I feel too sick inside to post, whats the point anyways. No one can help me or fix me. Me posting just sounds like a damned pity party. I hate this feeling, I feel like i'm suffocating and crawling out of my own skin. I've tried everything, my group therapy, my therapist. positive affirmation cards, my husband, books, here... I feel so lost and alone. Bogged down with my uncreative self, thick inside my skull. Who the hell cares anymore. I'm sick of living with this empty bliss, this selfishness. I don't know what to do. Even if i did, would i even care at this point? I know I have no one to blame but myself for feeling empty, those around me have tried to help but... I feel like I've abandoned myself completely. There is no hope anymore, i've felt this way for so many years now and i'm sick of it, i want to cut but I won't because of my husband, he is my world. I'm not enough for myself and I never will be. Positive feedback won't do me any good at this point, I'm completely gone from myself. Wish I could just disappear. My thoughts are scraping my skull and my insides are infected. I'm just not enough for me, I can't do this anymore. I feel like i just can't hold on. it's out of control and i feel like I've lost another piece of myself, one more piece that I've never had. I don't know whats triggering this, i do take my meds and go to therapy, but I feel like another number. Just another light that has faded. Wish I could just disappear from myself completely. I am and always will be a failure at everything i do. I can't put on this face anymore, go through the motions. Scense of sanity gone. i have nothing to loose anymore except for my husband and with out him I'd be dead.
Sigh.. I really understand that feeling, I have the same thoughts every single day. My only suggestion is this: put on some depressing music, lock yourself in a room, stay with the thoughts until you pass out. Try to sleep as much as humanly possible right now. There really isn't anything anyone can say to get you out of where you are, only to say that the black sea does have a shore. It's far away, but it has a light house. Now love, please go to sleep...
On a note: You are very far from being uncreative, and you aren't alone. I just finished reading some of the posts you posted and your inner light and beauty shines through in everyone. You can't see it, but all of us here can. I know you said no positive words, but I won't let you sink soulkiss. There's no way in hell you're going down! I will keep you afloat, just hold onto anything you can right now, but you aren't going down girl. It's just not happening, I wont allow it... and secretly, neither will you, that's why you're here and you are still fighting. You, my friend, are not going anywhere so get used to it. =) There is too much love here, we wont let you fall. Now, sleep... it might help. And I always play this song: Thomas Newman- Whisper of a thrill, it's from the joe black soundtrack. Very moving in all of the wrong and right ways. Much love to you soulkiss, from the bottom of my heart.
additional edit: here's the link to the song if you get curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNbaRiZJJQo
You are just a blessing of love, I wish there were more people like you. Thanks for taking the time to share.
ive felt that way too so many times.
and i am so sorry that you feel this way.
but please please dont stop trying.
were all gonna feel that way sometimes
its not perminant though
i promise you
you can get through this
i can get through this
we can get through this
all of us together
ur doing everything u can
it might take a very long time hun
it cant just all go away in a few months sadly
sometimes not even a few years
its going to take a lot of time
which is unfair i know
im only 15 and i feel the same as you do
but try to keep going for urself
for others
for ur husband
for ur friends
for us
for everyone
ur an amazing person and i really wish this wasnt happening to you anymore
just as much as u do
its so painful
describing it is hard and painful too
u give amazing advice and support soulkiss
try doing the same for urself
people have told me to do the same and i know its not as easy as it sounds
its hard
and it takes a lot of strength
but u got to build it up
and you have people who will help u
i promise you things will get better
remember?
were in this together <3
soulkiss
sorry hon not letting u cop out that easily u do have lots of positive words to say, u do have the determination to make it to the other side
would u let me give up? then why would i let u give up?
reach out hon and see those moments we can reach together, look for that beautiful moment in every day, feel the love that surrounds u, so its tough but u can push the negative away, u can push thru the barriers and make a choice, please dont do this to yourself or others we all need you to be here
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
If the only thing you can hold onto right now is the love you and your husband share then concentrate on that. Don't let that out of your sight and slowly while keeping that right in front of you let you vision expand to see the things surrounding your love as well... But grab onto something we need you here.. you are an inspiration and give such great understanding and guidance.
i can relate to her so much minus a husband, you sound like a very caring person, what kinf of advice can you give for someone that is ready for? the same thing my nephew did just last week only i’m lacking the guts.
Soulkiss
In regard "what's the point anymore" you name your husband ... I sense you deeply love him, that just the point don't hurt him, by him lossing you.
I'm listening that you don't know what triggers this... so write down for the few days with this in mind(no material things)...what is it that I want, be detailed and realistic. Also write down what is needed... then if your up to it let me or someone know. Perhaps the meeting of the minds here will come up with some answers.
I also notice the desire to disappear... perhaps you need a break away from something or a small vacation where you can pamper yourself... regroup with some new thoughts,what you want and what you need...If you could change your life... what is the desire you would like to transform it too.
Now you also state "who the hell cares"... I want you too know I do, and a few others here so please come back speak to me/us...
As always I have best wishes for you!
