What makes the difference in moments when you eat without resorting to behaviours?

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Good afternoon ladies (and gents(if there are any out there)),

I just wanted to ask you all what makes the difference in your ability to not purge/restrict/binge etc?

This has been triggered by my first non-purged meal at home in many months. Previously, i had been thinking about the lies the ed has me believing:
1) I must purge if i am at home
2) I must purge at least once a day
3) I must eat out if i am to avoid purging
4) I cannot eat bread without purging
5) I feel fine so nothing is really wrong

The list goes on.

Basically, this afternoon, i was told that my potassium is super low and i think the doc was surprised i was still standing. Nothing looks good when i get my blood results but physically, i feel pretty fine if a little tired. Anyway, i was so freaked out by all the doctor was saying and the threat of having to go to hospital, i put to bed my purging plans for the day and decided i needed to do sthg for myself. So what made the difference for me today:

1) I had the living daylights scared out of me.
2) I told myself that it was fine to eat.
3) I prepared myself for eating and not purging. I did not recite a mantra or do any special yoga moves for this one: i just kept saying (does this count as a mantra?): it's only food. You are not eating lots, it will digest, you will not feel full forever. Sthg like that.
4) I ate alone without having the added stress of being wth family members who are watching my moves and inspecting my food. (this one has really been troubling me recently)
5) I made a plan for what i would have for lunch when i was on my way back home.
6) I planned what i would eat in the evening if i get hungry.

So, i just want to throw it out to you all: what makes the difference on days/in moments when you eat without resorting to behaviours?

Thanks for your eyes.

Sreb

xx

2

I have ED/OCD and for me for some reason i think i have more success not eating my routine meals if my family is home. I still have the thoughts but i'm able to block them out more.. sometimes it means just eating a little of what the family is having and then eating some of my safe foods, other times i can completely block the thoughts and eat the whole meal. But when i'm alone i just can't seem to get the thoughts to stop so i always eat my "healthy items" even if it is an inconvenience and i have to go out of my way to the store and get them.

3

When I'm eat out with friends or in public I eat as healthy as possible, and consume normal amounts of food. Its when I'm in the comfort of my own home where no one else will see but my parents that I allow myself to fall back into my pattern, because they might notice but they never say anything so subconsciously I feel like its ok to get away with it.

I come from a family of big eaters. They eat a lot and they don't usually care if its healthy or not. Although recently most everyone in my family has started to correct these habits, we were all raised to eat what and as much as we wanted.It all goes back to my grandparents being raised in big families where food was scarce and you ate what you got when you could. So that's how they raised their kids, and how their kids raised me and my cousins.

Keeping busy also really makes a difference. When my mind is focused on school, a play, or a project I can just eat my planned meal and move on to the next task.

4

Sreb,

I think the planning has been the most help to me. Rather than the temptation to make decisions and change my plans on the spur of the moment, I was able to follow my meal plan as though it was a medical prescription, detailing the medicine (food) needed, and the correct dosage. That really helped. You're right, the feeling of fullness does NOT last forever. And eventually, the body gets used to the new quantity of food, and it gets easier. Make it a habit. Make it non-negotiable. Make it something that you can do mechanically, if necessary. :)

Thinking of you, friend!

Jen

5

sweet sreb-

i have similar rules for different [but similar] behaviors.
**fear is a HUGE factor in my ability to temp over-ride my status quo.
**being in the presence of others allows that over-ride to kick in.
**i sadly explain to myself that whatever i'm allowing myself to do that i might not be happy with later is only temporary. i know i have other ways of combatting my inability to sit with it.

what i WANT are real reasons that honor my spirit.
i want to make my *temporary* view a non-negotiable option.
although feeling fear is scary and uncomfortable, when it motivates me in a healthful way, i wish that the fear would not dissipate [you know, the intensity of the fear diminishes and so do my good intentions and healthful actions].
i want my kids to matter more than maintaining my status quo.
i want to feel that I MATTER MORE than maintaining my status quo.
i want to be able to eat when i'm hungry and to stop when i'm full. i have been mystified by these enigmatic concepts- therefore continuing my cycles of under and over eating.....
i want to RESPOND to how i feel emotionally appropirately. my visceral reactions are strong and real. i am so worn out from reacting with emptiness or food or feeling ill.... when i'm upset, i would just like to feel upset and nothing more.

okay, i've digressed and really haven't offerred any useful suggestions.

sweetie, just over-ride it while you can. let the nourishment strengthen your memory of this time of allowed consumption. find a way to save this memory, so when you over-ride it again, it builds. as it builds, it can serve as something you KNOW you can do, something that you DID survive, something that CAN be in your future.....and it can be your inner torch.

i've missed you. i'm grateful that you are sharing and writing.
all my love,
xoxo

6

Thanks for all your responses. Thanks Amy for your words.

Emmaline, it's such a good point you make. My family know but they say nothing so i think its okay. They leave me to it and i get on with it. I am not sure how i would react to being challenged. Truth is, i want to be left to my own devices.

Today, i was reminded that the day after the night before is always the most difficult time for me. Not the meal itself.

Yesterday, i turned to behaviours once and so far today, twice. I hate the feeling i get the day after eating anything half decent. I feel full even though i know in my head the i cannot still be full from the night before since the food must have digested. But, i hate that feeling so i want the emptiness to return and the only way is purging for me. Not even exercise makes me feel empty again.

Today fell apart cos i delayed eating cos i had an appointment this morning which took longer than it should have and then i let that be an excuse for my indecisiveness and then i saw it all falling apart and i got overwhelmed by all that i need to do these days just to keep my body in check (re: hypokalaemia and supplements) and i just got scared with what can happen if i continue purging but then i can't stop totally at the moment and it all feels too overwhelming and calm only returned after purging.

