time with our girl than being the corporate douche.) After a while I just feel so bad. He says bc of me he is missing time with her bc of my lack of work... Bc now he has to work a full time job. I am looking on and off for a job but none of my degrees are accepted here. Just wish I could just fightmy case better, make him see my side!
being a stay at home mom is a full time job. 24/7. we dont get a day off. everyday we have to do stuff. there is no day off.tell him at least he gets a day off. ask him how he has clean clothes everyday for work, how he has a towel to dry is butt of after a shower. who cooks his dinner when he comes home? alot of times men dont realize exactly what we do for them. i would slack off a little bit and when he comes home say see look how clean the house has been and now look at it who do you think spends all this time doing this.it doesnt just get there on its own.im sorry but i am a stay at home mom of 2 and i can not stand when someone puts us down because we have hard jobs as well. if hes not satisfied its just like a boss who is over your head complaining about the job you did. i always tell my husband how much i appreciate him working and putting food on the table and he in return appreciates me. its a 2 way street.as far as him missing time with her i get what hes saying but i would also tell him think about the men who serve our country who truly miss out on the birth of their children and their lives. it is sad. someone always has it worse then we do. i dont mean to sound hateful i just am trying to help you to help him understand that you appreciate him and want the same and that things could be worse. our job is a job,
Heloise:
In my opinion, I do better when the breadwinner says, "You can work it you want to, but I don't want you to feel obligated. I'll make sure ends meet."
Of course this is a two-way street. The spouse that stays at home should know how to track and manage money, and contribute to the household by helping out around the house since they are NOT working outside the home.
In my personal life/opinion, should these roles be reversed and I started being the breadwinner, I would hope/expect my spouse would pick up the slack for me. It just makes sense that the one that doesn't work outside the home contribute in this way.
I'm sorry I don't really know what to say to try to help! I know that if I were in your shoes, I would be LIVID! :) Maybe ask yourself if there is any truth to your spouse's side of the story: Is there enough money for your household on his salary alone? Do you have any skills (maybe something that isn't even related to your degrees....) that you could do at home that may bring in money for your household?
Many private preschools do not require that lead or assistant teachers have a teaching degree (although having a degree of some kind always makes you more hireable - you know that), and also, many of them cut the teachers a price break for childcare for their kid while they work. I used to teach preschool, and while I did not have children, my coworkers did and many of their kids attended preschool free of charge. For the coworkers with multiple kids, a price break was awarded.
If you really want/need to stay home and focus on your child and household, then stick to your guns, but also show that you can manage the family money, you're not lazy or wasteful, and that you're goodwilled. I hope your spouse changes his tune. :( :)
I hope this gives you some ideas. At the same time, I hope your spouse sees that you're trying to see it his way and that he will ease up on you and appreciate everything that you do around the house and raising your child.
Good luck!
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate that you are trying to. E fair to bis side as well. The situation is this: he just took a job as a teacher bc he loves it so much, but it doesn’t pay well. He had another offer that paid very well but he felt terrible working for that company. I supported his choice bc he should like what he is doing the money will be thight but we will manage. I do the chores at home, cook , wash, take care of the animals and our girl. He does nothing at home and I don’t make him, bc he works outside. The problem is this: he would like to reverse our roles. But he woupdnever do as good of a job at home or with her as I do. He is not very stable (not mentally ill or violent, but gets so distracted and easily upset). One of the issues you hit right on… I wish I could find smt to do to supplement our income. He consults on the side and I “only” take care of the house. We live in Europe and my MSW doesnt count here. Plus every time I suggest I just work as a social worker he says the money I would make would barely cover daycare. And we agreed not to put her in daycare …maybe only for a short time, a day oe max two. I feel so trapped and alone. No family either. Foer every suggestion he has some reply( but his are always for an altruistic reason. When I say I appreciate your sacrifice he tells me if I want to appreciate and help get a well paying job. So I started an online degree, now he is telling me hoe much money it costs and it will not help. Is i say i understand how upset he is, he replies that that is worse, bc then I knowingly do not come up with a solution. Help!
sounds like he is having some "issues". id ask him what does he want you to do. your doing everything you can. you are trying to go to school to better yourself yet he complains. you offer to work then he complains about that. i understand the whole not being able to afford daycare because it is 100.00 per child if not more now a week. things are going up so probably higher. he probably is jealous of the fact that you are staying home while he goes to work because he doesnt realize what all you do. my husband and i have done eachothers rolls so i think that is where the respect comes in because he is good at what he does and i am good at what i do. i hope in time he will get past this for your families sake. it is hard when you have no family around you feel shut off from the world. plus bein home makes it that way more so. i am truly sorry. only thing i can say is time makes things change and so do people. i hope things get better for you i am here if you need to talk.tons of respect from one housewife to another. :)
Heloise:
Here is something to consider - I'm not saying it'll work for you or that it's even available to you at your place and time in life, but it's worth thinking about and perhaps working towards in the future. The idea I'm sharing with you below is something that my husband and I would like to do once he's done being a military man.
We have some friends: a Dad, Mom, and they have 4 kids. The parents knew from early on in their marriage that they wanted to really be there for their kids, once the kids came along. Both parents are educated, one with a Ph.D and one with a Masters. If both parents worked full time, their household could easily bring in $160,000 combined salary in US Dollars per year. Instead, each parent has chosen to and been lucky enough to land a part-time job. Each parent works about 20 hours per week! Their combined salary is about $80,000 in US Dollars. They manage their money well so they have enough $$$ to work with and support their family, PLUS, BOTH parents get significant quality time with the kids. I hold this family in high regard - I'm impressed that they were able to pull it off, and also that they thought of it and wanted to do it in the first place. Like I said, they could be making beaucoup bucks if each parent were working full time using each's respective college education to bring in as much dough as they're worth - but they chose to make a sacrifice, live on less, yet have a high quality of life both for themselves and their kids.
Maybe this will help you generate some ideas for now for future plans for your family.
Thanks for your support. This is where the whole thing comes from. When we foumd out I was pregnant we decided to share the load, bothwoild have part time jobs. I nevee found smtg and he took on a full time job to pay the bills.he feels so jealous and resents me for having gotten the better deal and “breaking” our promis. He just cannot get past it. That is where the guilt comes in, he accuses me of not looking hard enough or especially not coming up with creative ways to help out. He is so bitter.
Helosie, have you ever thought of working at a childcare or something like that, where you can take your daughter to work with you?