Went to a codependency group meeting at local clinic tonight

Went to a codependency group meeting at local clinic tonight. Sad to hear some of the stories some people endure, all linked to childhood. I still have a hard time linking my issues to childhood because of being so wrapped up/consumed by my issues with romantic relationships with narcs in adulthood.

“Codependence is the pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded in childhood and leads to a high probability of relationship problems and addictive/compulsive behavior. It is a combination of immature thinking, feeling and behaving that generates an aversive relationship with the self (self-loathing), which the codependent individual acts out through self- destructive or unduly self-sacrificial behavior.”

The term codependence can be a confusing concept. Trying to figure out what it means can be difficult. Is it just a buzz word, a fad? Is it the invention of pop psychologists or a convenient marketing tool for the mental health industry?

The confusion can be complicated by the fact that experts may have different definitions. Some say codependence is preoccupation with other people and their problems, in an attempt to get one’s own unmet emotional needs satisfied. Others suggest that it was a pattern of painful dependence on others and on approval, to find meaning, identity, and value. Another might describe codependence as a disease of relationships in which the real problem is relationship with self!

I'm struggling after the break up of a three year relationship, which a man who despite all my efforts and love and kindness towards him and his boys, he couldn't commit to me in any way. I realised I was codependent about two years ago, I was extremely open to discussing it with him. I honestly thought he understood. I am left heart broken, I have a ten year old daughter also. Cut all contact despite my desperate attempt to have him in my life as friends or ? I am waiting to talk with a professional but I just miss him so much

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@missingyou123 … I feel for you. I’m very confused at this point, so I’m more caught up in that right now than the missing part. But I can relate from past experiences. Hang in there.

Thank you brendan23. Hoping as each day passes I can become alot stronger but right now , it seems a life time away. I'm trying to find my anger but all I can find is the hurt . Hope the codependency meeting helped?

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@missingyou123 I so feel where you are. I also just came out of a 2.5 year relationship where he was just never committing as much as he said he wished. I also have a hard time finding my anger, even though he cheated on me I still feel like I am to blame and it is all my fault that everything fell apart. Sometimes the hurt just really takes over me.. wanting to get him back in some way in my life..
I think it is best to really feel the pain first, it's oke. You went through a very painful experience, take some time with it. Feel the hurt, disappointment, abandonment and take some time with it, some time to get back to yourself. Then think about what you really want with him from now on
It also helps me to think that rejection/abandonment can only get deep to you when you abandon your story of events and stand by his side, rejecting and abandoning yourself. That's when I get helpless and loose feeling angry. The fact he could not commit to you, is that not a boundary violation on your side? Maybe it can help you a bit with finding your anger

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Silent skies, thank you for your comment. Makes sense to be angry about the three years I put everything into the relationship and still he continued to drag it out knowing fine well he was judging me and knowing in himself he wasn't ever going to commit to me. I want to find that anger, I don't want to hang onto the what it might or could have been. I just wish he'd see it and feel it also. I have tried to contact him, showed up at his home numerous times in hope he'd see it from my point of view, I also know in my heart he's not going to. He always said our friendship meant a lot to him, but where is he. When I need him the most?

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I so feel you missingyou123, it's really hard and dark down here. He also wanted to be friends a few months ago. Then we were always somewhere between friends/more than friends. I was always there for him, cheering him up, supporting him, listening to him when he was feeling down.. Then I hear he has a girlfriend, and he just sends me a text that he never wants to see me again or else he'll sue me. Not another word since, whatever I try.. That kind of 'friend' just uses you I guess, when you have to work through something; they're out. It really knocked me down..
I think I just blinded myself for the fact he started to care less by showing him more care. And now I feel like he 'owns' me, though he really does not. He is free. But I do feel quite used, abandonded and kind off worthless.. at least in his eyes.
In the end his point of view does not have to be ultimate thruth, though it sure feels like that sometimes.
Sending you lots of love <3