What's Happening to Me I Just Need Someone to Listen

I’ve always had a pretty good life. My parents are still together, I have a sister who’s only two years younger than me and we get on great. In fact, we are more like best friends. As a family, we all have our arguments and annoy each other but it’s nothing major to worry about.

I was never popular in primary school, in fact, far from it, but I was never disliked there or anything. I had a few friends and that was all I needed. I always got good grades and marks on everything and always had a pretty good report. I wasn’t extremely loud and ***** but I had more confidence than I do today.

That’s when everything changed. My mum actually wanted me to go to a grammar school. I wasn’t keen on the idea because it meant travelling there on a coach and then I wouldn’t have gotten home until late. I also dreaded the thought of not being good enough. So I took the 11+ and failed on my literacy because I didn’t complete the paper.

However, I really wanted to go to the local comprehensive school and was really looking forward to it. I was in the top group and was practically top of the class for everything. But then, when I tried to make friends, I got in with a group of about ten girls. That’s when the bullying started.

“We don’t want you in our group. We’re not your friends.”

That happened when I was 11. I’m now 17 and it still hurts just typing that sentence out, one of the girl’s exact words that she used. That’s when my confidence and self esteem really took a knock. I always thought myself as a likeable person. Level headed, focussed, yet fun and bubbly to be around. Obviously not. And that’s where the trouble started. I wasn’t liked and I had to find a new group. I didn’t really fit in with that group anyway so maybe it was for the best. But it continued to haunt me.

That night, I went home and I looked in the mirror. What if they didn’t like me because I was too quiet? What if they didn’t like me because I’m fat? What if they didn’t like me because I’m ugly? What if they didn’t like me because I’m not ... and that’s when I used the word ... perfect?

So, I went on a diet. Anyway, my mum always used to do my breakfast in the morning and prepare my lunch for the afternoon at school. I had a small bowl of cereal at breakfast, a sandwich and a piece of fruit at lunch time and then dinner in the evening, which was always something healthy anyway.

The pounds began falling off, but only because I take after my dad and can lose weight quickly, not that it made any difference to anyone at school, so instead, I tried a different approach. I threw away my breakfast in the morning and replaced it with fruit. I only had half of my lunch at school and then at dinner time, came the stupid part.

I’m not stupid. I get that if you starve yourself, your organs shut down. They stop working and eventually, you’ll die. I get that making yourself sick is hurting your body, slowly killing yourself because you don’t get the nutrients you need.

Do you think it could stop me?

Of course it couldn’t, because I didn’t care. As long as I was thin and losing weight, I was happy. After a few days, and only managing to bring bits of food up anyway, my mum followed me up to the bathroom one night. She knocked on the door and asked me if I was making myself sick. I even remember asking her if my sister was downstairs. I didn’t want her to know what I was doing. She was nine. I know I wasn’t much older but she doesn’t have to worry about her body, she’s gorgeous (we’ll come to that later on). Luckily, my sister was downstairs but for me, the game was up. I confessed to my mum what I was doing but I never told her about the bullying.

For a week, my mum and dad watched me eat and wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom afterwards. That was torture for me but they soon forgot about it and I was restricting again.

Eventually, things got better but then I reached the age of fourteen and although I realise now it wasn’t, I fell in love.

I got to know him really well and he was in 6th form but helped out in the library at the school so that’s where I spent my break times and lunch times. Unhealthy, I know but I just did. Eventually, we got quite close and we were always talking and I lapsed back into not eating again, convinced I was fat and would never be good enough for him.

Of course, my friend noticed and I had already told her everything beforehand so she decided to tell this guy. Unbeknown to me, the only reason he was so worried about me was because his current girlfriend, who I found out he had was by one of ex-bullies, was anorexic and had been in and out of hospital for quite some time. He was worried about me and had told a senior staff member and you may have guessed it. Because I was under eighteen and a child, they phoned home, telling my dad everything (which I was unaware of until a lot later on).

