While brushing my teeth today, I got a feeling of oddness...fear...nearly...then all these questions kept coming...
-what if food no longer is an issue with me?
-what if I feel ok with myself?
-what if I stop burying all my feelings?
-what if i look in the mirror and think ya look "grand"?
-what if I'm just me?
Those questions and thoughts scared me so much I couldn't think any furthur about them.
Is this a sign of recovery...or a sign that i don't want to recover?
I didn't eat, but I am feeling terribly confused about it...isn't being ED free a good thing? Don't I want to be happy? Has anyone else been through this?
I think its fear of recovery. When ed has been there so long we start to fear our identity without him. But you are NOT your eating disoeder, it does NOT define who you are!
Thanks Lilac,
I think it was the fact that i was looking in the mirror at the time and it just hit me...what if everything I was carrying just went and I was just me? How would that work?
It was pretty scary...I don't have any plans to fight recovery it's just it's like going into a state of nothingness or something.
Love to you, hope you are having a good day
Moongal x
It's so weird to say it...I never understood it...it's not that we want the ED either, it's like the ED fills an emptiness...so will there be a certain void without it. Ugh...ED's suck!
I know you can do it too...you are a kind, strong person.
This is a sign that you want to recover but are afraid to.
You hitting this stage is a good sign. It's a recovery step toward the unknown.
I'm going thru the same thing. Here's my results so far to your statements.
- what if food no longer is an issue with me. So far with this one, I am not thinking about food near as much. Almost not thinking about it at all. I feel a calm freedom. Nothing overwhelming. Just calm about food not bothering me. I'm starting to set binge money aside. My bunny rabbit Oliver can get neutered next month now. And I can eventually buy furniture.
- I feel ok with myself and it is pleasant. I'm not happy about being over weight. But I accept and am happy of the person I am. And I feel a big relief. A big weight and burdon lifted from my shoulders.
- What if I stop burying all my feelings? You are gonna feel a lot of burried pain. You cry it out. It doesn't hurt forever. You'll feel emotions you never knew you had. Eventually you will get use to feeling them and you will no longer be bothered when you do feel them. it takes time.
- When you look in the mirror and feel grand. It's scary at first. Then you become proud of yourself, and happy you did good.
- What if I'm just me? In the end you are gonna love you. It can't go any other way "than" that. You'll see.
Hey Bunny,
Wow! You seem to be going from strength to strength. I’m not engaging with food as much either, I’m not worrying about it so much, it’s just something that is there…ya know…I’m engaging with my feelings much more…which is a painful but i know it will be worth it.
It’s a lot of anger so I find myself stomping it out and scribbling bad words in my journal but it’s better getting them out.
It is scary to feel alright and I think that people without an ED could find this hard to comprehend. I still find accepting loving me really hard but I’ll get there.
Ah that’s so great about getting furniture and your Bunny, I totally understand the joy of pets, mine is nudging my here “give me attention, love me, stop typing and rub my belly”…she is an extremely demanding doggie, but I love her.
Hope you have a fantastic day
Love to you
Moongal x
i agree too we cant do anything but love what we see in the mirror one day
i was walking down the street one day downtown and through the reflections of the building i saw myself and thought that's a pretty lady and you know what i was right i am a pretty lady
ED lies so much he makes me think im hungry when i'm not, he tells me i'm overweight and ugly, he tells me i need to stop eating, then he tells me that today i've been good enough to eat whatever i want. he's such a liar!
if i stop burying all my feelings then i will have an even bigger mouth than i already do but i will not hide behind my food anymore and i love that thought
if food would no longer be everything to me then i could spend so much more time with my family and friends and on myself and getting more and more goals met.
its such an odd thing how i've listened to him for so long that he is almost my gauge of what's right and wrong. but now that i'm divorcing him i'm relying on my own feelings and emotions. im ready to be in charge.
Hey Browngirl,
I used to think OMG food to cover feelings…what a cliche…but if you are brave enough to go in there and feel those feelings…it’s amazing how much better you feel.
I am so glad that you find yourself liking what you see. I have not got there yet…I’ve stopped completely avoiding mirrors so that is a step in the right direction.
Good luck with the divorce
Love to you hun, hope you have a great day
Moongal x
Ive had a few experiences such as the one that you described about seeing your reflection and not even realizing its you. For me, its mostly when photos are taken and when friends post them on facebook for instance, I will look and think, I know I was there, where the hell am i in that photo?
