What to do about my atic ex

Hi. My name is Mike. I was with my ex for five years. We have a four year old son together. When she was younger she had a problem with meth. We split up about 6 months ago because she started using again. She has totally lost her why and she is a very angry emotional person. I have confronted her about it and she lies about everything. Come to find out her parents do meth also but not to the extent she uses. She has no support of trying to get clean do to her parents are enabling her and more than likely using with her. She has every symptom of a person on meth. I also think she also abuses vicodin. I know when she left me that she was high and not thinking right. Now that time has passed I feel guilty about not trying to help her. I love this girl. At this point I don’t want my son around her. She doesn’t want much to do with him and I have been doing my best to keep her away from him. It kills me because he talks about her all the time. I just feel so lost and helpless. Looking at her I know if things don’t change she is going to die. I keep telling her that I know her and this is not you and I know something is wrong. She cry’s every time she sees me. I know she loves me. She just can’t think because of the drugs. I don’t know if it is even worth it to talk to her because all she does is lie and play the victim. As far as my son I am going to tell her that she can’t see him until she gets clean. Maybe that will help because now she is just choosing not to see him. I know I will never trust her again. I am so tired of being hurt. My mind is just racing like I am the one with the problem when I have taken all the responsibility of our son. Should I give up and move on? Should I try to help her? Can I help her? If I don’t try something will I feel guilty if something happens to her? I think about her connately where it is consuming my every thought. It is taking over my life. I feel like I am living a nightmare and I just want to wake up.

mike

stop and take a breath, no u cant help someone who wont help themselves its a bit like taking a horse to water u can get it there but u cant make it drink unless it wants to.

u can talk to u are blue in the face but what she needs is proffesional help so if u want to help her get clean she needs a doc and/or therapy people who are trained to deal with these problems,

as for your son u tell him mummy isnt well at the moment and she loves him (its irrelevant weather she does or doesnt at his age) tell him u are sad that mummy is poorly but dont overload or condemn her in his hearing childhood is precious and should be happy, its consuming u because u are too close to the situation and taking responsibility of a four year old can be time consuming leaving no time for u to see things in a rational light, do u have family friends who can help u out with these problems?

good luck

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

  I know I have to move on. I have  family that is supportive me. I know the main reason of I am going crazy is excepting the things that I cannot change. The real battle is in myself and I have done nothing about it. I can get sitters for my son but I am having an identity problem and I don’t even know where to start. All I ever wanted was to have a family life with a white picketed fence. It is not her that I am chasseing it is a dream. I can’t make her into something that she is not. When she shows tenderness towards me it messes me all up and I can’t cut her totally off because of the kid. Since she has left I have been taking care of myself real well. I am 32 years old and look better then when I was 20. I am a good looking guy but my refection has no connection to myself. As far as my family they try to give me advice but I feel they can not relate to my situation. That is why I thought I would try this site out.

mike

strange question i know but have u ever considered therapy for u? or just an overhaul at the docs..to make sure during this u havent put any unnecessary strain on yourself?

and yes family are great but they only have one side and thats yours
have u checked out the co dependency site here to see if any of the things fit with how u are feeling at the moment?

wishing u all the best
loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Hey Mike,
My name is Brandy. I have never been addicted to meth, and will never, however I can empathise with you on chasing the dream. It is very hard to let go of the addict in your life especially when that person is the mother of your child. I Know all to well about the lies, and the look in their eyes of guilt and shame. You know inside that they want a life back , but the drug has control and wont let go. I have learned that meth is the worst drug to beat. It is not just physical it is mental and the lifestyle. It is one of satans biggest weapons against mankind at this time, and it is very powerful. I used to believe everything marc said, and now I dont. He went to jail and I promised him when he went I would write, prior to that I had let him go for 8 months. His mother called me and told me that he turned himself in back at the end of august,so I wrote to him, and now he is living in my home. He is not clean. He was out for 24 hours and used, at that time he was very guilty and shameful, and always is after he uses. But the sad fact is that no matter how much I think I love him or just want my family life back I am more important and so are my children. If he does not stop using I will be forced to kick him out and let him go forever. He is not the father of my children, however I care very deeply for him. I could be here all day letting you know about me and how I got here to a point where I need a support group. I will pray for you Mike and your wife and child. Remember it may take her falling hard this time to recover and dont give up hope, but dont give up life. You can have a family life by yourself without a partner. It has taken me 3 years to learn this. If the only thing that you take away from this is dont stop living and dont loose faith.

