so it has been about 5 years since I've gotten divorce and it is getting more and more comfortable for me. The big downfall for me is that I have no family up here. We moved to Chicago 2 or 3 years before the divorce. Prior to that we were in Southern Indiana where my ex had family. All my family is on the east coast. That is the hardest part for me. But, I'm coming to relying on my friends some more than others and some in different ways. For the most part, these people are my family! I think I am accepting and learning/ internalizing that I need to do what works for me and what works for me may not work for anyone else. I have my psychiatrist and my therapist and I go when I am told to go. This is my life line.
I can see though that whatever it is I am doing is keeping peace somewhere inside me. The hatred that I once had towards my ex-husband is not there anymore. I understand why he asked me not to come home after I tried to kill myself. Even though killing myself center around him and my frustrations around his needs for controlling everything all the time. When I asked to see him, in the hospital, after I woke up, despite the nurses insistent calling she would tell me 'he said he had to take care of his daughter'. Even then his holier than thou attitude, the don't bother me with your insolence, sickened me and I considered another attempt. Despite my tries God said no, I belong here raising our daughter. Thank you my Lord!
So when I have a day like today where I can sit next to him and smile for even 5 minutes, that is good!! Our daughter did a great job! She will get to do it again for the little preschoolers at the school tomorrow.