When my mum came home from work that night, he told her what had happened and they dished up dinner. I picked at it as per usual and when I asked them if I could leave something, they both said ‘no.’ Instantly, I realised something was wrong and I wondered if my friend who had told the guy had also told my sister seeing as she attended the same school as me.

Later that night, my mum pulled out a box of maltesers. I was so hungry that I couldn’t resist and I began eating one after the other. Then I went to the bathroom and I knew exactly what I was going to do, until I heard a creak outside – my mum. I opened the door and asked her what she was doing. She lied, saying that she wanted to check that I was okay but I knew something wasn’t right and so I left it. I felt terrible. I had eaten that much and I couldn’t throw it back up.

Anyway, my mum then confronted me and so did my dad. Instead of approaching the subject calmly, my mum told me I was attention seeking because I wanted this guy to notice me. My dad, as usual, just agreed with her. He then spoke to me and asked me why I would even do it. I told them how I felt but they just brushed it off.

I considered self harm. I was extremely upset one day, going through my eating habits alone with nobody to talk to and there was a pair of scissors lying about. I went to self harm but I was stopped by the automatic thought of blood and the scars and the idea of getting caught.

When I was fifteen, I tried smoking to suppress my appetite. My dad went mental because my granddad died of lung cancer through smoking but my mum did twig what was happening. She asked me if I was smoking to lose weight and when I told her that that was the reason, she asked me what would happen when I stop smoking – I would put all the weight back on. That plan didn’t last very long.

I’m now 17 and fluctuate when it comes to eating. I’m always on a diet, starving myself but sometimes, I may eat quite a bit and then starve afterwards or work it off. It’s frustrating because I know it’s wrong yet, who do I talk to? My parents? As if they’d listen to me, because in their opinion, I’m just an attention seeker. I would class it more as an acceptance seeker because I wanted people to actually accept me for who I am but they don’t.

I went to self esteem classes when I was at school but that did nothing because I think counselling would work better for me.

I’ve never had a proper boyfriend and some people seem to think it’s weird that I don’t want to lose my virginity to a guy until I’ve been in a proper relationship with him. I think the main reason I want to do that is because of my body issues but also because I want to feel special and loved and appreciated properly by a guy. It’s not what I deserve. I’m fat, ugly, useless, worthless, and unattractive, out of control on everything else in my life ... but I can only lose it once and I’m always so full of regrets that I don’t want to be when that happens.

I’ve always been a perfectionist. I was even nicknamed that by my group of friends. It’s not too bad being called that but sometimes, it’s annoying. I left school with the following GCSE’s: A* 6A’s 2B’s 3C’s.

My sister doesn’t give a **** about her education and it’s not like my mum and dad are that bothered about her doing well. If she passes, they’ll be proud but unlike me, if she fails, they won’t see it as being the end of the world.

It sounds terrible what I’m about to say because my mum and dad love us both the same and give us both the same too. But, especially my mum, I think they favourtise my sister. She’s got ginger hair which is unusual too so they love that about her. Me? I’ve got thin, blonde hair. They have a go at me for saving too much money in my back account. I keep it in there in case something tragic happens. But then my sister spends all of hers on clothes. They don’t understand that I don’t like clothes shopping because I don’t like going through the sizes and trying them on. If I see something nice, I know for a fact it will look good on anyone else but me. I don’t deserve nice, new things, so why should I buy them?

I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, such as an eating disorder.

I often do some online tests, including eating disorders (which always tells me that I should probably seek medical help due to the high score), depression tests (which tell me that I am suffering from mild depression) & OCD tests (that tell me I have OCD & OCPD).

I’m just very confused at the moment because sometimes I do feel really upset and down and I do think I have OCD. I eat my food in a specific order, in sections also, I tap the fridge door 11 times (the age of my dog) in case anything happens. I also tap the front and back door and constantly check that it’s shut and locked properly.

