Well

I ate a little breakfast, purged lunch and ate a really small dinner. Now I am sitting in my office at home starving and just a few minutes ago I started shaking violently.

I haven't been engaging in my ED again but only for a week or so but my body seems to be shutting down already.

I couldn't get out of bed today either. I woke up at 8, went back to bed at 10, woke back up at 1:30 and went back to sleep at 2:30 and woke up at 4 to go to work.

I would be fine if I weren't shaking...what the hell is wrong with me?

hi abrum...

i know the feeling all too well BUT the difference is that i have been engaging (for the most part) with my ED forever. the fact that you haven't been engaging in it IS a GOOD thing to show PROOF that you are able to do it again!!

try to be strong and be nice to yourself. often i get so upset with myself over this disease that its COUNTERPRODUCTIVE...

as far as the shaking PLEASE get some ELECTROLITES and POTASSIUM - gatoraid and a banana!!

xoxo,

caroline

caroline, great advice re the electrolytes.

Ashley, you really need to look into why ED is hitting back so hard right now. ou need to find a way of taking back control. a few questions:

what would motivate you?
what was you main motivation in the past?
what makes you feel good? what do you enjoy doing?
what would you want to tell ED right this moment?
can you try focus on the next 5 mintues only, rather than the full hour or day?

i really want you to find your way back to the Ashley from the older posts. there is way too much ED talking right now and i hate that *******!
i know you can fight this Ashley!

lots of love
maedi

wow maedi - you really ARE good (I read this and your response to my earlier post) -- r u SURE you aren't a therapist?

can i ask you what stage you are in with your recovery -- we may need to pool our $$ and just use online therapy from you. lol.

take care,
caroline

man, i thought this here was supportgroups.com. it feels more like makemelaugh.com!!
no seriously, you ladies (and man if there is any posting) are fantastic and i wish you could all see what amazing spirit and strength you have deep down there. you seem to have absolutely no problem whatsoever to use it for others!
damn, start applying it to yourselves (OMG, here i’m talking, i can only imagine who will post back to this, lol).

but hey, thanks again caroline. i simply love helping people wherever i can and this site is the perfect platform with the perfect audience.

hmmm, my recovery. tbh, pretty much non-existent i feel. all i’m currently trying is to not b/p at least during the day. and i’m forcing myself to go utside more often (anxiety). other than that not much action really. i fell i’m being lazy and hoping for my mind to turn a bit if i get IP.

lots of love
maedi

maedi,

Sounds familiar... What I've tried in the past is to at least limit the # of times I b/p and start from there... So if you are focusing on the evening -- at least its an improvement from what you've BEEN doing as far as b/p. I often b/p in the evening as well b/c the kids are sleep.. but if they are in school or i am by myself on the weekends there is NO TELLING....

you're right - we are all good about motivating others -- why can't we just speak to ourselves in the mirror. lol.

best of luck on your IP progress and please keep us posted.

xoxo
caroline

thanks ladies!

I have had my ED since I was 7 (so young I know) so that means I have had it 15 years. Last November I went into inpatient in Virginia and stayed for 52 days. Then relapsed a week after I got out and my dietitian and therapist at the time decided to send me back and I left in June and stayed 90 days this go around. I just got back September 11.

as for the questions:
what would motivate you? nothing is motivating me in the right direction right now...my biggest motivation is weight loss and that is motivation FOR my ED not against it

what was you main motivation in the past? My marriage and the potential of becoming a mom has motivated me in the past.

what makes you feel good? what do you enjoy doing? I love walking/running in the park. But I have to be careful how much I exercise and I am not supposed to be running for another 4 months.

what would you want to tell ED right this moment? I have nothing to tell ED right now honestly...

it almost sounds like I want ED back in my life and I don't want to give it up---but I know I am coming here for a reason and i keep going to my nutritionist for a reason too. So, maybe I want to fight but at the same time I don't.

this confusion is dreadful, isn't it? these constant battle in your own head between you and ED, between what you want or what you think you want or what someone else wants... a nightmare. exactly where i'm right now too, ashley, and i know how exhausting and frustrating it is. especially after you have just gone through such intense therapy.
but that's another thing with ED, it doesn't just give up cause you were really focused on recovery, nope. it will fight as hard as it can with all possible means to get you back. so let me ask you again (sorry if i'm being pushy):

are your marriage and having kids are not at leats some motivation? the joy of being able to go out for a walk (or a run once you're recovered)? to be able to yell back at ED and hit it for the years, even the childhood it has taken from you? to be able to regain power and finally be allowed to decide for yourself?

why don't you make a list (i love lists, it's my downfall, lol) about all the things you now have in life and all the thing you want now or in the future. read through them over and over, soak them up, and then think about ways and means to get them. basically, focus on something positive, on something other than what ED tells you.

WIN YOUR LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
and we'll help you all the way!
xx

Ashley,
I think the reason your body is reacting with such severe 'pain' is because it has never fully healed. It takes quite a while for a person's body and brain to heal. That is why the first year of true recovery is the most vulnerable time for most people.
The longer a person's body is deprived or starved, the longer it takes to heal. Your body is likely still not healed, so even just a few days, etc., of the ED, so to speak, is causing it to react strongly.
May I ask, why are you no longer motivated by your marriage or you desire to have a family? Your writing indicates a lot of depression, which could be a result of the ED, or it could be an issue that medication could address. Are you currently taking any medication?
Also, what does weight loss mean to you? Is it safety? If so, from what, and how can you challenge that?
What does it mean? Because the reality is, weight loss could honestly kill you. Please keep reaching out and challenging the ED!! Take care...Jan ♥

I want to make lists of different things to look forward to but I have no motivation to. Right now as much as I hate my ED I want it cause I know it makes me lose weight. I know that sounds twisted and dreadful but I am just being honest. I don't really know how to get out of the slump either.

make the list anyway (it’s ED that doesn’t want it on paper!!!). it won’t stop you from losing weight. but just write it all down and see what happens…

Jan,

I don't really know why my marriage and the possibility of having children no longer motivate me. I don't even know what weight loss means to me. I know I just feel overweight and that feeling is horrible.

The past few months my body has been really sensitive to any ED behaviors so I shouldn't be too surprised now that my body is acting out.

I just don't know what is going on with me.

I am not taking medication anymore, and I am not seeing a therapist anymore. Right now I honestly can't afford either. This is all so awful and I feel bad cause I don't even know if I want to let ED go just yet. A few more pounds and maybe I will...but deep down I know it doesn't work that way

that’s the rut we’re all stuck in and i think you’re speaking for a lot of us (i’m defo one of em!).
it’s good that at least you KNOW that it won’t work. keep it in mind.
you will find your focus again, it seems that you have to work a lot harder for it right now, especially with not having the external support but try forcing yourself to think of the good ED-free(ish) times… things like maybe enjoying a meal with your hubby. being in the park for a nice walk. cradling a baby that looks like you and your man.

sit tight, sweety!!!

I wish recovery for you both, Ashley and Maedi <3