WARNING Breaking Point Exceeded

Oh god!!! I can't do it anymore! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! An army recruiter called me and I couldn't lie when she asked if I had any mental illnesses....she said that my history of anti-depressents disqualifies me. That was the only flicker of hope that I had in my bleak future. I'm worthless for everything. Useless. Nobody freaking wants me!!!! That's why I turned to the blade after the call. And I keep hitting myself in the head, I can't stop...

How the hell am I going to make it through tonight?!? I'll probably give myself a concussion by morning...that's the only way I can keep from ending my life......

Scared.
Lost.
Alone.

Hey the military was only one option, my friend. How about learning a trade, doing something with your hands. Do you like to make things, interested in cooking, electronics, etc.? There are millions of possibilities if you open your mind. Stay safe. Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about.

I wanted an all out purpose in life - meaning I wanted to risk my life for others. I could care less about myself. If I have to live out my life, cause I failed so many times at suicide, I want others to have a better life.

I KNOW I HAVE NEVER WROTE TO YOU BEFORE, THE TRUTH IS I JUST STARTED THIS TODAY. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD STOP HITTING YOUR HEAD I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I KNOCKED MYSELF OUT IN A DRUNKING RAGE AND ENDED UP IN HOSPITAL WITH A CONCUSSION THAT LASTED WAY 2 LONG NOT ONLY WAS I DIZZY AND COULD NOT SEE, I THREW UP FOR DAYS. SO JUST FYI. PLUS THE BILL WAS CRAZY. NOW I BELEIVE THAT NO ONE IS USELESS AND THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE AND ANIMALS IN NEED SO GO VOLUNTEER AT SO LOCAL POUND OR HOMELESS PLACE MAYBE IT WILL LEAD YOU TO YOUR DESTINY. GOOD LUCK

Hey HG,
Wow! What you wrote there was so powerful but yet so much sadness. You wanted to go into the army so you were risking your life? Sweetie that's not what that is about, it's about saving lives, and yes there is a risk, but there is more emphasis put on saving than risking.

Please hun are you going to therapy? And if you are not see one...it is so important. You have a gift of life, you can give so much...you just need to find your value and your purpose.

Try and not think of this as a stopping stone but merely the start of something fantastic, you can go into anyway career...how exciting is that???

Keep talking to out hun...we are here for you
Love to you
Moongal x

Dear Hopeless Girl,
I'm glad that the army turned you down. They were doing you a favor. Did you really want to be sent overseas with an assignment of killing someone else? You're too good for that. You have unique talents, I am sure. Sometimes, it's frustrating when you don't know how to use them or when other people don't recognize them. Nobody freaking wants you? How about me? I, for one, would like to be a friend to you. What about the other people who have posted replies to your comment? There's a whole WORLD of people out there who care. I know that hope evades us sometimes. When I had a miscarriage, I felt hopeless. I felt like a failure--like my body was too stupid to house a baby--like I murdered my own child. I planned to kill myself when my husband was at church. Then I thought how devastated he would be when he came home. I thought about how other people would be affected by my death. I thought about my Sunday school kids and what lesson that would teach them. I felt like I'd been so selfish, contemplating suicide. My husband came home from church with bouquets of dandelions from the Sunday school kids. Life doesn't always go as we plan it to, but there is something to look forward to. Each of us has value--unique value. I wish that I could be with you right now, Hopeless Girl, because I would give you a big hug, and since I am very fat, I give very big hugs. I would hold you tightly and whisper into your ear, "You are precious," over and over until you started to believe me.
Love,
Kathleen

Guys, what I'm saying is in no way referring to you. I'm just really angry. And I appreciate your love and support very much.

Moongal - No, I didn't mean that. I meant that I want to help others and save them. And if I got killed in the process - that's okay. It's about the people I'm helping. I certainly know what the army is about...believe me. All I'm saying is that I wanted to totally give myself to others, no restraints.

No, I'm no longer in therapy. I can't afford it. Everybody is so freaking expensive - what is the motivation for charging hurting people so much??? Therapists SURE want to help us!(sarcasm, but not towards you.)

Kathleen - You sound like a very sweet lady. I wasn't going to go into the killing field.... I was thinking more along the lines of removing bomb threats from the field. Almost my whole world of "friends" walked away and gave up. Most without any goodbye. If I can't even trust my own loved ones, how can I trust the world?

~ Hopelessgirl

Eva - Yeah, I know the consequences of hitting my head. I've done it many, many times and again I don't know how to stop. Whenever I have something hard in my hand, self-hatred comes over me and I do it. I have a constant migrane now, I deserve it though....

Hope (sweetpea) your thinking is very admirable & we all love you for that. Your persistance is wonderful & you will find a way to be of service to all. You have so much to offer. BIG HUG!

Love April

Thanks April, I needed that hug.

Hey HG,
I duno how they do it in the states here in ireland I am seeing a therapist and paying is voluntary, now this is not for all therapists obviously but there are certain ones. Maybe if you had a google, you may come across something. You're right good mental health should be there for everyone.
But keep looking foward hun, you're doing great...you just have to figure your path, ask yourself what do you love?...that's a good place to start

Kathleen your story is inspirational and I am so sorry about the fact that you lost a child that must have been heartbreaking and you seem to love them so much from having sunday school with them.
Have you considered adoption or fostering? What an amazing gift that would be.