I just want someone to listen and I want someone to talk to. Sorry for the long post by the way. Any replies would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

First of all - hugs to you for being so brave to share your struggles! It is a very difficult thing to do - admit that you are flawed. But that's what makes everyone here so awesome! We are all flawed and not ashamed to admit it!
As far as the "perfect" girls, do you know why they bullied you??? Because they were not stong enough to admit their own flaws. Instead they had to wear a facade of perfection, putting others down to make themselves feel better. When in actuality they are frightened, shallow and pathetic!

"You are BEAUTIFUL no matter what they, their words can't bring you down. So don't you let 'em bring you down today!"

I took part in a web "thing" to tell your story in 6 words on www.TWLOHA.com

Want to know what I wrote?
"ONCE FELT WORTHLESS. REALIZED I'M PRICELESS"

Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me.

It's just so frustrating that my parents don't believe me & because of that, I can't talk to them about anything. Even if we're all watching the tv and there's a mention of eating disorders, I just feel so ashamed & emabrrassed & feel as though maybe they're right to not worry about me because what I'm doing is right.

I have wondered if they're in denial but I don't know. I know that they love me, I guess. Do they love me if they can't help me address my problem?

Half of the stuff I feel, I could never talk to them about because it is about them & how I do feel like I'm the odd one out in the family. I always have been. I'm the most intelligent, have low self esteem & no confidence, I really love reading & writing fanfiction but my parents say it's stupid and ridiculous & act like it's a crime that writing is my hobby.

Like I mentioned in my post, my sister is always praised for her hair colour & it's not that I'm jealous but it's almost like I'm not noticed for anything I do, maybe because it's not perfect enough.

I'm currently studying childcare & education at college & my parents made it clear that I don't have to get a job whilst I'm studying. When I get to 18, & without being big headed, I am going to pass the course, then I will look for work but my mum acts as though I'm never going to work because I can't be bothered. My sister wants to leave school & get a job. She couldn't care less what she does. I do.

I'll make no secret about it, but I want to typically grow up, get married & have children. When I have children, I want to stay at home & look after them. Obviously then I won't be able to work, but hopefully, my future husband would be able to. Obviously, my life might not plan out like that but it's a fantasy that I have. My mum treats me as though I'm never going to get a job in my life.

I'm just so confused at the moment & although I feel like my eating is in control, my life isn't because everything else around me seems to be falling apart.

Confused,

Thank you so much sharing. My heart goes out to you and I just wish I could give you a great big hug.
I think you've made great progress by coming onto this site to seek some help. It's the first step.
You seem to be doing a lot of your struggling on your own, much like I have done, and I just want you to know that while it can get lonely, it is possible :)

Your parents are a hard situation to tackle, as they, like many people don't understand the seriousness of this illness. I think the best thing for you to do was seek help from a Eating Disorder...where do you live? There are lots of places and resources to find. I think maybe once you start talking to a counselor, and perhaps see a doctor for the OCD and depression, then your parents may understand better, and you can also explain it better.

But the biggest question of all is: Are you ready for recovery? Because believe me, you have not yet got to experience what life is.

Remember: "Flowers grow out of darker moments"

Message me anytime dear,
-Paige xoxo

you do not have to live this way. i too, experience a lot of what you wrote, the low self esteem, the perfectionism, even the complete rejection from people i loved and adored. i was anorexic for 13 years and started recovery last december. trust me, you do not want to live like this, you do not want to die. i was hospitalized for a year from anorexia where i could not walk, eat, move my arms -legs, my hair feel out, i could barley sit up. nurses had to give me showers cause i was too weak. imagine the embarrassment! imagine! i did almost die, but pulled out of it. i do beleive you can too, or else you wouldnt have taken this first step---but the question is--do you want to live? do you want recovery? do you want to be free? and love yourself not for a dress size, but who you are? granted, recovery is not easy and i had a hard time this last 2 weeks--but overall it is invaluable--your life---to love yourself and be free of calorie counting , killing yourself and self hate. it is not way to live! dont you want to live a life that is rich in color and love yourself and be free? i really do hope you seek treatment / help/ or therapy cause it is hard to do this alone.