Or I remember recently being in a clothing store and having to come out of the change room to look at the mirror, it was crowded and there were a few other women looking in the mirror, and i kept looking at myself thinking what is that women staring at?! It was me!!! ED does freaky crap to every aspect of our lives....but know that you are beautiful and will prevail :)
I often find myself wondering--and worrying--about who I am without the eating disorder. I know this sounds sick, but at this point in my recovery I'm really not willing to give it up entirely. I think I'll get there--eventually. But I'm definitely not there yet. I want to learn to control it--transform it from a raging dragon to a cute little gremlin I can keep in a cage. But deep down I know that's not possible.
Finding out who you are without the ED--what it feels like to be okay again, what it's like to feel alright, how it is to like yourself--is a very long process, I think. But one thing I've learned is that if you trust the process and go along with it, you end up happier in the end. You may not be happy about the destination when you set out, but you certainly are when you get there. I hope that makes sense.
Sorry for the ramble; I realize this post got a little off topic. However, I think I kind of needed to get that off my chest, and I hope it helps in some measure.
Truelmage,
Lastnight i was thinking/feeling and the way i figure it, the ED is filling the hole, the pain…if you will…without the ED what will there be…nothing? Seems pretty scary.
Ya I’m glad I’m here and figuring out who I am, and actually who i am seems to be completely different to who I thought i was…that’s really weird isn’t it. And different things from the past that i genuinely figured didn’t hurt me, really really did.
It did really help
i hope you have a really great day…and you won’t even need that gremlin hun, because the only thing you’ll need…is you…as a whole.
Wow Moongal, I got chills reading your post and follow-up comments. Amazing! I absolutely think that it's a sign of recovery which makes me so happy for you. I am just over-joyed that you are so well on your way and just a pebbles throw away from total and complete recovery. I know what a long journey this has been for you.
Thanks Puppy,
There is still a lot of work to be done, but it feels good to be this far. Last week was best week of not binging…although I had a small slip…it wasn’t about concentrating on not eating…it was about just feeling the feelings…it was hard emotionally but I know it was better for me.
I realise now I’ve a lot of work to do, but stopping denying the emotions with food is great and I feel so much more alive, even as painful as they can be, by just feeling the feelings.
Love to you
Moongal x
PS It’s so great hearing from you, missed you loads
Recovery is an unknown, and while the eating disorder is horrible, it is a 'known'...it feels safer in a strange sort of way.
Not knowing how you will 'be' or live without the eating disorder is a common and very powerful issue. I believe that you must focus on each step instead of trying to figure the long term out. As you work your recovery, hopefully with guidance, you will begin to identify who you ARE, without the eating disorder. The pieces will fall into place, but not without continued movement, and taking risks to replace the old dysfunctional behaviors.
It's scary, but I PROMISE that the freedom that comes with full recovery is worth facing all of the fears. You will not feel the need to know exactly who you are, because you will be content with it, whatever.
One day at a time....believe in yourself!! HUGS...Jan ♥
Hey Jan,
Thank you so much for kind words. My therapist is working wonders, and I've develed quite deep into memories I never knew I had, battles as a child I thought I had forgotten.
It is weird not having the focus on the food but it will be fine this is recovery after all.
MG...it truly IS weird to find yourself focusing on things other than food...yes, it is recovery, and believe it or not, you will not be thinking about food/weight, etc., constantly for the rest of your life!! Yay!
When I was still in therapy, I was often reminded that if I didn't feel like what I was doing was hard or challenging, I probably wasn't working hard enough! That may not always apply, but it certainly caused me to think about things in a different way! Take care...Jan ♥
Hey Jan,
Ya today in fact a thing came up from my past…a painful memory of a puppy love I had cheating on me like 15 years ago…turns out now the guy and the girl he cheated with are now going out (I found that out today, it just came up in random convo at work).
But anyway he cheated on me 12 years ago…but like a lot of things from your past, i has it buried. I automatically clicked into “how do I feel about this?” instead of brushing it off…because my feeling ARE valid and ARE important.
Also coming in from work, I asked myself what will have to eat…then I had to re think…wait am I really hungry or is this a come home = eat situation?..I decided to journal for a while first, turns out I wasn’t hungry after all…go figure.
All these little things I am doing mean so much to me, and it is every small thing that counts when it feels like your battling a dragon…it turns out you just have to listen to your soul.
