What do you call this?

My life is amazing yet I am so pessimistic at times.
I let anxiety get the best of me and then I obsess over
my body, my weight, and I use my emotions to guide reality. I get satisfaction from eating, from not eating,
and from purging when I'm stressed like this.
I was doing really well for a few months and recently it has been creeping back up on me.

I want to be ED free, and in control of my life!!
Anyone have any thoughts, or stories to share that led
them to stop and never look back to their ED?

Wow I relate 100% to what you described! I have found a lot of hope this year in develping my love of hiking and nature... it truly allows me for a small part of my day to step out of my mind filled with obsessive thoughts to really take in how lucky I am to have the senses to see, smell, hear, and really feel how awesome the woods are... do you have any hobbies you can find the same peace in? love and good wishes to you

Julia,

It's great that you're aware of this tendency to gravitate back to your ED when you're stressed out. Recognizing it is so important. You also must ACT. :) Do you have a list of things you can do to refocus yourself on recovery? Writing here is a great thing to try! Distraction can help, too. Self-care takes work and lots of reminders. Lately, I have been asking myself the question, "What do I want?" For instance, I HATE making phone calls. I have been putting off a scary call to my insurance company all summer. But I NEEDED to call! I need to mail in receipts for my treatment that will hopefully lead to some financial assistance! But, I've put it off. Today, FINALLY, I asked myself what I want. Well, I don't want to make the call... BUT... I WANT to feel some freedom. I WANT to start the new school year with a plan and some sense of where I'm going. I WANT to know that I'm going to be okay. So... I called. :) Filled out the form. Addressed an envelope. Once I make a trip to visit a copy machine, I'll be ready to post it! ♥ It feels better...

Perhaps if you can think about what you WANT from recovery? Rather than on what you SHOULD do, or NEED to do... It might make it easier... It's working for me right now, anyway. ;0)

Much love,

Jen

Jen I haven't thought about it like that...good advice :) I guess what I really WANT from my recovery is to be able to feel that sense of freedom in my day to day life like you described. I like thinking about that so much more that thinking how I SHOULD be able to eat what I feel like and not constantly think about my body...
thank you!

Positive.....I like the motto "notice-choose-act".
You now have some awareness, and like Jen said, ACTION is the only way to get through the fears and make positive changes. The 'shoulds' will get you nowhere, except feeling worse about yourself. Are you seeing a professional?
Take care, and please keep writing!! Jan ♥