That is what i hate most about the eating disorder. I did not realise how much of a problem this was until my therapist mentions it but then i see that that is because it has now become second nature to do strange ed related things that i don't see it as obsessiveness.
How can i describe it??
It's like only knowing one way of doing things and there is no other way. Your brain never gives you a chance to consider another way. So when i wake up in the mornings and weigh myself, it is automatic. When i watch food programmes, it is automatic. Obsessive in nature. When i eat things in a certain manner with a certain bowl, it is automatic but obsessive. My mind is obsessed with food related things.
The 1 thing i had some control over, exercise, borders on excessive some days and i see the ed has crept into this. When i exercise, i am being driven by my mind and the automaticity of it all. Like i must exercise and it must be for this distance, no matter how long it takes.
That is the one thing i am looking forward to being rid of - obsessiveness.
That is a great question. I think during the begining of my recovery I keep trying to keep hold of my eating disorder, looking at the positives of it other than the negatives. And it's so good to discover the negatives in order to let go. I think for me there are many things I can't wait to get rid of. Like you the obsessiveness of it. But also the pain it causes and the confusing thoughts about eating while in recovery, whether or not to eat or not, what's right and wrong. And also getting rid of my disordered view of the world, of people, of emotions.
Interesting question. For me it would have to be the deceit, isolation and the walking contradiction I feel when I think/know and feel one way and behave another...Thanks for asking this because I think it helps to write these aspects out and get a picture of just how negative the ED is and how the neagtive aspects are incompatible with life and relationships. I want to bounce back a question at you...what quality about yourself do you love the most that has nothing to do with the eating disorder...just inside you?
Allee,
Yes i second that. The overall pain is pretty intolerable and the should i eat or not dilemna downright pisses me off.
Surrender,
You remind me of why i hate the ed. The inability to form and/or maintain normal relationships because of the guilt, shame, deceit of the ed leads to isolation and so the vicious cycle continues.
Hmm, the quality i most love about myself......... i have to think aout that one. i'll be right back..............
Hmm another good question. What do I like about myself that's apart from my eating disorder. I always felt bad praising myself or even talking about myself. I was always afraid to sound egocentric or something. I like helping others, why I want to be a nurse. But that's not really a quality I like about myself. So I guess my sympathy and empathy.. And I also
like that I trust others. I know that could end up being bad, but it is good to trust others and it hasn't hurt me yet. I just like to remain positive. I'm curious to hear everyone elses answers on here. :)
Helping others is a quality my friend in addition to empathy and sympathy! Great qualities for a future nurse. I am in nursing school right now and the quality that I love about myself is my compassion and desire to meet people where they are at and connect. Follow your dreams and never doubt your inner light!
The thing i hate about my ED. Is that it's the only way i know how to cope now. As soon as i feel any emotion coming up I stuff it down with food as soon as possible. I keeps me in control of my emotions but out of control with my eating behaviours.
I hate how depressed it makes me. I hate that I isolate myself because of it. I hate that I don't feel like a good person with it. I feel useless lazy and unpredicatable, hurt, ashamed, fat and 100 different emotions so many that I can't even see me anymore.
i hate that i constantly think about food of the consequences of what the food i am eating are how many servings and how many calories per serving am i consuming should i eat or not eat if i eat i might binge i dont want to binge but if i dont eat i will binge so i hate the confliction i hate feeling like im drowning all the time constantly moody and the feeling that im constantly thinkinking about my next meal and how it will affect me the guilt that come with food the deciete and lies the waste of money on thrown away food the insomnia the depression all of this i hate about the ed
what i think is postive about me is that i am striving for change that even though it seems bleak and dark right now a small part of me believes there is a light at the end of all this no matter how bad are chotic of an event that happens the birds will still come out and sing after it is over this is what i hold onto and this helps me through the dark moments when i want to give up and go back and never look up again but i hope and meditate that someday it will be over this chaos will end it can not rain all the time
the fact that it has taken over my life since age 7.
I have nver been free since such a young age.
I want a family and a husband and it is trying to steal away all those things....that is what I hate
Wow, I agree, what a great question. I am looking forward to the feeling of being free. The being able to get up and enjoy each day for what it brings; relationships, connection, to be able to enjoy the sounds, smells, noises and scenery of whatever is around me at the time, to be able to appreciate life for what it really is, and how short it is here on earth. I am looking forward to not worrying about the feeling of fullness I get after eating. I am looking forward to the day that I can just eat a meal and enjoy it for its flavour and the nourishment its giving my body, and not worry about how I will look or feel after eating it. I am SO looking forward to restoring my relationships with my family and friends when I get all of ME back. Im looking forward to meeting someone who will love me for the REAL me, without any trace of this ED. And I am looking forward to being ablt to love them in return. I am looking forward to having a family when I start mentsruating again. Im looking forward to being able to fit adult size clothes again and buying stuff thats fashionable. Im looking forward to not being cold all the time. Im looking forward to the life I know I deserve, full of opporuntiy, hope, happiness and contentment. A life that is out there in front of me, waiting for me to take the last step and grab it. A life FREE of this ED. Thats what Im looking forward to
Isolation. DEPRESSION... :P The feeling that I HATE the way I was living (note past tense! ♥) and the feeling that I could NOT live another way! Trapped!! And progressively getting worse. Fear was growing. My body was failing. I was losing myself more every day. And I felt powerless to change. I lost others. My work was suffering. I could not cope with even small things, like being invited to a work party. Sadness. All. The. Time.
But... Recovery brings freedom!! It's worth the work!! ♥