I was watching a t.v. show last night(something I rarely do), but it was intruguing to me because they posed a good question for all of us suffering from addictions/problems: What feelings are emotions are you hiding behind your addiction?
I though this was a very beneficial question because it gets down deep to the core of ED into the emotions /feelings we are supressing...
I am trying to figure out what emotions I supress, but I feel I numb those even in recovery . I beleive the emotions or feeling that I am trying to numb with ED are : feelings of low self worth, sadness, my feelings of disguist about myself, anxeity, not feeling good enough no matter what, not feeling SPECIAL( that is a big one), and not feeling like i can accomplish anything in life so therefore having ED gives me sense of accomplishment. I know the last one I mentioned is very wrong to think,but I am glad I found out my core reasons for having ED. I do not need ED to feel like it can be the only thing i can do or accomplish in life( although ED loves to tell this to me).
I do not need 'him' to feel special, nor having him take away my anxeity or sadness, nor make me feel worthy.
What would be very good for all of us is to write down what feeling /emotions we supress with ED and make a list of HEALTHY ways we can cope with those feelings( instead of killing/torturing ourselves).
So, I'd like to ask you to look inside yourself and see what emotions ED is hiding inside you...
What feeling and/or emotions is your ED suppressing, and also---HOW can you find a HEALTHY way to cope with those feelings???
Wow, what a great topic! I don't have ED but I can certainly relate. I have been majorly depressed for a few years and it has been getting even worse in the past few months. I know I've been bottling up a lot of things and have tried very hard to stay numb so nothing can hurt me.
What I'm hiding:
~Feelings of inadequacy: never smart enough
~Poor self image: I hate looking in the mirror
~Regrets: I could be different, better, smarter, happier if only I had or hadn't done _______
~Lack of purpose: I am not different or special in any way and so have no reason to be here
~Lack of self confidence: I don't trust myself to make the right decisions
~Loneliness: I just want to have real friends that get ME and that I don't have to try to be someone else to fit in with
~Fear of failure: if I try something and fail it means I am bad/stupid/ugly so why try and risk finding out the truth about myself?
Healthy Coping Techniques:
~Don't push away the friends I do have, instead let them help me and be close when I need them.
~Realize that my worth is not gauged by my success and failures but by who I am. Failure just means I haven't found MY way of doing something and it gives me another opportunity to try. I can not depend on others for comfort and support if I will not help myself. I need to see the good that is inside of me and embrace it because I am special and unique. There is no one in the whole universe quite like me. (Wow that was REALLY hard to type... blech!)
~Understand that there is nothing I can do to change the past. What I can do is learn from it and try to make my future better. It is too late to change what has already happened, but it is never too late to decide what is going to happen next.
Wow, um, that was way too much optimism and happy thoughts for me. Thanks for the topic Maureen!
thanks so much! im glad you liked this, it is good to dive deep inside of ourselves to see what is really going on. thanks so much for sharing! i really enjoyed that.
i have very much the same feelings you have, although i am working through these feelings and am getting a bit better( not there yet but moving towards the light!)
i am very very happy you were able to see what feelings you are hiding and able to turn that around into a a healthy way to deal with your emotions! great job!!!
and stick with those happy thoughts, they might feel strange at first( i know it is for me and someitmes we push good thoughts away) but when we repeat positivity into the face of negativity—we can push through the pain! and overcome !
the problem i face is not just the feelings i have inside, i know these too well, all these selfhumiliating messages that never leave my head. My problem is identifying who i actually am, i can't figure out anything that I actually like, i've lost the ability to take interest in anything. I can't even take interest in people i love because i fear their rejection. Seriously, anything anyone suggests, drawing, poetry, meditation, exercise ( which i especially hate). All i want to do is shut myself away and b/p because nothing seems to have value to me anymore. I don't even know why i'm here or why I was created in the first place. I feel like a piece of furniture in the house. Whenever anyone asks me what i would like, my mind goes blank. All i know is what I dont like which is practically everything, which shows u just how worthless and pathetic i am. The word "healthy" and "coping" and "find urself" just brings out anger and frustration because obviously if i could figure that out, i would have done it ages ago, maybe i woulldn't have reached this stage in the first place. Finding myself doesn't come in a manual. I wish it does sometimes because im just sooooooooooo fed up with not being able to find myself. I've been thru counseling, hospitalisation, u name it but I still can't find myself.its been 17 yrs with this illness. Recovery and relapse is the story of my life and i constantly feel like im setting myself up to total failure. Not because i dont know the feelings im avoiding , its because none of those healthy coping mechanisms seem to work wth my head. Its become programmed to selfdestruction and when it comes to "reprogramming" and "cognitive behaviourial therapy" i just cant get it thru my thick skull !
wow, ummm is there ANYTHING AT ALL that you like about life or yourself?
i was like that too not too long ago, i didnt find anything interesting at ALL nor did i like anything....at all one bit--one iota, or anything....nothing made me happy.
but , this is what depression does, it kills any joy you have inside...
can you list anything and i mean anything about yourself? anything at all?? it doesnt have to be a long list, but it might help...
does writing how you feel help???
ive found therapy and support groups, self help books and my loved ones do help me snap out of my depression( although i still have depression just not as bad)
are you sure were going to the right therapist? maybe you can find someone you like, who works for you...
im sure you can get through this, and if you keep pushing past this, you can
i mean, ive felt the same way you did--exactly , so i know how you feel and i also know it is possible to get help for what you are feeling... it can be done...you just have to own your own power ....
