a light is now shining in on my deep, dark secret. not only can others now see it, I TOO CAN SEE IT. ebbing and flowing on and off for most of my life, i mistakenly took symptom substitution for *recovered*--- or more accurately for *never having been ill in the first place*. my emptiness-chasing, my cravings, my alcoholic tendencies, my worry over my size, my endless eating, and so on have always ruled my world. possessing some fairly odd habits and rituals, i discounted ALL OF IT b/c i never felt like i LOOKED like an eating disordered person. having reached a pretty low weight that was accompanied by many odd habits and rituals- maybe 5 or 6 times in my life-, i somehow slithered away from it as the ebbing demon would give me reprieve. although never completely free of eating issues, i felt that my *low-weight self* was never due to an eating disorder b/c it would somehow always go away.
fast-forward to 2010. trying to accept my eating disordered life as a true illness is difficult after all my years of twisting and turning and denying. which brings me to my point: what is a *relapse*? did i relapse when i experienced low weight due to eating disordered behavior? or--- b/c i have been haunted somehow by both sides of the coin [under AND over eating], have i never been in a recovered state and my low weight issues were simply bound to occur on my never-ending roller coaster? even when i have maintained a healthy weight for some time, i have always felt obsessed, overly-panicked, calorie-conscious [all in the name of moral, healthy veganism], and plagued with compensatory behaviors. is that chronic dieting? is that normal for the average american woman? is that still considered eating disordered behavior?
i read a lot on the site about relapses. i am wondering how a relaspe is determined? how subjective IS this term?
namaste, my sisterhood.
xo
Amy: I don't know how I would define a relapse but I do know this: for over 30 years (with weights ranging from dangerously low to completely normal) I have had eating disordered thinking. No matter how I acted or did not act, those thoughts were ALWAYS there and still are. So I consider myself to have been suffering from an ED since I was 24 years old basically. No matter how I "packaged" it, whether I was in "training" for various athletic feats or just plain "dieting" or obsessed with exercise, it's all the same thing in my book.
I know it drives you nuts and you love to analyze the what's and why's, but maybe it's just simpler than all that.
HOpe that helps and hope I did not offend you my wonderful friend!
molly girlie-
i tend to agree with you, sweetie. i would never say that i am experiencing a relapse presently- i think i've always manifested some sort of eating disorder and that it is simply presenting itself more notice-ably right now.
yes, analyzing does come way too easily for me- ha! i see the word used a lot on this site and am simply curious as to how others' define this term and how it affects their current lives.
i adore your feedback! you are going to have to do better than that to offend me, hon!
xoxo