What did I do wrong? Why am I so fat? So ugly? Such a let down? A disappointment to everyone in my life? I can't do anything right!! I'm so worthless!!
Hi Lace, why are you feeling this way, what happened? I am here to help you through this. Please know that you are a beautiful and amazing person. Let's work through this, I am here for you.
Hi puppy,
Feeling really down. Hit an all time low. Feel like all I ever do is let people down. A good friend of mine who has done so much for me has become quite ill, the illness has come about due to stress. I feel like it is my fault. I shouldn't have told her all of my problems. If I didn't maybe she wouldn't be ill now!! I can't do anything to make her better. She's been told to rest. I am now running around doing errunds, trying to make up for my selfishness!! I am useless. I can't do anything well enough.
Am feeling rubbish about myself in general. I don't feel comfortable in me. I can't look in the mirror. I hate what stares back at me, it's awful. I don't want to go out, don't want people to see me. I cover up as much as I can, so as no-one can see me.
I'm still struggling to eat after being ill. I'm not sleeping well, which I think is down to waiting for exam results. It's causing high anxiety issues. I feel sick everytime I get an email in case it is the one, but it's not. I feel like I am constantly on edge.
I'm so sorry to moan puppy. I hate feeling this way. I wish I could be a different person. A nicer person. A happier person. Someone that people liked!!
Lace, I absolutely adore you and think that you're amazing. You're having a down moment, which so many of us do, as we're human after all. You've been through so much and need to give yourself a break. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
You didn't make your friend ill, please don't think that way. You are being a wonderful friend to her. Continue being there for her and give her lots of love.
What can we do to get you to a good place. We need to turn your energy around. Something that always helps me is listing all of the good in my life, things that I am grateful for, and then what I wish for. Also, what's one thing that you can do today to put a smile on your face?
I am here for you.
Thanks puppy, I truely do appreciate your support. Youve been an amazing help and friend to me over the last few weeks, and I truely believe I wouldn't have gotten this far without it. I could have so easily curled up in a ball and gave in completely, but I haven't and I thank u for listening.
Things I am grateful for...
1. My familiy's health and love.
2. A roof over my head to keep me dry and warm.
3. Being given a second chance to live.
It's 1am in the morning here. I really wish I could sleep. Am tempted to take some tablets to help me along!!
Your reply put a smile on my face, just wish I could make it more permanent!! I really don't know what to do!!
How are things with you? xx
Hi Lace, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, there are people in this world who do care about others. By reading your post it seems to me that you are a good friend who is trying to help in the best way you can. You need to know that you are not alone, and like you said this is a moment when you are feeling down, but this shall pass, and you will feel better. But right now your friend needs you to continue being there for support and you need to look for that inner strength that we all have inside of us.
Thank you beautiful soul, I appreciate your support. I can always find the strength within me to help others, helping myself is not so easy. I will do everything that I can possible for my friend, she's an amazing person and truely deserves to heal from this illness! I really do hope that she heals. Only time will tell I guess.
Happy Friday Lace, I am so very proud of you for listing things that you are grateful for in your life, they are all so wonderful. Let's take this second chance to live and make it better than ever before for you. What are your hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations? What is your daily purpose? Sometimes we think that our goals and dreams are unachievable and too far out of reach, but by taking it one small step at a time, you can achieve most anything. I believe in you, I believe that you have everything it takes to have the most amazing life where you live with so much love, happiness and fulfillment. I am here to help you get there.
Your words touched my heart and soul, they brought such happy tears to my eyes and I cannot thank you enough for that. You brightened my entire day. See what happiness and fulfillment you brought me today, you can do that for yourself, I know that you can.
I am always here for you. Sending you lots of love and big hugs.
Hi puppy, I'm glad I brightened your day. Your words of kindness always brighten mine also.
