Well.... official move out weekend, and me being extra crazy due to "girl time" may have just done us in. When ever I get up set, he is always the one to say, so are you done? Makes me feel like he is just waiting for me to say it so he can be free and the marriage ending be because I couldn't handle it. So I didn't put up a fight at all. I don't have the energy or motivation. If he leaves me, I just have to get over the 21 year relationship. If I dint care to ever be married again, I don't have to care how to be married, just to get cheated on again. Not worth the pain and blow to the self esteem. And if I can barely stay focused on normal things in life, How am I going to change me to be a better wife? I miss normal stresses of life so much. You know, bills, kids behaving, not wondering if our marriage would ever made it, wonder what I could have done and why I didn't do it to keep it from going to sh!t to start with. Well, can't worry about that now, more cleaning and painting, and moving out. Ha, the last night in our home for 8 years, leaving it life this. Never would have thought that walking in here, with my belly full of baby so excited about our first home together. If I could just be ok, convince myself it isn't a big deal he had affairs. . . I could have my life back. But instead I am still angry about it off and on pushing him away. Pushing happy jenn away. I am such a whiner.
UPDATE:
Ok, so my husband yet again was the better person. He pretty much just rolled with my meltdown after our argument. He only reminded me to be more careful to not say so many things when the kids could hear us. So he was 100% right about that. Suggested a place to eat that we always wanted to try while we lived at our old house, and it was really good, and then we just relaxed before the final day of cleaning and getting out of our old house. Then the next day was much better. Why and the world was he not like this before?????????? Where in the world did this new man come from?
don't torture yourself, I know it must be so awful for you and you must feel so weak, I can relate. Even though I've moved on I find it hard to get out bed sometimes, it's one step at a time and learning connect with yourself in a spiritual way. I'm not a church going person but I would recommend you find yourself amongst some good ol fashion christians when you're ready. Listen to a little gospel music in the mornings helps. Let go and let God...
@adrian35 you know for the first time during this whole time i feel mad at God. I finally felt really happy with myself and about how my life was going, and them crash, just like that it is gone. Hopefully I will get post that, because even when I tried to talk to him like I normally do, I just couldn’t. I felt to angry and don’t even knew what to pray for. I knew things could be so much worse. But if I feel like this I just see what my point is. I am either misrible to be around or fake. I just want to be me. And feel ok with being me and my life.
Maybe. I don't see him tolerating me. He hated when I was crazy before all this, so I dried it up and didn't vent to him about life. Now if I vent or have a blown up or talk about it. ..I am living in the past...not trying. ...going backwards. ... sorry just can't help to think that this time last year I was happy and looking forward to summer with my kids. (Accepted he didn't want to go on any of the camping trips, not even the big family one with my whole family and there SO),but I was learning to be ok with him not wanting to do that stuff. And he was excited because he was about to meet his online girls in person. This year we don't even know if or marriage will last, moving our of our home, blah. I know I am being negative, but seeing all the new things in the area where he girl friend lives didn't give me butterflies.
@Jenn7814 so envious I want to be on that stage already. I’ve already packed all my winter stuff Nd will be packing my kids winter stuff…but haven’t even done anything ro start the selling process. Also ur not the only one always angry. I am angry just being in the same house same room even same state…I’m also a super whiner
I am sorry it has come to that! I really wish you the very best Jenn I know what you are feeling because I am feeling it too. I just can't shake it this stress and pain i am feeling is just too much to bear. I wish you the best xoxo hug
You seem like a very nice person to me, just going through a very difficult emotional time. I felt the same way toward God at one time, but I had to take a step back and realize there were better things coming for example. Before I met my ex I was going to start my own kids television network and do animation but after she came into my life with her 2 daughters I prayed and ended up getting a job at a network and really stepped up to the plate. Paid her rent all her kids school fees and helped her out financially as best as I could. She left me for a retired 55 year old man who had a house and some cars because that was what she was about, easy pickings wait actually no, I was the one that left her. Well now that she's gone I get to reconnect with that ambitious person I once was and pick up where i left off. What is amazing about how God works is that I took a vacation on the beach and met some really amazing people and now some of them are looking to invest in my ideas so with that I feel on the right path and blessed. Keep your head up and try to reconnect with yourself and be around spiritual people for healing. It really works try to think of every little step as a success.