Tragic, i know but i guess no one else will be to blame should anything happen to me. Hmmm.

Sorry. Wish i had better news to report.

Jen, i cannot commit to a meal plan at the moment, such is the strength of the purging and it seems that i am triggered by just drinking fluids even. It really is a mental thing for me at the moment. When i feel calm, i can sometimes manage something. When i am overwhelmed, i cannot. I know there is no can and cannot but that is kind of my world. The way things are working in my world. Not purging is not an option for me at the moment. There was a time when it wasn't but i am so far removed from that place at the moment. I am still caught up in the cycle. I know that i have made progress in the last week in terms of reducing number of b/p episodes, spending less money on it, not giving the ed all it wants when bingeing. Eating foods that i would prefer not to (only for the sake of my potassium levels). Small steps but that will have to do for the moment until i can make bigger ones. I do know that a meal plan works wonders for people but i wonder how it works for people when purging is such a big part of the disorder?? Especially if you are not in a treatment setting????

Amy, you have offered a lot. What i hear you saying is that you want a lot for your life. More than the ED. You want the big things to matter and not the small things (which the ed gets us to focus on). The question is how do we turn desire into something stronger. Like do we really want the things we say we want? Or do we wish that we really wanted those things?? Does that make sense. Like is my desire for kids and a family greater, in this moment, than my desire to binge and purge? Or is it that i am unable to reduce the power of my short term desires (to feel empty etc) and increase the attractiveness of my long term desires???

Hmmmm

American Beauty, loneliness is such a strange thing. I once heard a man say that the person who eats alone, dies alone. I kinda reckon this is true. Food it seems is about companionship and sharing and all those other things which the ED is not about. Like the 2 are incompatable and the more we eat alone, the more we are alone with this ED. But yes, i often feel like when i am alone, i have to eat safe foods cos i do not trust myself with the foods that i could eat with others, when i am busy pretending to be normal and not purging or bingeing.

Lots to think about.

Thank you for your contributions ladies.

Sreb

xx

7

It IS harder to look at the big picture when you feel like you’re in a really dip hole. I think the best thing I’ve learned to do is to focus on the positive things. If I can focus on the good decisions I make and prevent myself from feeling guilt and shame, I can keep myself from bingeing. Just like you purge when you’re overwhelmed, and can manage it when you’re calm. The only thing I could suggest would be finding ways to cope and relax when you’re really stressed, like deep breathing or even screaming into a pillow if in the end you’re calmer. Whatever works for you.

And I agree that food should be something that brings us together. It shouldn’t keep us from being with the ones we love. What killed me the most when I was obsessing over calories was how much I felt like a freak for always bringing my safe foods to lunch or ordering the healthiest option. While most people were supportive, I had certain friends and family members who were negative about that. I had an aunt who always made comments like, "Why would you offer her candy? She doesn’t eat anything sweet!"and say it in a nasty way, as if I was in the wrong. My friends thought I was weird for caring so much about what I ate, but I still firmly believe they should be the ones caring more about what they’re eating.

8

Sreb,

I'm sad for you... For your great suffering... I hope that you will get the help you need soon, my friend... I think of you often.

Amy,

I miss you! I hope you're hanging in there, too, friend. ♥

Much love,

Jen

9

Sreb,
I am touched by the great support offered to you here ♥
I know you can feel it as well...
One thing that I keep coming back to is the fact, yes, the fact, that there is a point, where no matter how intelligent we are, how much we have to life for, or how determined we are to NOT have an eating disorder, we DO, and we are unable to stop the behaviors without help. You were right when you spoke about your inability to see how one could stop the behaviors outside of a 'treatment' setting. At certain points, with certain people, it is possible to turn it around on an outpatient basis. With others, many others, it takes a more 'hands-on' intervention to break that vicious cycle. It's due to the damage and affects that starvation has on a person's mind. It's inevitable. But it is reversible, with the proper help.
I am not saying that there is no use in fighting, but I am saying that blaming yourself for your inability (it's NOT unwillingness!) to break the cycle on your own will only add to your problems and feelings of powerlessness.
Thinking of you friend....HUGS...Jan ♥

10

Yes, the bigger picture. I think oftentimes, i only see the feet right in front of me and not the wide world out there. Hmmm.

Unfortunately, i do realise that even pre ed, i never had a good way of dealing with emotions. I used to write furiously but at the same time, do things to myself which caused harm. I am trying to think about how i dealt with my emotions before i took this route but i cannot seem to remember. I always just kept things bottled in.

Jen, thanks for your kind words. I guess the truth is, i neither see myself as a sufferer, nor as one suffering. Although i am sure that if i were to be on the outside looking in, then my view may be different. But thank you, nevertheless. xx

Jan, yes, i am super touched by how much everyone has invested in my by contributing to this post. It really puts a smile on my face and makes me want to keep on searching for solutions. Yes, i think there was a time when i could have succeeded without needing more intensive treatment. And some days, i still catch a glimmer of that person but as i was told today, sometimes, it just gets to the point where you need extra support and i am glad that i might be getting access to more intensive support in a month or so. And if it does not happen, that is cool. Either way, i am still hopeful.

Recovery is a strange beast. I am not ready nor do i necessarily want the pain in the middle but i want to be over this. I know i have to do it even if i am not ready but more importantly, i guess i know that i cannot live with the ed which is what i have done for over half my life.

Thank you all so much for your words.

xx

11

Sreb....you are right on...you cannot live with the ED...I am thinking about you....please keep sharing...Jan ♥