Praying for you
Brandy

I know all too well the pain also of being in love with an meth addict. My fiance was addicted to meth 10 years ago. I didn't know that when I fell in love with him. Anyway, he has started using again....partly because he moved back to his home town. He keeps telling me he will stop. But he hasn't, and I don't really think he wants to at this point. But come to find out, he was using a bit when I met him and he lied to me about it. Therefore, it doesn't matter where he was living....he was already on the road to starting again, without my knowledge. I have never been around drugs and didn't know the signs. I was totally naive. Well, not anymore. I do look through his billfold because I now know that is where he puts it. I found more tonight! He just told me yesterday he was quitting! I know he needs professional help. He doesn't believe it. Says he can do it on his own. What the hell ever!!! I love this man dearly!!! I soooo don't want to lose him. But ****, this is killing me. There is never any extra money. I find myself having to buy and pay for more and more, while his money goes unaccounted for. AND he makes more than me! How do I do this? How do I get through this? How does my heart mend? The drug makes him not care about me or his son. I take care of his son. The son he left when he was 5 yrs old to get off meth 10 years ago! Now his is 15 yrs old, moved in with us to build a relationship with his father. AND his father is back on meth. Of course he doesn't know. My fiance is starting to get sores on his face and legs. He says the sores on his face are from in-grown hairs. Well, I've been with him for 2 years and he's NEVER had his this problem before! And his legs too?? I'm not stupid! He spends hours in the bathroom now picking at his face and nails. Anyway, how does one get through it? Like you, Mike, I so want to help him like you want to help your wife. But when I confront him he turns it into what I do wrong somehow. It's like he doesn't care if he loses me. That really really hurts like hell. Needing advice....any words of wisdom, whatever....

Mike, I too know exactly what you are going through. I see myself in every post that I see on this site :)! I empathize with everyone! We all love & care deeply about our loved ones & all we want is for them to get better. I am lost myself on what is going to have to happen before the light goes on in his head that makes him stop using. Meth is a vicious & terrible drug. Only brings pain & heartache to the ones who use & the loved ones that get to sit by & watch it destroy their lives. I am here if anyone wants to talk.....Just by getting out my feelings is helping me tremendously.

Mindy

mindy

im glad that u are finding a way to cope and its such a relief to find that u are not alone in this situation that so many people are going thru the same things as u are,
it makes u feel more able to cope and in some ways is a release that it is really happening

keep posting/chattin

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Thanks domestic for those kind words. Every day is a struggle. I am slowly but surely learning to come to grips with whats happening. I know I want to be there for my husband and help him get through this! I was naive for the first year of his drug use. I am learning so much about addiction & I feel so much better when I get to talk about my feelings & situation.

Mindy

mindy

im glad that u are finding an avenue to let all the festering hurt out in a safe venue that will allso allow u to heal and learn along the way

