I divorced this man 8 years ago. We were married for 12 years, had a son together. Physical and mental abuse started 2 weeks after my son was born. The first time I threated to leave him, he left my daughter and me stranded on the side of the road, and took of with my son. I didn't hear from him for two days. The bad thing was, my husband's mother and father, helped him. I knew I was in trouble then. Shortly after that, I accepted the fact that I was stuck in this relationship. I didn't trust this man to care for my son every other weekend, if I was to divorce him. My children were not old enough to know right from wrong. I allow this man to control me, beat me, use me as he wanted. I did this for 11 years... finally I cuoldn't take anymore. I built up strength and self-esteem thru a job I had in town. I decided it was time to go. When he found out my plan, he lost it. When we got in bed that night he wanted to have sex, and I wouldn't. He got angry and forceful, grabbing me, not letting go. I fought with him. My son had a friend over that night. I was so embarrassed. I struggled to keep his hand, fingers from penetrating me. He squeezed my private so hard I couldn't let go of his hand to fight him off! I finally took a deep breathe, let go of his hand, grabbed the lamp on the nightstand and hit him over the head. It took me hitting him twice, to get him to let go of me. I jumped up and ran into the living room where my son and his friend were playing a game. I was in a t-shirt and panties. I was already starting to bruise from where he was squeezing me and forcing his hands on me. I told my son to get in his room, his father came after me... threatening me. Telling me I'm a slut cause I'm in the living room with two young boys... WTF? I was sooooo afraid of him. I thought he was going to kill me, thought I was going to die... It was the weekend. The next day I talked my husband into taking the kids to his mom's. She was a nurse. Surely to God she will believe me now, and help me get away from him. Nothing...
It took me finally leaving home and kids, 3 months later, to go to a safe home for two weeks. I was able to gather my thought and get my mind back. I went back home. 4 months later, he put his hands on me again. I was able to have him locked up and removed from the home. I ended up living with him for almost 9 months after he attacked me sexually. I had to continue to have sex with him, continue to be sociable around the family and friends. The whole time I was in shock. I never had a chance to talk about this to anyone really, let alone heal. I find this is still bothering me and affecting my current relationship.
Just looking for some understanding. Some reasoning as to how my husband could hurt me there to where I could barely walk for 2 weeks! What did I do to deserve that kind of treatment? Will it happen again...
I am so sorry for what you went through. I'm glad you found the strength to get out of the situation. I would suggest counseling and maybe some women's groups. They have alot of support out there to help you deal with what you went through. I don't have answers as to why your husband hurt you the way he did and I pray to GOD he is suffering his own hurt for what he did to you. You did nothing to deserve what he did and always remind yourself of that! Nobody deserves to be treated that way no matter what. My suggestion of counseling and women's groups is because you have the thoughts of, will it happen again. I know I probably didn't help much, but your story touched my heart and I wish you luck on your journey to total happiness.
thanks for expressing your care and wishes of happiness. i'm still trying to figure out what happiness really is...
Hey Liar2me,
I am so sorry for what happened to you, i am so glad you are speaking out now. I think you should go to therapy about this hun, you must have struggled with it so much and I feel so awful that you had to remain living with him, it must have felt so awful for you.
But hun, you are out now and safe and you can focus on you and your son. Oh sweetie you are a brave lady to fight like you did and don't worry you will find your happiness, and it's not far.
Love to you
Moongal x
Thanks moongal. I am really having a hard time with this. Like I said, it's been over 8 years! I am in counseling now. I started with her a few weeks ago. It seems to be going really slow. The bad thing is starting out new with someone, after experiencing so much trama in your life. They look at you, and have no idea what got you there because there is so much! I haven't been able to bring this up, yet. Like I said, haven't been able to talk about it too much. I had to hide it when it happened. Now, it seems really hard to talk about...
Sweetie,
The most important thing is that you are in therapy and don't forget that you are also trying to build a relationship with therapist, help what is going on now and speak about what happened in the past.
Believe me, that will come, maybe when you least expect it, but your conscious will know when it's comfortable for you and you are ready to confront that very painful past. Sometimes we bury things so deep for so long it's even difficult for us to find them and know how we feel about them.
But you are on the right track hun, be strong for yourself hun and keep going how you are. And keep letting us know how you are, we care about you.
Love to you
Moongal x
Liar2me, so glad your bringing it up & letting it out now & yes it does take alot of time for a therapist to get to understand you & the circumstances so all my strengths are with you on your healing.
Big HUG from all your friends here.
Take care of you.
April
p.s. there's pieces of me all over this site.
Thanks April. I went to counseler this past week. Still not much help. I know everything about her life, her daughter, her happiness, yet she still doesn't know anything aout me. I felt like she even cut me off this visit when I was in the middle of pouring my heart out! I'm just so lost and alone. I miss my son, my daughter, my family. I have know one to cry on, or to just talk to and them listen. I cry everyday because I miss my son so much and noone understands. I try to hold it in and be tough around everyone; that just make me cold and mean. I'm just so tired of all the pain...
If the therapist doesnt work out or doesnt meet your needs then you know the drill there, find another one that can assist. I myself try to stay as strong as I can & just Friday had to go through toxic, sick, disgusting, deep dark stuff w/my so called drunk AGAIN husband & he did it right infront of our 18yr. old son & our son was so appalled even though he knows his dads mentally ill & knows it doesnt excuse his crap. So I can grasp what your trying to get accomplished for you & being w/your family in the future. Makes me want to throw-up most days, I didnt get time to cry & breakdown cause I wanted to go to my grandsons 1st birthday & not look like death rolled on my doorstep, you know how that is & what I mean.