My hope is that I will one day learn to live with the things that happened in my past and not let it affect my future. I hope that I will grow in strength and confidence, and be a better person because of the things that I have gone through in my life. My dream is to get a 2:1 in my degree and go on to be the best I can be in my career. Be able to have more confidence and love for myself and hopefully one day meet someone that will love me for me and who I can love back. I don't like looking into my future though, it seems too bleak. I wish for a family that I can love but I have so many fears about that. I fear I have ruined my body from treating it so bad and that I may never bear children. I fear I will never meet someone who will love me for me. I tell everyone that I don't want to have children as I fear I may never live that dream. It's easier to be right than dream of something and be disappointed!!
On a more positive note, I found out today that I done ok in my dissertation for Uni. I got 83%, so I just need to cross my fingers and hope that I passed both of my exams!!
Lace, how are you doing and feeling today? Thank you so much for giving me more insight into your hopes and dreams. I am here to help you not only believe in them, but to achieve them. I felt the same way regarding children and my doctor did warn me that I wouldn't have children if I kept up my ED. This is why I think that it's so important for you to get on a path of recovery and healing. I understand all too well how difficult it is to let go of the past at times and how it effects our day-to-day life, but at one point you have to move on, otherwise you won't be able to live the life that you want. That being said/written, it's key to work through whatever is still effecting you from your past, but once you have done so, it's important to completely move on.
I want you to look ahead to a bright, brilliant and beautiful future filled with so much love and happiness. I know that you will have everything that you dreamed of and so much more. Let's start getting you on that path.
And, I am so very proud of you and your high score, congratulations! You are a Star!
Okay, what's the one thing that you can do today to start working towards your hopes and dreams? It can be a teeny tiny step.
Hi Puppy
I am ok. Battling with my mind today, but I am getting there. I am working late so that I do not have to go home. Somehow being in work on my own is not as bad as being at home on my own!!
How are you? Did you have a good weekend?
I done a 5km charity run yesterday and raised over £500 for the charity, so I feel good about that. Thank you for the congratulations. It kind of feels good, but I cannot properly let myself be proud of myself. My friends and family are more chuffed with it than I am. I'm not sure why I can't be proud of myself!?!
I have been looking into rape counselling the last few days. Writing my dreams down to you made me realise that I need to deal with my past properly. But actually speaking to someone about it is going to be the hardest step that I take though. I know I need to properly explore it, I just don't know that I am ready or strong enough to do that yet. You would think after 15 years of it being bottled up inside me I would be ready, but I am just not sure that I can do it. Until I have dealt with it, I don't think I can ever let anyone into my life properly, as I am unable to trust men. I don't feel as though I can have a proper life or relationship without first getting rid of this monster that I have kept with me for so long!! I am 28 years old now, what if no-one wants me? I am inexperienced in relationships, I feel broken. Who would want someone like that?
Lace, I am so very proud of you for looking into counseling, as I know that is the step that you need to take in order to be able to move forward positively. You need to get to the root of it all and clearly you have 15 years of bottled up emotions. You will feel so freed and like a massive weight has been lifted once you have gone through the counseling. I am so very sorry for what you went through, I can never understand why such things happen to people, though I know that your inner strength will get you through. Once you are on the other end of it, you will be a brand new person, better than ever before.
If it makes you feel any better, I am in my late 30s and I have always been awful at relationships, as they feel so uncomfortable for me. I can't explain why, but maybe it's because those men were not the right ones for me and my soul knew it. Your ONE is out there and he is waiting for you, when the time is right, he will find you. He will love you for all that you are. Always remember, that we are all human and none of us are perfect, we are far from it. Your One will have his past and his quarks, but you will love him for all that he is. I can envision such a beautiful future for you, we just need to take the appropriate steps to get you there. Let's look at it this way, the sooner you start, the sooner you will get there. So, let's get going! I am here holding your hand through this, remember you are never ever alone. We'll take it one baby step at a time. You already took a huge step today by looking into counselors, so the next step would be to make some phone calls to see who is a right fit for you. Is that possible?
