I joined this site yesterday and I am hesitant to write. Not because I don't have a story, but because I feel that everybody elses problems are more important. I am telling myself that it is ok to share and that my story matters too. So here I go with great anxiety!!
I am a mom of 2 little kids, a wife of 9+yrs and I am 33 yrs old (although in my head I am much younger:)). I remember being in kindergarten and feeling bigger than the other kids, but looking at pictures I now realise that I wasn't. I remember being told not to have that 2nd helping at meals and being compared in size to my cousins. I remember watching my parents dieting before vacations to look good in bathing suits, or their fad diets before reunions or weddings. There was a constant talk about size in my house. (When we visit now, weight and food is still the number 1 topic in that house!) I was always self conscious about my size!
When I was 16 I was babysitting at a neighbors house. I was eating lunch with the kids (it's funny, but I actually remember the food), afterwards was the first time I was panicky about the food that was consumed. I remember rushing the kids to their naps and for the 1st time purging. I remember feeling confused about what I did, but I was exhilerated and in control. For the first and last time I was in total control!! From there the binges, the purges, the restricting, the laxatives, the pills and whatever else you can think of to lose became extreme. My mom asked me twice if I was bulimic. Once when she found me purging and once when a friend of mine told her. Of course, I denied it! I was afraid of getting in trouble (funny to think of that now). My brother was also bulimic and anorexic due to being a wrestler, but that was never discussed but accepted due to having to make weight for the team.
I never got thin enough, and I never felt comfortable with who I was. When it came time for college I allowed my parents to talk me out of my dream and to go to a community college, because they did not want me moving away! So I have a degree, but not in what I want.
Early into the relationship with my husband he knew of the Eating disorder, but once it was brought up it was never discussed again. He refuses to talk about it! I have stopped 2 times in my life and that was while I was pregnant. By that I mean every day. I still counted calories and had an occational purge, but overall that was the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.
Currently, I have purged one time in eight months. But, that was last month and since then that voice (that stupid ED voice) is back and stronger than ever! I am counting calories, exercising at extremes, and not swallowing all food that is chewed. I need to get healthy for my son and daughter. I need to be a better role model for them, than I had with body image and food.
My husband feels that if the ED is not talked about then it is not a problem. I did try twice talking to him about it in the last month, but the subject was changed. I do have 1 friend that I discuss stuff with and he is mad right now, because I told him that I will go to counseling soon. Soon meaning after I lose more weight, because I do not want her to laugh me out of the office. I do not feel thin enough to ask for help yet! The disorder is not at the extreme that it was, so I am ok. Right?
This is where I am now and I do not know what to do. I am sorry that I wrote a short novel. But, I appreciate you taking the time to read this and to offer any advice that you have. Thanks!