Love to you guys
Moongal x

Dear Hopeless Girl,
Yeah, I've had a lot of crappy friends, too. I'm too gullible, too willing to give my heart away, and I've been hurt because of it. I cannot tell you how often people have taken advantage of me. Over the years, though, I have found some true friends. Those are the ones who love you for who you are, not expecting you to change to be good enough for them, and who give back to you, instead of just taking from you all the time. I think that there are other ways in which you could give to others, rather than looking for mines. You are precious, Hopeless Girl. Do you like animals? Maybe you could volunteer some time at an animal shelter. My sister volunteers for a wildlife center, and she nurtured a baby opossum to the point of release, which was really rewarding to her. Sometimes, animals are nicer to us than people are. What about kids? Maybe you could volunteer at a school, and that might turn into a job for you. There are so many kids who need adults to guide them. What are your interests? I just sense that you are creative. Do you paint? Do you write? Do you make music? Maybe you need to express yourself through one of those outlets, but you haven't been allowing yourself to do so. I sincerely care about you, and I'd like nothing more than to see you change from Hopeless Girl to Hope Filled Girl. I have found that, when my life sucks, it's a signal to me that I need to make some sort of a change. Do something differently, Girl. Make a change. Trust me, it'll make a difference.

And to my wonderful Moon friend, I must tell you that I did try to adopt. In fact, we were on the top of our county's adoption list when I received a call from my aunt in New York, telling me that a distant relative of mine needed a home, so we took in Katie as a foster child, intending to adopt her. She was 12 years old. She had been sexually molested by her parents and a neighbor. She was retarded and had Tourette's Syndrome (which had been undiagnosed prior to my figuring out that's what it was). She came to California to live with us for a year. During that time, she flirted with my husband and abused me physically. During that year, my husband's mother died, my mother died, I had another miscarriage, and my 18-year-old cat died. I still, thinking that I could be Super Mom, was hopeful that it would work with Katie. Katie was embarrassed about my weight. She broke things in our house. She got to the point where my husband feared for my safety, so we had to send her back. That was the most difficult decision I ever made in my life. Katie did not care where she lived. I will never forget her skipping onto the airplane while Robert and I stood, hugging each other, weeping in the airport. Our social worker said that we were still on the county's adoption list, but we never went back. It was too much for us. I write poetry, and I wrote a poem after those events, when I was so, so depressed. I'm including it below.

Anyway, remember, Hopeless Girl, that my big fat arms are wrapped around beautiful you.
Love,
Kathleen

Advent

It’s dark outside
I sit in the church
And look at the stained glass windows
They show me no color
Only blackness—but
Soon the light will come

There have been times
In my life
When there was
Endless night
And I chose
To close my eyes
And cover my ears
Because I wanted to remain
In the silent
Darkness
But the light
Put its arms around my shoulders
Warming me
And melting the ice
Around my cold heart

I walk outside
I know there are mountains
In the distance
I can’t see them—but
Soon the light will come
And I’ll be able to see for miles on my flat planet
I stop
And look up into the night sky
And I see the light
Bouncing off moons and planets
Millions of miles away
I feel the light
Kissing my cheeks
And see it dancing in the eyes
Of people who look up

Hopelessgirl, we are all here for you, please know that. You have so much love and support here. I know that you will get through this and be better on the other end of it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots and lots of love.

Hey Kathleen,
I am so sorry about your first experience with having a child in your home but those were special circumstances. Whatever you choose to do I'm sure is best for you and your husband. I just feel such love from you that I think a child would be so blessed to have you both.

And what you are doing for your sunday school kids is amazing so hold onto that. And don't forget what you offered that child, that love you gave her will have a place in her heart for the rest of her life you may not think it now, but it does and will.

Love to you
Moongal x

Moongal - I don't think we have anything like that here. I've done a lot of research.

Kathleen - Yes, I love to write. But all I can transfer to paper is depressing. I can't write happiness anymore. I'm looking into volunteering at a senior center, I've always had a love for older people, but right now I cant even leave the house....so that might fall through.

Puppydoglvr - I do feel a lot of love here, but that makes me all the more nervous. I get too overwhelmed when people care, it just means they'll leave me in the end.

Hopelessgirl, I'm so sorry that you feel that way, but try not to think of anyone leaving you, but rather envision them staying and nurturing you. We are here and here to help you through this.

I think that volunteering at a senior center is such an amazingly selfless thing to do and it will be such a fulfilling experience for you.

Beautiful HopeFUL Girl,
Here's a writing prompt for you: Write about the dawn. Right about that picture that you've posted, of the tree in what could be sunset or dawn--imagine that it's dawn. Write about how that tree feels when the sun breaks through those last evening clouds and shines warmth upon its branches. If you feel like you can't remember what morning sunshine feels like, get up early tomorrow morning and force yourself to go outside--just a few steps--to experience the dawn. Write about how that tree feels, rooted in the earth. You are that tree. You have strong roots. The sunshine is all of the people who want to love you. Don't be afraid of us--we ain't going anywhere. Open up yourself to that healing light. Fill yourself with it. When you become saturated with it, you won't be able to help it--you'll have to go to that senior center and love the people there who need some of that sunshine, too. People need other people--we need to get love and give love. That's what life is all about; it's like inhaling and exhaling.
I love you, sweet, wild, wonderful girl. I love you and give you hugs and kisses and smiles and lift you up in my arms and over my head so you can feel the breeze on your cheeks and so a butterfly can land on your nose and tickle you into a sense of wonder,
Kathleen

i can't. im buried with burdens right now. nothing happy or good can come of of this piece of crap that i am. i need to relieve everybody of this huge rock on their backs and take my life from this earth. thats my future, and it will never change...

Hopelessgirl, you are absolutely not a burden to anyone, but a bright light and a blessing with such a beautiful future ahead of you. Please think of the state of devastation that you will leave on your family and friends who love you so much. Please hold on and hold strong. And, please keep sharing with us, we are here for you.

Dear Hopeful Girl,
What are the burdens that are burying you? Why do you feel like you are a rock on the backs of other people? Tell me. Talk to me.
I love you,
Kathleen