What should I do?

What's the right thing to do when you can't get what your heart wants and there are no guarantees you could ever get what your heart wants. Instead, you find an opportunity with someone deep down you don't want to pursue but it's the only thing available in front of you. I also feel like it's an opportunity that everyone around me wants me to take so that everything should go the way it's supposed to go.

I don't hate this person. We're just friends at the time being and I could be wrong but I feel there's an opportunity that it might be something more from his side but at the moment, I'm not pushing it forward because I honestly don't know what I want to do.

I'm sick of being alone and tired of it. I want someone in my life to call me, spoil me, care about me, do fun things with me. Even if it's not plunging into a white gown and wedding bells, it's enough sometimes just to feel like I'm not alone and that I have something real, something I know is mine, something that I dream of, that keeps me going, something I can hold on to, something that makes me feel alive and normal, someone that I can talk to, feel close to, hear his voice or read his text messages and feel happy.

Despite all of that, I can't seem to want to do anything about it. Deep down I'm still hurt from something in the past. Something I still want to hold on to despite every conceivable reason. It's crazy because I don't have anything tangible with that thing but it resonates deeply with something inside of me unlike anything else and that is preventing me from moving on. That person has moved on himself, made his decision a long time ago and is happily in a relationship, living a good life with someone he cares about and that equally cares for him in return. He probably started a family already and is moving forward.

I easily escape things. It takes me a long time to trust my feelings but once I do, it's so hard to change them because they feel happy where they are. I also don't want to start something when the whole purpose of starting it is probably just to bounce back? I don't know.

Please give me opinions, anything. It's so hard talking about this and I don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling. It hurts so much. I want to know what am I supposed to do?

Baroness, I can relate. I am incredibly lonely and even though I know it's not the right thing to do, I find myself looking for any way to fill that loneliness at times. I'm dating someone now with for whom I have deep feelings, but about six months ago I ended a relationship with someone that I was crazy in love with. It's been tough moving on. Everyone I dated after him just left me feeling cold because it wasn't him... The person I'm seeing now has been my friend for a long time, he's a wonderful man, but I actually avoided getting involved with him because when I compared him to the other guy, he just didn't measure up in my mind. Mostly because I had idealized this other man. I denied my feelings for my current boyfriend and when we finally got together I was terrified. I'm now still not sure I'll ever really get over the other guy, but I've come to the conclusion this relationship deserves a chance. We all have this notion of how love should feel and unfortunately I think it might be wrong. Butterflies and racing hearts don't make lasting relationships. This other man was amazing, but we weren't compatible. I have so much more in common with my current boyfriend and we see the world in the same way. I've come to realize love is a choice and the best thing we can do to ensure long term happiness is to choose someone who we fit with and who we're especially fond of and choose to love them. The truth is the last time I felt crazy in love the marriage ended up failing... this less crazy feeling probably has a much better chance of surviving.

That said, don't settle! If this other person doesn't fit, don't think you have to take him to fill the void of loneliness. This community can help you work through those feelings without cheating yourself. But if you think this thing MIGHT work out it doesn't hurt to try it out and go slow. It may be amazing. Feel free to PM if you just need someone to listen...

Thank you Jessie. Your reply truly came as a relief. I was desperate yesterday and wasn't feeling that good. I'm glad to hear you're happy now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I do feel like I am settling but I'm not young either and whatever I get is probably the best I would get at this point in my life before I probably wont get anything.

I just want to focus on "me" now because I feel parts of me inside are dying. People find it easy sometimes to say "don't think too much" or just live and take what comes, but when I think about how many years passed and wasted and when I see the changes in myself, I get seriously scared. I feel the world is moving so fast and I'm all alone in it. There are things I can never bring back, like my health, my youth... When I think like that, I feel I'm ready to just "settle" before it really is too late. I didn't used to think like this when I was in my 20s. I feel like when and if I reach my 40s and 50s, it will be ten times harder and then people won't really give a crap about you and will just say "just accept it".

It feels exactly like being stuck in a cave all alone, trying to scream your lungs out cuz you're seriously suffering from something and no one's there to answer. Everyone is just too busy living life.

I'm just too tired to figure out whether it's me, my luck or just fate. I don't know.

Thanks again for the support. It really really helps.

I think jessie Lynns post is really full of wisdom.

But the bit i can add is that I met my current partner at 39, and I know a wonderful couple who met in their 80's.

And that I think you are wise to be focussing on your self and your feelings at the moment...in many ways i believe the relationship we have with ourselves...in learning to care for and nurture oursleves and respond to our own needs...is more important than any other relationship. I think relationships don't fix us, but that we can treat them like fixes, and this never works. They are more like mirrors, showing oursleves the parts we haven't dealt with yet.

I think this of course, when i am in a healthy and reflective space! Othertimes I get tangled up in all sorts of difficulties! I am writing as a recovering co-dependent and love addict. Writing on here helps me see my own stuff more clearly. I hope it does the same for you.

Baroness, it sounds like you're in your thirties? You said you're not young, but you certainly aren't old. If you feel like there are holes inside that need filling, you really are wise to focus on you. I don't think this means you can't date, you will always have inner places that need healing. Such is the nature of life. But I would caution you not to focus too heavily on the relationship. This is something I've only recently realized for myself. You said you were glad I was happy now in my relationship, but I wouldn't want to give you the impression the work is done, I know it's not. The man I'm with now and I have been struggling a bit because both of us have emotional garbage that needs cleaned up and we realized that in spite of how much we like each other we both need to slow down and make cleaning up that garbage our main focus rather than building a relationship. Our relationship will still grow and deepen and in the long run be better if it works out if we do the work on ourselves now. If you feel time slipping by then you can't afford to go about things the wrong way because you will only end up more hurt and crippled in the end. It's all the more reason to make yourself whole and healthy before you get too involved with anyone. I would also agree with jumping frog. This is an excellent place to get support and gain insight as you work on fixing you.


You're right. Thank you so much :)

Thanks Jumping Frog, too!