keep chattin hon

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

I have to tell you guys that allot have changed since the last time I was on here. I have done allot of sole searching. I read a book called the 12 steps of codependency and it really got the wheels turning. I thought for the past 6 months that she left us but in reality she left herself. On the same note while we were together I had left myself. I had been trying to force my way of life on her for some time. The straight life is not for everybody. We can sit here and dwell on how they are messing up there life but at least they are doing what they want. Now what? Do I sit here and be a victim or do I move on with my life. After reading some posts on this site I will never take her back even if she gets clean. I know there is a good possibility she will go right back on it and I don’t want to waste anymore of my time. It is not up to me to save her. I have had to come to realize that I don’t have control over this problem. I thought before that if I gave up on her it would make me a bad person like I only cared for myself. The boundaries I have set in my life where not being met. I was compromising my own believes and values witch made me lose myself. How can I care for anyone if I don’t like myself? So I have put myself on a new path. I always thought my search for happiness started with someone that would make me feel good. I was wrong. It started with me. I have been left with a mound of debt, a four year old, a company that has suffered threw a bad recession, suffering a loss of my ex and running a house hold on my own. I still feel better than I did before when I was with her. At least I am not living a lie anymore. We are trying to make since of how a drug addict thinks. Does that make us the crazy ones? Trying to stay with her for our son was a mistake. Now he had two messed up people in his life. I want to teach my son how to be a man and I was not being a good roll model. Some hard decisions had to be made putting them off was the worst thing I could do. Compromising what I want could not be an option anymore. Searching threw her stuff behind her back when I already knew the truth just made me crazy. When she left I started to feel jealous like she was going to be with another guy. Now when I think about it if she is with another guy there is no way in hell that she is giving him what I wanted. I don’t know what the future holds but I have to say that I am excited for my new life. I have so much more to tell but I am afraid if I make my posts to long you guys will not read them.

Mike,
Your post makes so much sense. I can relate to what you are saying. It does make us the crazy ones. I truly believe that now. My fiance's meth use has driven me crazy. I knew he was using, but found myself checking his phone to confirm what I already knew. Checking his billfold and finding it in there. Staying up late just to try to keep up with him, knowing I had to go to work...AND i didn't use meth to get through my day! I think what I hate the most is being alone so much. We are in the same house, but I AM ALONE!! He never watches a movie with me anymore. He plays his video games. I have to go to the bedroom to watch tv. I get no conversation. But if a friend calls...oh wow....he can talk to them.He breaks my heart every minute of every day.
Anyway..I'm so thrilled to hear you are doing so well. I'm glad to hear you found your inner strength and a peace to continue on with your life for you and your son. I don't blame you....I would never take her back either. Most addicts do start back. My fiance did. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have given him a second look....little on my heart

Mike

great to hear that u have worked out a resolution to your problem that enables u to move on and take charge of what u need in your life at this moment, im glad u could make the choice based on facts rather than continuing to react to situations u found yourself in, im sure that life is going to be tough for a while but at least u are now the one in charge of your own destiny and heading for a safe harbour where u and your son can move forward with peace
take care
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Congrats Mike! I am happy that you have found strength & courage to keep moving forward with your life. It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. I know I am slowly but surely trying to improve myself. I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do about my husbands drug use, only he is in control of that.....I agree 100% with you dumbfounded! Its odd how much we have in common! I tell my friends that all the time....Yeah I am married but I feel all alone sometimes....I want to thank you domestic also for always being here & showing the love & support :)!

Mindy

mindy

its the feeling of being alone that slowly stiffles any affection u might have had, the lure of the powder is far more powerful than u and its easy for others to judge and say well if u do this that and the other untill u have walked those lonely streets no one knows about the anguish we all go thru

stay strong and keep posting

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Wow allot of drama this week. I am having a hard time staying positive. She is now saying she wants to take the kid over night. There is no way I am going to let her do that. She is crazy. She randomly showed up at my house last night. I was already outside and she caught me or else I would have never answered the door. She told me she was off the drugs. Looking at her she was sickly skinny and she had allot of makeup on to cover the sores on her face. She started to demand that she could take our son because she missed him. I told her that I did not trust her and that she could only see him with me and her mother present. She said I am coming to get him in the morning. I told her if she came I would call the police. You will not believe what she said next. She said I will tell them that you hit me and you will go to jail. She had a piece of paper that she wrote that she is getting him and for me to sign it. I told her I had to use the restroom and I called her mother. When I came out side I told her that her mom is on her way. So she left in a hurry. She parked far from my house which was strange. I don’t know what to do. Everyone on both sides of our family’s say do not give her the boy. I don’t have the money to get a lawyer. But it is making it hard for me to go on with my life having a crazy drug addict popping in to give me a hard time. I care for her. I don’t want to take my son away from his mom. She does not see that she is messed up. She thinks I turned everybody against her. She is acting like a crazed maniac. I feel guilty that I get some satisfaction that she is messed up because of how much she has hurt me. Then I worry that my intentions are not valid. I know that it is not all true because I know the situation. But I know there is a part of me that wants to punish her. I know when I was with her that I had unrealistic expectations of her and things would have never worked no matter what. Has anyone dealt with this situation before?