@adrian35 the smart me knows I went feel like this long term,it just doesn’t feel good to feel this angry. My talks usually help me, but recently I am sharing to feel me lost. Like I am losing the power struggle with staying strong and positive to the weak and angry. These harsh feelings anger, jealousy, resentment, ate really hard feeling to battle. They wear me down much faster than the sad or frustrated with life feelings. I can blame life on life, but when I feel angry about something a person had done, I feel like it is harder to roll with it and move on. I guess because it involves the idea of betrayal and hurt, and sometimes people try to forgive and just get hurt again. So it is scary to tell your brain and heart to not act out in ways that keep you safe emotionally, such as showing anger when you really just feel hurt.
mine didn't leave, I left her and that's the honest truth. It would have been more painful for me to stay and try to change her when it was way easier for me to leave and change myself. I know how difficult it must be for you to gain a sense of perspective at this point. Believe anger was my fuel for the first week and I said and did some things that I regret now even though there's still bitterness toward her inside my mind, but I've given myself a date as to when I'll be over it completely and I have been working around to clock because the opportunities that presented itself to me are far too precious than a temporary broken heart. My mind sees that and it is purging itself of all the residual negative emotions. This is what it will be like for you the moment you take that leap of faith.
@adrian35 the way he changed asap is the only reason I can try. Some of his positive changes have be shocking. Never in a million years though he would do some of the things he has done. I just wish I could get better faster.
I am beering now! And feeling a little better. One more day then officially moved out. Only have to focus on unpacking. And I think I will sleep for one day straight before I start that!
@Jenn7814 today will be my first night in my new apartment. Going to unpack few boxes then watch a movie on my laptop. Will be getting cable tomorrow. I’m at wok now and very nervous about tonight. It will be a tough one. Good luck to you.
We are very similar. I wish I didn't care my husband had affairs. I am very bitter and angry. The anger and bitterness make it hard to remember how we ever loved each other in the first place. Plus, I live in a small town, and my only friends are married with families of their own, so it's not like I can bombard their lives for support. It's a lonely existence. :(
I have the whole summer off with my kids and NO plans. Ugh.
@nettie.h Last year my summer was packed with fun things with my kids, when September came, I was thinking WOW what an awesome summer! Then November I found out my husband had girl friend during that time… Makes it hard the think about that great summer… now… and this summer, we have no plans except unpacking and me getting a job, and getting ready for starting things in the fall Some of it is exciting and all, but not like mini vacations many weekends out of the summer. I don’t talk to anyone about this. I feel like they wouldn’t really understand, and I don’t want to bother them with my problem. So very thankful for the people here!
@Consumed39 It is going. He was patient with me after my meltdown and our argument, and I felt much better by the end of the night. I am just not handling stress, and emotional stuff well at all these days! We are in the new place now, and I have a few rooms in order, so that makes be feel better. I also got 2 interviews set up for next week, so that is a positive distraction from all this moving business. Thank you for asking!
I wish you could read my early posts that go back about 4 years ago right here. You could hear and feel the crazy anxiety, fear, and heartache of facing divorce after nearly 30 years of a cheating husband. Thought I would crack and die until I got half way through the whole process. Now that I'm on the other side, I never knew life could be this good and happy. I walked through the fire of divorce and my only regret is that I wished I had done it much sooner. You too will get there too but it's a tough road to get to glory.
@Ariel7890 He gets frustrated at me for not talking to him, but the old him I couldn’t talk to, it would lead to an arguing, me feeling needy, b!tchy, a nag or just a plain old crappy wife. So it is hard to suddenly trust that if i go to him, it won’t lead to something else that makes things worse. I have never had someone I felt safe enough to talk to about stuff, especially when I feel vulnerable or hurt, so this is different not keeping things to myself and dealing with them alone. And it is a hard coping habit to break.
Some of it is exciting and all, but not like mini vacations many weekends out of the summer. I don’t talk to anyone about this. I feel like they wouldn’t really understand, and I don’t want to bother them with my problem. So very thankful for the people here!