Well, I have found this site because I am preparing to leave

Well, I have found this site because I am preparing to leave my narc fiance, and I know that I will need the support of those who understand what this is like. I have wonderful friends and family, who are all supportive of my decision, but I have been unable to explain to them how confusing it is, to feel compassion and love for someone who can be so loving and so cruel.

As a faithful codependent, I tried everything, changing my behavior and compromising my safety, boundaries and happiness, to try and mplease him. A year ago, with the help of a therapist, I began to understand that my deepening depression had a lot to do with a complete lack of emotional bundaries,. At first my narc was sympathetic and seemed to understand how important my need for emotional boundaries was. He'd been injured in an accident, and I had been his caretaker for two years. Heavily medicated and full of self-pity, he's only recently confessed that he doesn't actually understand boundaries, and thus feels entitled to argue with me every time I try to establish them.

From the beginning of the relationship, I knew something felt off balance. It never felt like there was room for me, and yet he could demand all of my attention and energy, consuming my emotional power until I felt hollow and helpless. At times it has seemed possible that he might change - he is incredibly intelligent - but I have sacrificed my health and happiness for too long, waiting for him to change something that can probably never be changed.

I live in a small town, I will be attempting no contact. I have not yet told him of my plans, and I am afraid of the mix of rage and affection that he will likely throw my way. Any suggestions for this stage of the process? Am I crazy to still have mixed feelings about this person? I know I am making the right choice, and I know it will be hard to see things to through.

Thank you for taking the time to read this....

3 Hearts

Well done. You are doing completely the right thing and you can do it. Step by step and day by day it will be easier. Ditch the mixed emotions if you can, you need to focus on the fact he has abused you, the fact that every action, even seemingly good, was fake. To have the strength to NC and ignore their tactics you have to be titanium with no fond memories and then as it gets easier and they back off then you can focus on healing and emotions. If that makes sense. That worked for me anyway I guess everyone is different I had to shut down my emotions to get through it. Which is handy as I had plenty of training in shutting emotions off.

1 Heart

If you have facebook I recommend you follow this young woman https://www.facebook.com/MyEmotionalVampire/?fref=nf I have and it makes me feel so much better. You will get great support there and it's more instant than this site. Sometimes we need instant support. Take care xx

1 Heart

@SashaT61 thank you, I will check her out. I know that I will have days when I need an instant boost.

Thank you @19yearsnowfree, you confirm my suspicions about how risky these mixed emotions are. They are probably a big factor in why I have stayed so long in such an abusive situation. I need to start assembling my emotional armor - I think in some ways I have begun that process (this past week he has accused me of being distant, which is true, I am engaging less and less with his emotional power grabs). The hard work continues...

@phoenix1479 you can do it Hun xxx

And so it begins, he has now texted to accuse me of imagining the aggressive behavior that drove me away a couple weeks ago. I am certain he has a serious prescription drug problem and I am anxious to start no contact, but I need to finish moving out. I will be trying to do that later this week, I may need to bring friends or the sheriff as witnesses. He is so volatile! 3am this morning he sent messages of love, now it is all anger. I have been steadfast, civil and not engaging in the negativity. But I can see now, no contact will be the only way free of his madness. I need to start asap.

When I left best thing I did was put physical space between us. I didn't tell him of my plan until I was at my mother's house surrounded by friends and family. I have refused to see him in person since May. We have kids so he tries to show up where I am, I take the kids and walk away. I just stopped interacting with him. Like he is a stranger. But the physical space really helped

2 Hearts

@Yodafan thank you so much, these resources come at the best possible time.