Hello,
I walked 9.5 miles on Tuesday, the longest Ive walked in a long time in one day.
Im trying to only eat vegetables mostly for 3 days until my brother turns 21. He lives out of the state of Washington and Ive not seen him in over 2 years. I want him to be proud of me for looking smaller. Ive always been the "fat, obese" girl in my family. My brother has always been the small one by genes or something. I feel jealous of him. He can eat whatever he wants and doesnt gain weight. He can not eat for days at a time and loses weight so fast.
I was off the pain meds for over 2 days. Then, last night, I started them again. I didnt sleep while I was off of them. I had extreme insomnia and I needed sleep. My mind and body cant function without sleep.
Its like now, I cant stop again. The withdrawals were so bad that I had to make them stop. But Ive been taking anti-psychotics in large amounts and now, my arm and leg is stiff. It really hurts to move or bend it. Ive got to slow down on those anti-psychotics. I already take one as prescribed and then the other large ammounts of Geodon, Haldol, Risperdal, Invega and Moban makes the effects stronger.
Childrens didnt admit me in the psych. unit because Im 18. In any other unit, they would admit me, but the ER doc from Tuesday night, believed I needed the psych. unit to get off these pain meds. Im at home and trying to survive.
Im going to an ED clinic for anywhere from 30-90 days this summer. I would go now but, Im in school. And this one is in Downtown Edmonds, WA state and thats close to my moms work. But they dont accept my insurance so, my mom has to pay out of her own pocket. It will be hard to be watched with my weight. Im just not used to it. I will be forced to eat a certain ammount of calories at each meal, I wont be able to watch my weight and I wont be able to exercise as much as I have been.
The bulimia has been really bad. Ive been only eating a lot of salads without dressing but with sunflower seeds on it, very little ammount. I drink 0 calorie drinks with vitamins in them. I sometimes eat my coconut yogurt because it helps me sleep. I drink a lot of water. My mom wants me to eat protein but, Im refusing to eat anything but salads, and raw veggies until I see my brother.
My mom are driving to see him in the morning on Monday. He lives 6 hours South of Seattle. We are going to take him out to eat for brunch. Then, we will drive back(my mom and me) and be back in Seattle by 7 or 8pm. Maybe later if we spend a lot of time with my brother and his fiance.
The hard thing about it all is that I cant restrict while at a restaurant. I know I will eat a lot and then, will want to purge. My brother knows I battle anorexia and bulimia everyday. I dont think he will mind if I dont eat a lot but, I know my mom will be mad if I dont eat a normal portion. We are going to Red Lobster and that is one of my "bad food" places.
Im going to Seattle Childrens outpatient ED support group on Sunday evening. That group helps me get my anger and pain out. Thats one good thing happening this week.
Ive been struggling with the grief of my friends that committed suicide when I was 12 and 15. The girl I lost when I was at a hospital in Spokane had anorexia and killed herself because her family was going the day she died to court to make her eat. She couldnt do it. And to tell you the truth, if my mom ever did that to me I dont know what would happen.
The 2nd friend I lost when I was in a residential "treatment" center in Seattle committed suicide because she had FAS and schizophrenia. Noone wanted to help her. The staff made our lives hell. My friend couldnt handle the emotional pain anymore.
Not much else. But, Ive been spending time to myself praying for guidance and meditating. Those things help. I would say school helps too and it does when Im not on medicines like those pain meds and the other ones that make me brainless.
Write back if you would like....