Weekend trip anxietyED thoughts

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

I have known about this upcoming weekend for months. My sister is graduating from college, and my whole family has been invited to the ceremony and the celebration. I know this will be a stressful weekend (traveling, being away from home, etc) but the biggest stress factor is that my father is invited to the ceremony also. It will be the first time in 3 years that we will see each other; the last time we spoke it was me telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore. Although I am super excited to go and be with my family, the thought of seeing my father is really not sitting well with me.

As prep for this weekend, I have taken certain steps to help eliminate stress. I found a dress (two, actually) and accessories in advance so I wouldn't have to freak out while packing wondering what to take or if it looks good together. I have also been writing in my journal and talking to trusted friends about how anxious I am to be in the same space as my father. I've been talking to one of my sisters about my fears, and that's helped a bit, too. I even got the restaurant menu ahead of time so that I am not so flustered to "just pick something" the night of the family dinner.

So, I've done all these things, I've taken all these steps to minimize potential anxiety, and yet, here we are, it's Tuesday night, I leave Thursday morning, and I'm freaking out. I have been having these horrible dreams where I'm screaming at my father, kicking him, punching him, crying hysterically as I physically attack him, and all along he's just standing there unmoved. I have had really strong ED thoughts, too, thoughts telling me to eat salad for dinner, to lose 5 more pounds by Friday so no one will see my pain, thoughts telling me that if I just go to bed hungry it will all be OK in the morning. I find a way to rationalize my way out of those thoughts, but they are SO LOUD, and very persuasive.

I remember a post on here not too long ago where one of the girls was leaving for a cruise, and we were coming up with an action plan for her to use during the trip. I'm going to be doing the same sort of thing, but I'm still freaking out. I'm not sure what has me more nervous-- leaving home and being away from my house and typical pre-travel-anxiety, or the family all being together and the awkwardness that will most likely be present.

Comments are most appreciated right now, I need someone to reinforce my positive voice and take away from EDs.

Thanks for reading,
-h

2

Heather, honey, I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed out right now... I would be in a state, too... :0/ Try to remind yourself that you are completely independent now. You do NOT need your father. You may still want him. You may still fear him. (I don't know; this is how I feel...) But you don't actually NEED him. Perhaps remembering this will help you maintain some separateness?

I was talking to my therapist yesterday about how I earned a Master's degree all in an effort to gain my family's approval, and I still felt like that attempt had failed. She asked why, and I explained that because I moved out on my own early and refused to accept their help, I had to work multiple jobs while going to school part-time, and it took me 8 years to finish my Bachelor's degree. I did so with honors, but it still never helped me feel like I'd "gotten over" being a "screw up". My therapist reminded me that it's all in how we look at it... I've been judging myself through my family's lenses all this time. To SOME people, my situation might appear quite different. That I worked my way through college, without help, and graduated with honors, then went on and earned a Master's degree! Yeah... Same facts. Different FEELING. ♥

Perhaps you can turn YOUR situation on its head, too! :) Think about how successful you ARE!!! How you've done all of this without help! You are STRONG! And CAPABLE! And no matter HOW your family (father) sees things, you no longer have to look through their (his) lens. You can look through your own. :)

Tough stuff, my friend... Hang in there. And we'll be here if you need to write. ♥

Also... Bring some walking shoes! It always helps me to be able to get out and pound the pavement for a while. ;0)

Love you!

Jen

3

Jen,

Thank you for your awesome words. I never realized it before, but I DO judge myself through my father's lens/perspective. HIS disapproval for me is how I assume everyone feels about me, and it's how I feel about myself no matter how well I'm doing. After reading what you said about putting yourself through grad school, I am thinking about my own life. I put myself through undergrad, I have a degree, I work full time, I am paying off all my own school loans, and I'm saving money each month, and yet I STILL feel like a failure because I did not use my degree to get the job I hold, and because I live with my mom instead of "own my own." In my mind, independent of other thoughts, I am doing ok, but as soon as I turn on the "father filter" I am a failure.

Understanding that I do this to myself will definitely help me change it. Awareness is first, right?

Thanks for helping reinforce my independence, reinforce my decision, and support my recovery. Walking shoes are packed!

H

4

YAY!!! Pretty awesome, I think! ♥ Hang on to this! Remember how strong you are!! :)

Have FUN!!

Love,

Jen

5

Heather....this is a tough situation, but I KNOW you will get through it in one piece! I echo Jen's advice exactly, and I love the perspective she presented. I also had to 'notice' that I had been living for, and seeing myself, based on the expectations of others all my life, and after 'noticing' this, I began to 'choose' to do things differently, and then 'act' upon it.
Take your 'toolbox' with you...which includes your walking shoes, and whatever other tools will keep you going!!
Notice-Choose-Act.....a motto that has helped me many times and will forever, I'm sure!
Take care, and try to have some FUN!! Love, Jan ♥

6

Jan, I really like that motto! I might put it on an index card and tape it to the inside of my suitcase or carry it around with me in my purse.

Thanks for the support!

7

No problem Heather....I will be thinking about you...Jan :)