Hi everyone,
I'm feeling really annoyed at myself right now for having b/p. Truthfully I'm not really in recovery mode at the moment. I decided I would start restricting again last weekend (reasons for this: comments about how "healthy" I now look having put on weight, "more well-fed" etc, all of which I know are well-intentioned but it still messes with my mind. also every time my parents left the house they would say "no bingeing, purging" etc, they seem to be more concerned about that aspect than the starving and losing weight. and I'm just worried about other things in my life and restricting makes me feel better!) Anyway, I lost a bit of weight in the past few days, but ruined it all last night with a big binge, and then another one this morning! I know I shouldn't be restricting, I just can't stop this stupid cycle.
Also I think the main thing is that I still don't feel justified in getting help for my ED. I've never been in hospital and I am really feeling the urge to get to a drastically low weight to feel validated or something. It's like this is another aspect of my life that I have given up on and failed at. It's like with everything else, I get to a certain point, nearly make it, and then back out. Which is exactly what I did with the ED. I know it's the ED trying to convince me that I will be strong if I can lose weight, and I somehow think I will prove my determination. Oh and it's also I think I want people to see how much I'm struggling, which they can't at the moment because I've gained weight.
Sorry, I know these are not helpful recovery comments, I just wanted to get some opinions in regards to if anyone else has felt the same way etc.
Hmmmm... It sounds like you're really stuck in the cycle of the disease right now... :0/ You say you "decided" to go back this weekend, and that you think you need to be sick enough to be admitted to a hospital in order to be validated. Both of these statements are understandable in the context of having an eating disorder, and I'll admit having felt these things at one time, too... However, I wonder if you *really* decided to go back to your restricting... You're posting here on a support site for recovery, afterall... That leads me to think that at least some part of you really wants recovery, even if it doesn't feel like it's within your grasp right now. Restriction, as I'm sure you know, is leading to the b/p cycle, which is pushing you to continue restricting, etc... Breaking this cycle is *hard*, but you can absolutely do it with the proper help. Anyone that really understands eating disorders will know that weight does not determine need; you do not need to reach a smaller size to be worthy of help, or validated as a worthy human being... ♥ I understand those feelings; Ed lies to us all... But it is so important to begin talking back to him... To reason and argue and try to counteract his messages. You ARE worthy. Simply because you ARE. ♥
Hey Jen,
Thanks so much for your reply - it really helped me. I know that how much weight you lose isn’t a measure of how unwell you are, I think I needed to hear it from someone else though. and you’re right - I do want to recover (hence why I joined this group a few days ago), I just think I want to wait a little longer. But hopefully once I get help after this holiday period things will improve. I’ve also kind of broken the cycle before, so I should be able to do it again!
Hey, another question if you don’t mind. Why do you think some people can just keep restricting and restricting for a long time, until they are very sick and not binge? Do you reckon some peoples’ bodies just get to a point after having restricted for so long where they need to binge?
fire and rain, i can't tell you how much i relate to your post. it's unbelievable what a similar situation we're currently both in. i'm being admitted into a 5day/week OP program starting next week and i'm in a FULL blown restriction/bp cycle because i'm paranoid they'll either kick me out when i get there and get on the scale (as in, "WTH are you doing here you fat cow????") or all the other patients will look at me like i'm some freak.
and the whole "validation" part i totally get. i'm 40 years old with two small children and here my family has to pool their money together so that i can attend this expensive program. the sick part of my brain keeps saying that i don't deserve their help and that they must think i'm not "sick enough" (ie. drastically low enough weight) to be worthy of spending this money on. i mean, afterall, its not like i'm on the brink of death like how some people get.
but, like i read on another recovery site, it doesn't take near-death weights to suffer from serious health complications due to ED. i know i've caused myself a LOT of damage over the past 30 years due to this **** thing, but the worst thing of all is, the amazing life i'm meant to live that i'm missing out on b/c of it and all of the happiness i KNOW i'm meant to have b/c its my birthright! and the same goes for you! who cares WHAT a scale says, if we're sick and its causing us angst, pain, depression and further problems, it's worth addressing!! and we're WORTHY of help!!
fire and rain, I can understand where you are coming from, i think exactly like that. I don't see myself as sick until i am in hospital, that way others can see i'm in distress. I'm not sure if it's an attention thing i have or maybe other areas of my life are not that great. probably a bit of both. people don't know u need help unless you actually ask for it, i have figured out who my real friends are because of this. have u got anyone close you can talk to? My GP was really good at giving me advice, well actually he referred me to people who could help me because i just couldn't think at the time. U don't deserve to punish and self torture yourself, your body is your friend