trust me---i can relate to the rejection factor--not only was i abused horribly by my parents but half of all my freinds --just betrayed me--stabbed me in the back --for no good reason! and yes it did make me question myself. am i unlovable or a horrible person? could anyone love me? but that was their fault and not mine as it also wasnt your fault. to hell with those people, you need not please anyone but YOURSELF. it is taking me a while to trust others, i even stopped making freinds cause i got so hurt, but im going to therapy now to resolve these issues and id love to have a freind one day. i mean, i have many on here...but id love to socialize more ...i get so scared..

so i can relate to you, and all i can say is please get help..you do not deserve this torture--adn please write again.

love
maureen

Thank you for your replies.

In answer to the question about where I live, I live in the UK, Kent. My mum actually works at a doctor surgery so making an appointment with a doctor is out of the question because she does have access to my notes which is never good. Although sometimes I feel as though maybe I should go, just so as she might have to file them and find out the hell that I go through and maybe then she'll believe me. Because seriously, I do wonder what it takes. I think even if I became underweight & was diagnosed with an eating disorder, even then she'd think I'm attention seeking and I hate talking about her like that because I love her & I don't doubt her love for me but it hurts that she can think something like that herself.

I do really want to talk to someone professional but I don't know how to even get access to counselling. I fear that I'm going to be judged. I am considering seeing if there's any counselling sessions that I can attend at my college when I return in September because then my mum won't be able to find out but I still worry that it's going to affect my relationship with other people, because let's face it, I am a perfectionist and don't have friends.

Once before, on our first diary task, everyone found it difficult. Me? I got 20 out of 20 - the best diary my tutor has ever seen & he said that in front of the class - that was embarrassing for me & I have spoken to my tutor about my self esteem issues & he finds it shocking how I can perform well at work but am shy and not confident. He was really supportive because he even told me he would pull back a bit to try and help me, just not completely withdraw me from class presentations and stuff which has helped a lot more. He has said that he wants me to go far and he doesn't want to see me quit the course (which I considered doing).

Anyway, when my tutor was bigging me up & I had the highest grade, a girl, who I hang around with & is clearly not a good friend, whispered to another girl ... "I'd hate to know everything."

That hurt. I don't know everything. I want to know everything & I apologise if I listen in class and actually try my hardest to get work absolutely perfect.

Thank you once again for your replies.

First of all can I say if you are seeking help DO NOT make yourself underweight. Many people do that, I myself am guilty (though admittedly at the weight I was at before I should have been hospitalized anyways).
Regardless, DO NOT do that.
I know you’re scared of your mother finding out, but do you really want that to keep you from EVER getting better? Is one person worth keeping you from freedom and happiness? If you really let her into your life, and explain why you developed this illness, she would NOT think you were trying to seek attention.

This is a link I found to a counselor in Kent:
http://www.eating-disorders.org.uk/counsellors_Results.php?S_county_country=Kent&S_postcode=&Search.x=35&Search.y=17&Search=Search&WADbSearch1=Submit

Counselors never judge you. They are usually quite neutral, and really help. I tell my counselor all of my feelings, and she often helps me combat them. But if I don’t share everything I find myself going south. A counselor would be terrific for you.

