Life seems pretty impossible to me right now. I think about dope 24/7. And It seems to have affected every possible aspect of my life. Legal, emotional, mental, physical, intellectual, EVERYTHING. And I let it go on for so long that it just built up so fucking much. All I do is eat and sleep now. What do I do? Does this get better? It's like I'm permanently coming down.
how long you been off it?
Not long enough to count. One month and 4 days.
Though thats a month and 4 days in anyone elses eyes. I'd like to throw out there that it seems more like a decaded and 4 years. I've never been this out of it, but I did it for so long that it just became part of my chemistry. I feel like I'm making up for lost days when I lay down.
I know how you feel. I had everything in life. two business's, nice house, cars, wife and three baby boys and I was always a positive in everyones life. i always did a little coke, pills etc. and could put it down. I tried meth and it took control of me instantly and before you know it 2 grams a day. living at my shop. it destroyed everything and it made me blind to it. My wife and kids were fixing to lose house. one night I saw myself and everything meth did just for a moment. I begged god to relive me and from that day forward I have been clean. 20 months.
It gets better. Meth is the devil itself. The reality of destruction is the pain that people cant handle and use again because it goes away. I am not a holly roller but there is a god and you need to ask him. stick with it and you will be a better person from it. dont worry about the people you lost or everything you cant control. The friends will come back. dig deap and learn who you are from scratch.
I couldnt go to rehab because I had to rebuild my business to feed my kids. I barely kept the house and cars and am just now on time with the notes sometimes. Its a journey. you will find out so much about yourself and you will see life as it is. Like your a kid again,the simple things that exited you about life will come back. The way you are feeling right now will go away. I beat it on my own and am proud of it. It is the worst thing that happend to me but it feels like it will be the best thing that happened to me in the future. read my story. you can do it bro! any time you need to talk I want you to talk to me. I have been though the process.
I managed to sink myself in pretty bad like that too. I've got lawyer fees like noones business, I had a 2008 mustang my parents signed on for me and I lost my job and stopped paying. My parents took me to jail one night after an 'intervention' attempt by one of my old sober friends. Then they bailed me out and now I owe them for that too. I never finished paying for the schooling I washed out of. My sober friends are essentially gone. You ever notice that your eyesight will never be the same? Or is that me? Yawnin', hungry beast is what I've become. With no real emotion but exhaustion and deprivation.
It is the devil!!! No lie I believe that with all of my heart. I have always said so...... Ughhhhh dancing with the devil has taken over my life. I am here if you need to talk tail...
IT IS! im typing now with a broken arm, so bear with me. Ive yet to go back go it, but ive come pretty close about every single day for a month. I just can't stop thinking about it this month!
Well as I have been reading....and it makes so much sense to me. " Our thoughts become our actions" so for me when I find myself thinking about it I do whatever it takes to think of something else. "where the mind goes the woman follows" All that **** is so scary and so true for me. Just remember in order to change our life we have to change our thinking...... Dont let that **** devil get to your thoughts because he is well aware of where it will lead you. You are doing so great. Keep up the awesome work.
I'm surviving thus far. I celebrated 420 today, thus I didn't think about my D.O.C much. Tomorrow will be another battle, but I think I'll survive. I'm learning to have more faith in my actions. Learning to eat, sleep, and breathe in a different manner. I'll live.
Have you managed to have a prolonged, intimate, quality relationship with someone who has never used the stuff? I have not had access to any stuff for several years (I had a connection here but it ended) and the prescription substitutes are a feeble substitute.
When I came back to the east coast 12 years ago from basically an "artistic" lifestyle in LA, CA, where everyone I was friends with did it to varying degrees & the product was unbelievably pure & highly addicting.
Now, in this conservative environment I live in, no one I know does it & most have no clue what its effects are.
We all know how it affects our sexual appetite, daily patterns, sleep cycles, etc. Without the drug, to get up to my old crank induced level of stimulation is impossible now but so is any other level of enjoyment impossible. No matter how much I love or am involved with someone, I cannot create that kind of sexual intensity & desire with them. Simple lovemaking, frankly...sucks now because of my brain's rewiring from the tina. I can't get into it, even with erection pills.
I am as accomodating as humanly possible to satisfy my partner by other means but we end up frustrated & distant. I can't really explain to them why, that it isn't personal, because they have never been under that influence & are unaware of the levels you can go to on that ****. I later end up pleasuring myself alone to some nasty porn which is seriously unsatisfying. They feel rejected & the relationship inevitably ends.
I have no idea how to get back the basic joy of sexual intimacy without that boost or how to relate in bed with "the girl next door" I guess. It sucks.
I understand! My "Cuddy Buddy" was the one that helped ween me off of it, but unfortunately I'm afraid I'll never get to be with him. I have tried to help him understand what I endured on a daily basis, the trial and tribulation, but he just doesn't understand. And yes, sex was much more fun when it was with someone that was also spinnin. To tell you the honest truth, I do the same as you, just try and sexually please myself.
Though, I must say, the worst part about being with my "cuddy buddy" who I love dearly, is that he constantly thinks that I am extremely ate up. He rarely says this out loud, but it happens on occasion. I show no real signs of being ate up, minus my aftershock of being OFF of it, but in his opinion noone can dance with the devil and not be seriously affected. He does drugs himself recreationally, but most are downers and stabalizers. Mine were uppers all the way. I wish I could make him understand, but I can't, and I really don't see myself being able to handle a relationship with someone that has been or is on dope, for if you put two dope-minded people in one room, it seems to be basic principle that dope will appear out of nowhere.
I HATE being sober. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I want to go back to what I was but deep down I know I can't and thus I'm staying off of it. But, god, the depression, is just remarkably bad. I can't fucking stand it!