I LIVED WITH A MAN LIKE THAT FOR 22 YEARS I WAS ALWAYS WRONG AND I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. HE BELITTLED ME VERY CHANGE HE COULD GET I HAD ONE SON WITH ME FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE AND I HAD HIS SON. I HAD NO PLACE TO GO I WAS SCARED ALL THE TIME JUST WAITING ON HIM TO START BEATING ME AND CUSSING ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT KIND OF MOOD HE WOULD BE IN WHEN HE CAME HOME FROM WORK I WORKED BUT HE GOT ALL MY MONEY THAT WAS IS CONTROL OVER ME. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT AND HOW YOU FEEL I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 11 YEARS NOW TO A GOOD MAN BUT HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHY I HAVE THE PAST FOLOOW ME EVERYWHERE WE GO BUT IT IS ALWAYS WITH ME AFTER 33 YEARS I AM GOING TO A DV SUPPORT GROUP PEOPLE THERE THAT HAS OR IS GOING THOUGH WHAT I HAVE BEEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN TO COUNSELER AND IT IS ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS THEY GIVE YOU TO MAKE YOU FORGET BUT QUESS WHAT THEY DON'T WORK I AM TRYING TO WORK THOUGH ALOT OF GUILT, BITTERNESS, AND HATE AND IT IS BEEN SEND THOUGH THE NEW FAMILY I HAVE GOT AND IT HAS GOT TO STOP I DON'T WANT HIM CONTROLING MY LIFE ANYMORE I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND LEARN TO SMILE AGAIN AND BE HAPPY HOPE THIS HELPS I JUST LIVE DAY FROM DAY BUT I KNOW ONE THING I WILL NEVER LET ANOTHER MAN EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN
Shelia, all my strengths, I hope you find some relief.
Take care of you.
April
So Sorry for your pain! I can relate... Over twenty years ago I married a guy with whom I made the mistake of being open and honest about being sexually abused as a child, my trust issues, and my shame. He response was kindness & protectiveness, until the time came that I was having a bad day when he wanted to have sex & I just couldn't turn off the memories & told him so.....his response? Throwing a tantrum, calling me names & why the f did he have to suffer because of my problems? From then on I could never say no to him, & when I tried he'd just force himself on me & began verbally abusing me when ever he got mad, blaming me and 'my problems' for his anger. I endured this for ten years with no where to go & actually felt it was my fault and that just made it worse. He left me stranded a house in the hills, far from town with 2 little girls, no vehicle,& no money....his reason for doing that? To teach me a lesson for making HIM SUFFER-HA! It has taken me all these years to be able to face my past again, but you know what I did realize? Men like that see a relationship in terms of themselves, all that matters is their needs...they can do that to a woman because it is about their need to control, there need to feel powerful....you will come out much stronger in the end!
Persephone well said.
Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry for women who have to live like this everyday, specially thinking they deserve it in some way. Noone deserves to be treated this way. With the will of God, I know it will get easier in time. I know there is a better life, meant for us out there.
when i read your problem for the first time i feel like we have got strength. And hope if there is GOD then he should help you out and punish whoever give your troublem and kept you away from your children.
GOD BLESS U ALWAYS
liar2me
this won't happen again if you know what sighns to look for in an abusive man. I would educate yourself on that. These men that do these things its all about control..power. its mean and cruel. Im sorry for what he did to you. Im glad you are not with him anymore.
I also have been in an abusive relationship for more than 18 yrs. I was in denial for a very long time ..I always hoped he would change I guess but it took me till now TOO long to see the abuse in my marriage. He raped me also 9 mths ago it was not violent at all ,but it was rape.
turns out after 18yrs of marriage his sister tells me after my separation with him that he sexually abused her she was 5 he was 14. She went for counseling for it yrs later. Explains alot of the sexual abuse he did to me.
I have been seeing a counselor and only now just started shareing the abuse with her.
She said hes put me through hell. He was financially controling also and emotionally controling. The scars of emotional abuse are deep. Has no idea the effects of his abuse has had on me.
they don't care and they don't see themselves as abusive.
I hope you will be able to move on and heal from everything hes done.
I was blind to the abuse but God helped me see.
"I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me."
He gives us strength when we are weak.
I am not going to say I know what you're going through because I don't. But I am going to say that you are brave and strong, and you must continue to be that way for your son. That man so no man for treating you the way he did. And karma will get him for the things he has done. May God bless you and guide you and your son.
Anonymousgirl tells it like it is for there is a lesson to be learned from these experiences so its never repeated again in our lives or anyone elses life & one can then be capable of seeing the warning signs before hand.
Thanks so much for all your comments and support. It really means alot just knowing someone is out there listening. I'm struggling with thing right now, but I am a survivor. I'll find my way out of this mess, too! It's just finding the energy and desire to change your situation. It's really hard to do when you are all alone, in a sense. I really want to let my son know what's going on here at home, but he needs to focus on boot-camp. I've accepted the fact that because of mainly financial problems, my boyfriend and I aren't going to be able to stay together. My son will probably be happy to know this, and that we can share a place together when he's home. I just don't want him to worry about me, though. By his letters, he does anyway. Glad I have you all to spill my heart out to!
Thats my situation finances & am concerned at my age as to how many minimum wage jobs my body could stand up to cause my skills are out of date now & its difficult to go up against these computer wiz kids raised on all the different technology & my brain doesnt grasp all of it BUMMER.