You could also try links such as:
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home

I wish you all the best. You are never alone <3

Oh sweet Confused! You are like a young butterfly! You have no idea how precious you are! You sound like me "the smart odd-ball of the family".
A question you asked early on was if you parents loved you even if they couldn't address your problem. I believe the answer is yes.
Having been a foster mom, I can tell you children do not come with instructions. I can't tell you how many times, as a parent I felt lost in trying to address my children's needs. Three dysfuntional children from a severely dysfuntional family was at times more than I was equipped to deal with.
As far as counselling goes, you should have access to someone on campus if mnot the school can direct you and as for embarassment - I'm sure you are not the first at the school to ask nor will you be the last.
I had a hard time accepting that I needed to be in therapy. I thought the same thing, that I was going to be judged.
It could not have been further from the truth! I was not judged, but listened to! Someone finally had heard and understood me! I remember walking out of my first session, getting into my car and crying for about 10 mins in the parking lot. I got such relief as if everything I had been carring on my shoulders was falling to the ground and freeing me!
Therapy is awesome! And there is no shame in it!
You obviously feel that help is needed - so seek it out. And as for those b*tches who bully you....learn to swear at them in a foreign language...they will have no comeback for that! (WINK!)
Love ya girl!

Yes, I definitely feel like the odd one out in my family. They think there's more to life than getting good grades & stuff. I know deep down they love me but wow, do they like to moan. & although my mum doesn't always realise it, she really puts me down & hurts me. Whenever she says that im never gonna end up working & getting a job, I don't think she knows how much it annoys me & upsets me.

Thank you for the link. I do really want to speak to someone but I feel that nobody would think there was a problem because I am clinically at a healthy weight. I'm only basing it on how I feel around food. The last time I purged was over a month ago & although I hate doing it, I felt amazing afterwards.

I do always think if this was addressed when I was 11, then maybe it would have been better because it's always there, whether it's pushed to the back of my mind or not, it's always there.

Confused,

Of course there is a problem. Just because someone is at a healthy weight doesn't mean there isn't something wrong mentally. This is a MENTAL illness. You're lucky you are not underweight! It just means one less step for you to have to take in recovery. Some people live with an ED their whole life, but they may never get hospitalized.
If you explain to a counselor what you have told us all on here, they will be MORE than willing to help you with your feelings.

Reach out and you'll find what you need

xoxo

Thank you for your help.

I've had a horrible day, a really, really crap day. I feel completely useless, worhtless, fat, ugly & dead within myself.

What I am about to say is taking a lot of courage for me & I hate myself for even thinking about it & wanting to do it but I thought about self harming. Just cutting myself to feel a different type of pain. It keeps playing on my mind - how good I would feel afterwards, how much better I will feel.

I hate myself so much! I don't deserve to live on this planet.

Oh sweetheart! I know so much how you feel! I have cut myself before to take the ache from my heart, but when all is said and done the ache remains. You really need to get professional help. And if you think you are going to hurt yourself, go to the emergency room immediately.

Somewhere, somehow someone has put it into your head that you are not good enough and it is not true. Self-love is so difficult to do expecially when the view we have of ourselves is so skewed!

I know it is hard to see through the darkness right now, but have courage! Have faith! You are beautiful and wonderful! You will realize that when you can stop looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes!

Please promise you will not hurt yourself and go get help! Promise dear one!

I can't promise anything but as long as I'm kept occupied & not in the house alone then I wouldn't do it. My sister is now 15 & even now, I hate the thought of cutting myself & her finding out or seeing me in a state. I'm the older, sensible sister who's intelligent & helps her with her homework when she can't be bothered to listen in school. She's not thick, just lazy, unlike me. I can be bothered.

But she's so much better than me. She has loads of confidence and high self esteem & although she doesn't exactly love herself or her body, she diets, 'sensibly.' But eating 3 meals a day that are healthy.

I hate myself for my sister knowing that I was making myself sick when I was 11. My mum told her the truth. She was only 9 & she shouldn't have been told that. It was fair on her to hear that I thought I was fat & was going to extreme lengths to control that. But now? She diets often enough & I hate myself & feel like it's all my fault. Nobody believes me in my family & I can't talk to them. It's just so frustrating!