The thing is after i went to therapy, the depression and my self-esteem got worse and worse and im furious because they pushed me too hard and i obeyed yet still felt worse and worse. That was six months ago when i left the place (it's supposed to be one of the most "successful" rehabs, u know where movie stars and athletes are said to have "recovered" and i just feel so traumatised with the whole experience there and just cant get over what it was like. I felt i was being brainwashed into accepting myself rather than being convinced with what the therapy was trying to say, it was like being on cold turkey for 4 months with ZERO results. I couldn't bare looking at myself in the mirror or undress, i wouldn't change what i wore , i hated the food, I hated leaving my room and i hated the communication, i just felt so patronised and that i was unheard no matter how hard i tried to express how i felt. It felt like noone seemed to care, as if the whole thing was a play and everyone is pretending,that all the patients there were secretly competitive and they would tell on each other if they dont eat everything they were told and wouldnt stop obsessing which didn't help me at all. Everyone was looking at what everyone else was doing, noone was actually watching themselves. I made that point clear to my therapist but i dont think anyone took what I said seriously, I know im no professional but i have this belief or "wishful thinking" that if i dont feel good about recovering then where the hell is the motivation then? What will keep me going? The unpredictable future that "one day" i will wake up and feel everything i've done was worth it? I'm furiousand feel betrayed by my family and husband for refusing to get me out of there. I felt like a caged animal, a prisoner being watched 24/7. I still can't get over it and the depression gets worse and worse. I just lost hope and feel there isn't anything good left in me. Its all anger and bitterness .
ok obviously--this place was not good at all( just becasue movie stars go there to get recovered doesnt mean didley squat cause movie stars are never truly recovered anyways)
so instead of feeling down about that place that you didnt like, why not think about another alternative to help yourself and fidn someone or a place that is good . that place you described does not sound good at all, but there are good places out there. it doesnt mean all is hopeless just because one place is bad. life doesnt work like that...
you have to keep an open mind;if you do want to recover.
im sorry you feel this way--i really am. but not all places are like the place you described/
thanks, yes all of us with ED have the need for control in our lives in which we exert it over inot our bodies... and yes also sadness.... is also a common theme
this is excellent Maureen. One of the things I have learned in my new therapy group is that ED is just the "symptom" ; the real issue is what are we using the ED to cover up? Once those issues and feelings are resolved, the ED will be much easier to kick.
For me, it's all about trying to feel safe and secure. I use ED to control every aspect of my life and as with everyone else, it's "never good enough" And it never will be good enough. So the answer is to deal with the real issues.
Wonderful post, Maureen!
wow, i never thought about the feeling safe thing--wow, that does apply to me...hmmm interesting and thanks for that! i think when we have unsafe things happen to us, we feel the need for control and safety...
yes once we get to the core issues of ED---we will be much better! ED is just the symptoms, youre right....it isnt about the food.
This is excellent Maureen...you always have the best posts :)
The feelings I'm hiding:
sadness/grief
anxiety
self-hatred
depression
fear of failure
the feeling that there is nothing unique about me, nothing special
guilt and shame
Healthy coping mechanisms:
instead of turning to ed, turn to my husband and this wonderful support group :) and I need to work on not feeling guilty and pathetic that I need others to help me sometimes
channel my emotions in a healthy way- writing, reading, listening to music
Yeah the not feeling special and unique is a hard one for me...
I feel like there's nothing that makes me stand out, nothing that makes Chelsea unique...but my therapist reminds me that that is just ED making me think that. ED downplays all of the things that do make me unique...I have to try to remember that.
I feel every emotion possible. Sadness fear anger panic anxiety happiness hope disappointment everything. My ED makes me hate life and love it at the same time. I am full of regret and resentment and a shitton of emotions that were always shoved aside because other people in my family's emotions were more important. Everything I felt was shoved down inside. It still is and it's all been so stuffed in it's hard to get it out anymore and feel like I matter at all...
yes i do relate to the feelings of: sadness, fear, anxeity, depression, mixed with happiness and hope... you can tell whether it is the ED or your healthy voice cuz your healthy voice will give you a more positive feeling...
make sure sonrisas, that you stand up for what you beleive in and dont let anyone shove you down, family or not!