So, I recently left my husband in March of this year after the last straw had been taken. For years I've endured mental, emotional and at times physical abuse. Before we got married he locked me in a bathroom with him and plugged in the hair dryer and started to fill the bathtub up so I could watch him kill himself. That was one of his first many "threats" to take himself out of this world, it eventually went as far as pulling knives on himself and I finally told him to do it because the only person he would be hurting was himself and it was selfish. He would always say "at least you will get my life insurance policy", I told him that suicide isn't payable by insurance companies and that was the last time he did it. Through our marriage all we did was fight about stupid things and he would never bend or let me be right, even if I had proof that the sky was blue he would find another reason to claim that it's actually green. After we got married we moved immediately and were in one state for a few years and then went to another state a couple years later. The yelling from him would get so bad that I lost hearing in my ear the last time he yelled at me because he was within close range of me when he was telling me off...once again. He didn't care who he yelled at me in front of and was proud of that fact.
So we knew that our marriage was going downhill fast when we moved back to our familiar stomping grounds and at first we tried to ignore it, but it became painfully clear that neither of us was happy. He wasn't getting what he wanted sexually because I couldn't connect to him on that level because if you yell at me one minute and the next you're expecting sex from me, how can I (as a woman) rationalize that in my mind. Sex has always been an issue because I never wanted to be close to him in that respect, but had no issues cheating on him. I admit that I cheated through our entire marriage because (not that it's a legit excuse) it's always been the same in our marriage. Yelling, cursing, fighting.. you name it, it probably happened. So now that we moved back home and I had family and a couple of friends to support me, I called him on the phone and said we needed to separate and try counseling. To him that translated into "you need to pack your stuff and leave"...which he did. He said there was no point in counseling and no point of being married if we are going to be separated, even if it was to better or try to fix us.
Here I am, a few months later and struggling to get my mind right. I feel like I want to cry all the time because between us we have three kids and all three live with me and he has alternating weekends and Tuesdays for three hours. I had a job but did a dumb thing and quit because the managers were always yelling at the workers, each other or complaining because something wasn't going right. They would get onto me for something I was told to do in front of other workers. So thinking I could find another job somewhere I stopped where I was. Everything has happened so fast since we separated and I don't know where to begin to even process my thoughts or feel mad, hurt, angry, or even cry over the demise of what my life was suppose to be. I'm on food stamps to feed my kids, but figuring out how to pay bills with no job and no one hiring me (I've put in countless applications), I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal or cope with what feels like a death to me. I never wanted to be divorced at almost 30 with three kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and will do anything for them, I just didn't want to be single and doing it alone. My friend tells me it's the best decision I've ever made, but sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed with him so I wouldn't struggle this hard.
Any emotion that is available to the human soul, I am sure that I've felt it and may have even invented some new ones. How does someone move on in life after leaving everything you've been used to for ten years? I won't lie, I'm seeing someone right now and he's good for me and probably my best match, but it's so hard to trust him that I'd rather destroy the relationship on purpose ( by putting up walls or pushing him out before he has a chance to hurt me) than risk being hurt again. It's probably too early for a relationship, but it just sort of happened and I have no idea how it got to where it is now this fast. I didn't plan for it to happen, I didn't think I would connect on this level with anyone, especially the new guy, so why would I have my guard up. And now I've let it down and I'm feeling stupid for doing so. I know this is long, and I apologize.. It could be longer but I can't get my thoughts in order for someone, or anyone, to offer advice, support or whatever. Thanks for listening (reading).. even though I don't know if I'll get a response, typing it up makes it more of a reality to me than this nightmare I feel I've been stuck in since March 27.