oh hon

im so sorry that things are not going well this weeek but it was too much to expect it to really
the family are quite right u dont give her the boy in the state she is in he doesnt need to be a casulty of the insanity as well as u and her

i can see u have started to slip back into the old pattern again hon and that wont help u at all, have faith can her mum not do something to keep her away unless she is visiting the child at her mums house of something?

its human to want to punish people when they dont come up to our expectations but that isnt realy u the man talking thats the other half of the clone thing escaping again, u and her dont have a shared destruct destiny she has her own and u worked so hard to free yourself dont let her get u back in that position again re read the book look to the family for a bit more suport but stay strong u can do it

i believe in you

so take care

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Thank you for the words. I needed to here that. The thing is now I live my life in fear that she is just going to show up at my house randomly. Her mom and dad have been supportive but now she is threatening them as well. Everyone is afraid of her. I knew she had depression and behavioral problems after I had been dating for awhile. The drugs have made it where she is out of control. All I want is peace. Even though she is messed up she knows how to push my buttons. I guess all I can do is to move forward and not let her coming around affect me. I notice I feel better when I haven’t herd from her for awhile. But I am always dreading the day that she is going to call. I guess I have to think it is what it is. There is no easy way to deal with this situation. I think I am looking for an easy way out but there just isn’t one. All I can do is take it day by day and hope for the better tomorrow. Thank you again for responding.

mike

ok its deep breath time and im sure that u know its just another reaction in the game of being caught in the circumstances

yes she is becoming abusive but u can do things about that a restraining order that means the police will pick her up when she is coming around, and this can go for her parents as well, is easy for her to install fear but u need to just spend a minute thinking about it logically
would her parents be supporting u with the boy if they didnt believe he was in the best place with u?
u suggest that u sit down with her parents and then u can all get a plan in place
if u get a restraining order and arrange a time for her to see the boy when his parents are present no one woudl think u are doing anything but trying to do the best for everyone concerned

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Mike, You are so valid for feeling everything you do. She is a crazed maniac! I am so going through the same thing with my fiance. We don't have a child together, but he is blaming me for everything. I love him so and am trying so hard. He keeps telling me he is quitting. I left him. He broke down, cried and said he was destroyed; that I left him when he needed me the most. So I returned. He hasn't quit. He has only gotten a bit sneakier at trying to hide it. However, I do talk to people in here on other ex addicts I happen to know. They tell me where to look and what to look for. Well I just found a pipe, a hulled out light bulb, and hulled out ink pen screwed in the top of a very bottom cabinet in the bathroom where I keep the towels. I found it by accident. I was straightening up the towels because they were messed up and boom....there it was!!!! I knew he was spending a lot of time in the bathroom. I mean no one can **** that much! He must keep the meth in his pocket. Just yesterday he told me yet again he would quit cold turkey. Yeah right! Honestly folks, I'm fooling myself aren't I? Anyway Mike, I would never let my child go with her either. My fiance has a son that lives with us. I am the one that takes care of him. Yet, he doesn't see that. My fiance also wants to accuse me of cheating. Sounds to me like he might have a bit of guilt going on.

Anyway....You know deep down you ARE doing the right thing. I know my day is coming and I will leave for good. I just hate to leave his son with no one. Even his mom does drugs. I don't know whether to confront him about the pipe and stuff or not. But, you keep your chin up and your spirits up Mike. You seem to be a great person. Wish I could meet a great person that really cared and was drug free. SO where do you live?? LOL ;D Best of luck and lots of prayers for you!! Hang in there!!!