What could have been

I'm at a place in my life where a lot of my friends are now having babies. There's nothing in life I want more than to raise children and live happily ever after with the love of my life. Don't we all want that, well most of us? I know now is not the time for me, but considering I've been around so many little newborns lately, it's brought me to a weird place I wish I wasn't.

For the longest time, I was "pro choice" and very supportive of a woman's right to choose. To this day, I still respect any decision a woman makes in regards to her body, but I must say having been pregnant a few times really got me thinking...

About 4 years ago, I was dating a guy. Things didn't work out so well and we went our separate ways. Low and behold I find out I'm pregnant. I was torn whether I should tell him or not. Do guys even want to know? Especially if you are no longer with them? Do they find it as a needy excuse for attention or do they actually care? All those thoughts crossed my mind because I am a very independent person and I decided to deal with it on my own. I wasn't sure what to do. I was with my girlfriend staring at my 5 positive EPT sticks and just cried. Since she didn't know how to handle this, I called my sister. As disappointed as she was in me, she understood and helped me schedule a doctors appointment for an abortion. I had no doubt in my mind, at the time whether I'd keep the baby or not. When my sister called me back and said the doctor couldn't see me for another 3 week, that's when it hit me. I was PREGNANT. I walked around knowing I had a living being growing inside me and as if that wasn't bad enough, I knew I had to have this feeling for another 3 weeks? I felt guilty doing just about everything, especially smoking cigarettes. A part of me was like, who cares? Then the other part of me was imagining the day the baby would be born, what it would look like, whether it would be a boy or a girl. It really started messing with my head. All of those thoughts kept running through my mind even though I had no intention of having the baby. There was no way I was going to be a single mom.

So there I was going day to day preggers and disappointed about it. But then I found myself rubbing my belly and noticing all of the changes in my body, they were slight changes but I was aware of all of them. I couldn't share these feelings with anyone but my girlfriend I found out with and that made me sad. What was the point? I was going to abort it anyhow so I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy it. I don't even know if I'm making sense but my mind was going back and forth like a crazy person. Anyway, one day I had horrible cramps and I started bleeding. Clearly something was wrong. Called my obgyn and ran in to see him immediately. He and some ultra sound doctor were figuring out where the fetus was because I was having a miscarriage. I guess they couldn't locate the fetus so they were worried it may have been stuck in my fallopian tube somewhere. I wasn't sure if I was happier to miscarry than to go through the process of an actual abortion (clearly both suck) but I was happy to have my gyno through this process. If I were to abort, he would send me somewhere else (no judgment, as he says). Basically they figured out the fetus was stuck and I needed medication to force a full miscarriage. I could deal with the pain but the psychological factors made the process really difficult to cope with. For a long time, I was uneasy about sex because I got pregnant while on birth control but my doctor did remind me it's only 99.9% effective! Anyway, could have been a lot worse but I wonder if anyone has been through this type of experience? My issues about this topic go on and on but I'll stop here. I'm being rude with how long this is. Thanks to whoever is reading.

xoxo, July

July you did an excellant job of explaining what all us mothers or dont want to be mothers do in certain situations & go thru emotionally. I raised my son by myself for the first 7yrs. of his life ( I also had 3 abortions in my lifetime) so I understand how your feeling & we're all here for you & you are never being rude for being honest to yourself, please keep writing.


hi july, i'm sorrie for your loss. i had a miscarriage last october and i know how much it sucks. abortion never entered my head as this was to be my third child. (i am very pro choice) the due date was mothers day so that was a stinger. i hope your time comes when you're ready for it. good luck to you, try to keep that chin up. things do get better. ;)

had to add: its not rude to write and get things off your chest. its a healthy thing to do. take care

Thanks atomic. I had so much to say but I cut it short because it really would have dragged on and on. And seeing as how I’m the first to post in this group, I didn’t want the topic to be too heavy…

I appreciate your support!


u write as much as u feel the need to, i much prefer longer posts that explain everything it helps with the overall picture.

and im sorry for the way u feel at the moment and i agree to be surrounded by little ones is painfull, its bound to evoke all the "what ifs" and "maybs"

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Just wanted to add I did not have abortions by choice only due to circumstances, that IS why I raised my first son alone, just clearing the air......hummmmmmm

April, thanks for your support. My mother raised me and my sister alone. I truly admire single mothers. It couldn’t have been easy for you. I too have had 2 abortions, both being very strange and complicated situations. It takes a lot of courage to raise children and I’m sure you are a wonderful mother!

Talk soon,

hi guys, i thought i should throw in i kicked around the idea of an abortion with my first child because i had been taking my meds while not knowing i was pregnant. thankfully everything turned out alright, i guess i just wanted to say abortion usually has a painful reason behind it and theres nothing wrong about it. everything happens for some wierd cosmic reason.

p.s. this support group(i'm new to this) is bringing me comfort so i gotta thank all you guys. take care 8)

glad the group is helping atomic honkey :D

although i personally havent had an abortion still birth and i are old friends and im convinced it was so we would reach out to help those children who didnt have a home, so yes atomic i agree its a weird cosmic reason.

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Great talk everybody, keep it going & there isnt a day goes by that I dont think of my babies, its forever thats forsure & cherish what I DO have.