Hey puppy,
You always seem to know what to say to make me feel at ease about making another little step. Although my stomach has major butterflies floating around, I feel like I could maybe look at phoning some of the counsellors (I may not think the sane by morning, but right now I do). I will definitely try tomorrow, will let you know how I get on.
Do you truely believe in "the one"? When my friends tell me that I should be out looking for mr right, I do say to then that he's out there somewhere and I will be in the right place at the right time when its meant to happen. I think they think I am a bit crazy.
I just found out that I passed my exams. I should be on track for that 2:1!!
How has your day been?
First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS on passing your exam! Yay! I am beyond thrilled for you. See, you can achieve absolutely anything. I know that you will make the calls to the counselors tomorrow. Take a few deep breaths, look to your inner strength and start making the calls. I am here for you, so please let me know if you need encouragement and/or help.
Yes, I am one of those hopeless romantics that believes in the ONE. I always have and still do. I have never ever lost hope that I will meet my One. Although, I do believe that certain people are fated to come into our lives for a purpose, but that's it, it's just for a purpose and then they are out of our lives. But, the ONE will stick and remain..nothing and no one will get in the way of that. I also have friends who are out on the "manhunt", and I have never been that way. I found that if I ever looked, he was never there, but when I let go, then there he was. Please don't ever lose hope; your ONE is out there and you two will come together when the time is right, no one and nothing will get in the way of that :-)
I'm so glad I'm not the only person that feels this way about "the one". You too will find your one, I'm sure of it. You are an amazing person, so kind and caring with so much love to offer.
Thank you. I may call upon you for that encouragement / kick up the butt to call them. What do I say to them? I think actually getting the words out will be the hardest part. How do you physically tell a stranger that you were raped, I've only ever said that word once out loud, it makes me feel vile and dirty. I don't even like being near conversation when people are talking about story lines from soaps etc this is going to be my hardest path that I have taken. I'm standing at the crossroads now though... I either have to take the turn and deal with it, or keep walking along this self destructive path that could end with no more chances of taking a turn!! I have to take it!!
Lace, thank you for your wonderful words, you are such an incredible person with so many amazing qualities and I want to see you totally flourish so that you can achieve all of your hopes and dreams. What will make you most comfortable in terms of how to introduce yourself and ask for help? Do you need to be so upfront about the reason over the phone or can you generally ask for their area of expertise, and get a feel for how they are? I don't know the protocol but maybe you can generally let them know what's going on with you and then be more open and detailed during your sessions.
I know that tomorrow is going to be the next step in getting you to a much better and happier place. Take it one small step at a time; they may ask you questions over the phone, so keep reminding yourself of all of the reasons why you are calling. If you write out a simple list of reasons to seek counseling, this will help you through it. I think that meeting your ONE is a big reason, having children is another....there are two very significant reasons. What are some others?
Hi Lace, Happy Tuesday! How are you doing today? Were you able to make some phone calls to counselors? I am just checking in on you and letting you know that I am here for you. I know that you can do this, remember it's a big step in the right direction and one step closer to your hopes and dreams.
Hi puppy, thanks for asking. I didn't get around to doing it. I have been really busy today, maybe an excuse in some ways, but I have not stopped all day from the moment I got up this morning, and that was early and it's gone 11pm now!!
xx
Lace, that's totally understandable. I know that you will get around to doing so when you have time. Please know that I am here for you when you need me. Sleep well, sweet dreams :-)
As always, thank you so much puppy. I sent you an inbox message yesterday, not sure if you got it or not?
I've still not managed to do it. I picked the phone up and dialled the number today, so I suppose I am making small progress.
I'm feeling so down at the moment. I dint feel like I have time to stop and breathe, yet somehow I am still finding time to binge. It's drawing the energy from me. Making me feel dreadful. I hate the feeling it leaves me with. I feel ten times heavier than I did at the beginning of the week. It's also not helped that I haven't had time this week to go to the gym, that makes me feel rubbish.
How are you? How has your day been? Xx