"Well your kind of love costs.... i hope loving you doesn't

"Well your kind of love costs.... i hope loving you doesn't cost him his life" ~ General Hospital Sam Mcall/Morgan (Kelly Monaco)
I love this line. I know it is just a soap opera but living with depression and anxiety kind of makes me feel like i am living one sometimes.
when i first heard that line i thought it was very clever, but now i realized how it relates to me.
Love may be free but it is costing me my freedom.
My parents and siblings love me- it took a long time for me to learn that, but as the first part of the quote "your kind of love costs" definitely applies here. Finding/getting help- for anything whether physical, mental/emotional is a struggle on its own. Finding someone to trust in, finding someone to listen and not judge, finding someone who will believe you and help guide you to the right place/path until you are ready to move on your own and so much more. But when there is someone loving you- not wanting you to be hurt or in any sort of pain- and you know even attempting to take that step will destroy the way they feel about you, think about you, look at you, talk to you etc., than taking that step can "cost you your life"
unfortunately i am there. i told a secret around 4 years ago and ever since then nothing has been the same. i went to therapy for a bit but was mocked every day for it. took medicine but was yelled at for it. I know it was out of fear, ignorance, uncertainty. i know the love they felt was so strong they didnt want it to change- me telling them things was me changing that image they had of me and that kind of change they couldn't and still cant handle.
now i am paying a price for something i cant help.
I have a high tolerance for physical pain so when i do feel it i know there is something going on. when i feel it to the point that i am curling on the floor- definitely a bad thing. when the people who love you dont believe it but tell you to go to a doctor and you go and the doctor doesnt believe you- then the family says you must be fine, i know it is because they dont want to see something is wrong.
(unfortunately many doctors cant see passed my scars so they think the pain is from depression)

I dont really have time to finish up what i want to say, but this part i know. loving me is costing both of us pain. Pain for me feeling alone and hurt and pain for them worrying and having an image crumble. I know i didnt ask for their love, but regardless i received it. I am just concerned that they havent noticed "their love might be costing me my life" in more ways than one.
thanks for reading- Sam

2 Hearts

Sam, what a beautiful post. I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. I know what it is to be curled up on the floor from it. It can be crippling, whether physical or emotional. And yes, soap operas can have the best lines! I haven't watched them in years, but I remember. My faves were DOOL, Guiding Light and Another World. I hope things improve for you!

1 Heart

@AndiAqua i doubt they will, but thank you

I understand how you feel. Sometimes it hurts to love certain people. I love my mom, but it takes a lot out of me to be around her and live with her when I am back from school on breaks. Sometimes I think that it would be better to cut her out of my life (and I know that sounds terrible), but I know that would hurt her in the short term at least. And GH is my favorite soap and Jasam is my favorite couple. I have been watching it everyday for years online since I am in college. I occasionally watch DOOL and Y&R for a certain couple. I like soaps mainly because they are entertaining and it makes me realize that my life is not as bad as these characters on TV lol!

1 Heart

@Animallovergirl i wish cutting people out of my life would help but reality is i am part of the problem it isnt only them so i would still have to deal with me even after cutting them out.
Jasam is defnitely my favorite as well- ive been watching them since i was 14 and ive been loving them since. granted steve burton was my best jason morgan, but kelly monaco is fantastic at playing Sam.
I also watch online- youtube- i dont have a TV so that is the only way.
I like how they connect and keep eachother “sane” it makes me believe there may be home for me someday and maybe a guy out there who will except me for all that i am scars and insanity included…
I know they show kidnappings and rapes, shootings and stabbings and a lot of death- normally people would see that and acknowledge that their own life is not as dramatic and chaotic as the show, but for me and my family there has been kidnappings, sexual abuse, physical abuse, illness, death and even more drama to go with it. So i guess i relate and enjoy it in that way.