Sweet Confused,

I have been where you are, and I know how you feel; how much you hate yourself and put yourself down.
But it can get better. It will get better. And believe me dear, if you start cutting, it's just one more thing to get over. One more demon to fight off. It's not worth the pain. YOU are better than all of this, and somewhere inside you there's a girl who knows that's true. What you need to work on is bringing her to the surface to fight. Find something that means a lot to you and hold onto it when you're feeling weak and confused.
I haven't cut now for almost 6 months now and I feel better than I ever did while doing it. You think it will make you feel better, but in the end it only makes your depression worse. When I was, I was constantly in a daze. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate on homework, and my social life went from minor to nothing. It was horrible, and I don't want to go back. Have you been diagnosed with depression? An anti-depressant could be a VERY good idea. I had to up my dosage when I started cutting, and it helped out greatly. A counselor is also something that you definitely need now. You NEED someone to talk to, because you are not alone in this fight.

Your health comes before all right now. I know you're scared about your parents bringing you down but you can't let that hold you back from recovery! You can't let a couple people stop you from living the life you deserve! Because you don't deserve this.
Please think really hard about this.

One of my favourite bands sings this...and it really reached out to me: "A feeling's just a feeling till you let it get the best of who you are"

Don't let these feelings take over hun <3 You are strong and beautiful and we're all here for you

I have never been diagnosed with anything. Like I said, my parents were in denial a few years ago about the whole situation & never addressed it. They never took me to the doctors, leading me to believe that what I was doing was right, even though they told me I was stupid & immature & attention seeking, wanting this guy to know me.

I have taken several online tests for OCD & for an eating disorder & they have come back (all of them) saying that I have been advised to speak to a professional.

I have recently taken a few depression tests & they say that I am suffering from mild depression.

A friend of mine suggested Bipolar depression after I described how I was feeling but when I read the information on that, I don't think I have that. It doesn't seem that I am that badly depressed. Just mildly which seems possible.

I did mention a few weeks ago to my mum that I thought I had depression but she didn't take me seriously. First of all she was surprised but then she brushed it off saying that I'm not depressed & she has never mentioned it again, & neither have I.

Self diagnosis isn't the same as going to a doctor. Doctors have access to getting you the help you need.
It will make things harder but if you're mom doesn't want to help you you're going to have to do things yourself. You'll have to make the appointments, and keep up the motivation.

But you have to want it, Confused.

That's the only way anything is ever going to get better and STAY better.

Special I agree.
Confused, how old are you? Are you coonsidered a legal adult where you live?
Sometimes parents CAN'T admit their child has an issue. They are in denial, but it doesn't mean they don't love you, they just have poor coping mechanisms. And you don't always know what's going on with them. Having said that, if they are not supportive then you need to find support elsewhere and a therapist is a good place to start. Hang in there!

I'm 17 & I won't be an adult until June when I am 18. It's just kind of hard because obviously I know that I have a problem but tewlling them will only make things worse. Whereas they class it as attention seeking, I feel as though its more acceptance seeking. I don't want anyone's attention, just acceptance that I am good enough.

You are good enough. YOU just need to realize it. I know - easier said than done.

Ok here is an assignment for you. Tell me 3 good things about you.

I am learning, Confused, that the perspective we have on things in life can make all the difference in the world! Including ourselves.

At 36 I am finally realizing that I do have good qualities and that I am a good person. For so long I have been concentrationg on all the things I should “fix” about myself.

“I should look like her or act like she does or dress like that one.”

Know what I have to say about that now? It’s all bullshit. If I am constantly tring to copy someone else then I will never be me.

And who says if I ever obtained so-called “perfection” I will be any happier? I have to be happy with who I am. You do too.

So again, tell me - 3 good things about you!!!

I hate these sorts of things. I studied Health & Social Care at school & I could always do 3 negative things, just never 3 positives.

1) I'm good at making people laugh, like, I can make jokes & everything & more than anyone, I literally have my sister rolling around on the floor because she laughs at my jokes so much.

Honestly? That is all I can manage. I can't think of anything else that I like about myself or think are good :/