Wanting to purge

Even though I never eat out anymore, I decided to go to lunch with my brother today because I haven't seen in such a long time. I also knew that if I refused to eat he would probably be even more concerned. So I went to Panera with him. I spent all morning obsessively looking at their menu online and trying to plan how I could fit something into my daily allotted calories. My husband eventually shut off the computer and told me to just go with the soup and salad I picked out like thirty minutes before. I was extremely anxious throughout the whole meal, but I did eat it all. Now I feel like an absolutely fat, disgusting, lazy pig. And I realize now that I can't really trust the calories posted on-line, maybe the employees put more cheese on the salad or more soup in the bowl. I feel like I'm losing control- why did I have to eat so much? I could have just picked one thing. Why did I have to be such a pig and get two things? I'm sitting here wanting to purge just to get all of this crap out of me. Ugh. This really sucks.

So what if they put more cheese or added a bit more soup? Whats the WORST thing in your mind that will happen?

It sounds silly, I know. I feel like I'm getting fatter.

I understand your fears, and how you do ‘feel’ bigger after eating. It’s an emotional reaction, but it does feel physical too.
Until you reach a point where your body and your brain are nourished adequately again, you may not feel ‘safe’ with food or be able to trust your body. But please try to believe that it will come! Just don’t give up!
No one who isn’t in recovery from an ED eats the same number of calories each day, and their bodies know how to adjust and accomodate the differences. That’s the beauty of a healthy body and being recovered. During this time, it’s critical for you to eat what is on your ‘plan’, but a slight variance truly will not matter in the end.
Keep writing and keep breathing…and never give up!! HUGS…Jan :heart:

Chelsea, yesturday you recognized that your weight is very low and even said you were going to try and take positive steps...isnt this a positive step?

Yes...but I can't even put into words how scary it is when the number on the scale moves up. I don't mean to be dramatic, this is just really tough.

Girl, I'm well aware of how scary it is, I am scared of the scale also. Heres a soultion, don't weigh yourself until tommorow. Then see if the scale budged at all, I doubt it would have.

I know how you feel. Sometimes I freak out people are making my coffee drinks the reglar versions instead of fat free. I feel like they're going to do it on purpose, like they're out to get me. So silly, and dumb.. but we just can't help it. I'm glad you ate your whole meal though :) I love Panera, I always get the black bean soup, you should try that next time you go.

You seem to like beans eh Kristin? lol Just an observation!

I freak out/get super paranoid when I go through drive through to order a tea sometimes....i always specify black, meaning nothing in it. Then i get it and convince myself that they must have put sugar in it and usually end up chucking it without even tasting it :/

Yeah, I've done the same exact thing! Often I psych myself out of going to a restaurant because I worry about things like that.

Yes!! I loveeeee beans, all kinds. I go through phases were my main diet is a certian item, for the past month it's been beans. I'll probably move onto a new item soon though. Before beans it was bananas. I love tea, I wish I could drink my coffee black! I gotta have some type of cream though.

I go through those phases too!!! Mine was blueberries before, then moved onto bananas, then grapes and now its celery. What the heck is wrong with us?! LOL part of the control factor I suppose? I havent been into beans though, like what kind do you get? Brand/type?

I love french style green beans, fat free refried beans (watch out though, it'll give you gas hahaha), pinto beans, and black beans. I usually eat half a can a day of either black, pinto, or fat free refried. I'll typically eat an entire can a green beans, I don't split those up. I ususally buy the walmart brand (great value) because it's cheaper. Old Paso makes the same fat free refried, and Green Giant for the other beans if you don't have a walmart.

I'll probably become obsessed with beans after celery lol

I do the same thing, going through periods where I'm obsessed with one kind of food and then move on to another. Last month, it was apples. Now it's carrots. Since I'm getting kind of sick of carrots now (and a bit worried my skin is going to turn orange-it happens!), maybe I'll try beans too :)

I thought about dipping celery and carrots in the beans! Haven't done that yet though.

Mmmm kristin that would be tasty!