What do you do when you realize you won a victory you wanted

What do you do when you realize you won a victory you wanted so much that you did something you really didn't want to do and are becoming something you don't want to be. That is what I realized is going on with me. You all know the anger that you feel towards your spouses AP. Mine has been consuming me lately and making me into someone I don't want to be. This past weekend I made her face what they have done to me and I demanded she end things once and for all despite the fact we are getting divorced. Last night she ended it with him. I saw the hurt in her. I saw her sorrow and it ripped me apart inside but I held firm. Today our couples counselor showed me I was wrong to do that. I had already been thinking that I had been wrong. I had finally really hurt her. She was finally suffering and I suddenly realized I had been looking for 2 things. 1 for her to pick me over him and 2 I had been looking for revenge for what she had done. I was letting this turn me into a person I don't want to be. I got what I wanted but I took no joy from it. I only felt shame. I apologized tonight after session and I dropped my demand. I have had so much taken from me. I can't let it take who I am as well. I still hate him with a passion and always will. But I refuse to lose myself and that is someone who wants to help people not hurt them.

4 Hearts

You did alright John. Right or wrong, you did what came natural. You realized it wasn't right for you and apologized.
None of us are perfect. Think you handled yourself well, especially under the stress you have been going through.

2 Hearts

Learning about yourself is part of the journey. The strength you gain will serve you well for future life challenges. I also caused hurt in my recovery, what helped me was to make sure that each day I was a little better than the person I was yesterday

5 Hearts

Unfortunately there are really no winners in this whole situation. Your anger is completely understandable. Your disappointment at how you've let it consume you shows that you care about who you are and what you put out into the world.

You've handled things the best way that you could at the time. I look back and realize that maybe my anger is what carried me thru the whole thing. I said things during that time that I regret, but I also know that some of it needed to be said.

4 Hearts

The one thing I craved more than anything was to see my husband feel incredible sorrow and anguish, because that is what he made me feel. I truly wanted to see him devastated. But, he never showed me that. I also wanted the APs to feel incredible shame. Gut wrenching, life changing, soul crushing shame. They never felt that. I think we want them to feel the pain we feel. But, like you said, even when they do show it, it doesn't really make us feel better.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Your desires are natural. Frankly, I don't even think you need to apologize for it. The fact that your wife is willing to continue her affair while still living with you is horrendous. My husband did the same thing after we decided to divorce. He felt entirely justified and saw no problem with it. I still think he was an incredible selfish a-hole and while I understand he was trying to relieve his own pain, I frankly think he deserved to sit and suffer ever single bit of pain he felt. And, if he couldn't take it, he needed to move out. Luckily, I was able to convince his family to help him move out. They all understood what he was doing was reprehensible.

2 Hearts

@Leahzan Well said. Great advice. I totally agree with your statement “ The one thing I craved more than anything was to see my husband feel incredible sorrow and anguish, because that is what he made me feel. I truly wanted to see him devastated.” This is how I’ve felt too. And it’s so darn frustrating that we can’t make them feel that! At times the injustice of it all was almost too much. I think most of us can relate to some behaviours or choices post d-day that we wish now we hadn’t made. Finding healthier outlets for venting those feelings is an absolute must so that we don’t betray ourselves by becoming people we don’t like due to the pain we’re experiencing.

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