Hi soulkiss, I have felt the way you are before myself. It is hard making it through each day but I hang on in hopes that somewhere down the line the tide will turn and life will get better if I just continue to hang on. Life eventually does get better. Just know that you are not alone. We are all here for you. Keep coming and sharing with us and letting us know how you are doing. I'll say a prayer for you. ((((hugs))))
hmmm, your husbands your world. sounds like the two of you get along quite well. self worth and self esteem is what you are lacing inside of you.
you stated that your a failure at everything you do. well.... what ppl fail to realize and see is : you have contributed much to YOUR well being. it takes courage, guts and desire to keep fighting. i realize it can get tiring.
but there is something that keeps us going, even from the beginning .... what do you think keeps you going. have you not seen all the things YOU have accomplished in your life.
dont be like some ungrateful boss. always putting down and never paying attention to the good things.
its YOU that have carried yourself. you are the one that gets up everyday. your the one that holds a relationship i dont even know you. your a human being.
you are capable of many things. your husband sees the good in you ..... why would you deny yourself the good you posses?
you dont have to be stellar in mind or body to be a good person ...or to have great qualities.
i know you have some. try to steer your mind in another direction ... a mindset that realizes that YOU are a survivor. your capable.
not everything works out for everyone. we have to brush our self off and go after it again.
other ppl see good in you. you need to believe them.
its time to raise the bar on your life. its time to expand your expectations of YOURSELF.
best wishes
odiecom
odiecam
that was a fantastic affirmation written in your words
i hope u appreciate how great u are as well
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
Alway's remeber the Serenity Prayer, and say it outloud, emphasizing every word; "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the thing's I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"
Believer or not, it helps! That is my recommendation,as I have to say it over, over, and over........
Happy Holiday's and be strong my friend.
It really sounds to me like you need to get yourself to your doctor as soon as possible and have your meds cheched and changed. Obviously the stuff you're taking is not cutting the mustard and you need to boost or add or do something about what you are taking. Please don't give up before you try all the options and even after that still wait because these things can leave us as quickly as they came. I hope you feel much better soon and get some satisfaction from the meds you take.
Thank you all for your support I really do appreciate it. It means the world that so many of you care. I'm sorry I abandoned my own post for such a time, I just felt stupid and rediculous after I wrote it. I don't think it's the meds really they have changed them so many times but to no avail. I really am hopeless in that. Can you imagine me without meds? I don't know what to do anymore i don't know where I stand in the world. i feel so confused and it's so hard to go on. I've really been struggling. I can't stop these emotions and then to hear someone say something that hurts you kills more of my soul. Another story really. But I can't help that I make everyone around me miserable, I truly do try. But how can I just bottle it up? They think that just because you take your meds that naturally you should be fine but it isnt the case. i can't breath I'm so exhausted. The sounds of self harm has been tinkering around in my head for a while, but what will that solve. I'll just end up back in the institution where I get no help at all. My doctors know all of this and yet here I still stand, stripped down and cold to the bone.
You are right, it is not fine at all but you have to try, We want to hear how you are and hear how you go through every day! Remember it is physical too actually probably starts there so of course you are exhausted. I found a detox help me really get going on the right track, it has taken another two years to work at keep it on track ,but it wasn’t so hard after the detox. Whether it was my naturopath treatments, sacrio or the ibogaine detox I did, it was all good and without that you just keep spinning- keep the meds but find a solution too. Let us know what happens. The emptiness and muscle hurt is awful, I know I felt dead, have a look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syztZcpj69U&feature=player_embedded
Be well
im guessing you suffer from depression ?
Don't stop, please keep on trying and it will break away- You can be strong. Just the fact that you are trying shows courage. Remember you need to deal with the physical needs first otherwise it becomes impossible for you to control. I had success with ibogaine- look into it. keep working at it=)
soulkiss
hon u might be stripped down and naked BUT the only way is up, so u are having a hard time at the moment, but take a look at all these people and me who are supporting u we know u are not a failure, we know that u are just fed up and down and this is the season to bring it all on, its cold dark and we are shoved for hours together with our famillies and for some of us that isnt a good thing so we get thru it as best we can.
im sure u have at least two positive thoughts to remember over this period even if its only the kids faces as they opened the presents, take that and build on it daily, just hold on to those thoughts and u will soon be moving forward who cares if its baby steps....we dont...nor should u
its the direction of moving that is important not where u go or what u achieve because just by moving u are changing life little by little
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
Thank you Fran, I will do my best to deal with the pain. I will look into ibogaine thank you.
Odiecom I think it's pretty obvious Ideal with more than just simple depression, it's much worse than that. I can't go into details here but I have a bunch of support groups listed that I belong to. I suffer greatly from just simple life.
Kafween, where have you been, we are in this together still, keep posting, I love your support and it brings me great joy to hear from you.
Domestic, i know we've been talking and you have helped me tremendously throughout this whole process, words cannot express my thanks to you.
Miko, thank you for always believing in me no matter what you are a true inspiration, I listened to the song and it was breathtaking. Sleep did do me well as I slept away most of x-mas day.
krisalis, thank you for your support it means so much that you cared to post
woodchuck I loved your idea of a list, that was very good advice i think I'll try to get out of my slump and do just that.
bluidkiti thank you for understanding what it's like to be in my shoes. Thank yu for your hugs and prayers.
Thank you odiecom for your advice, i do need to see the good in myself more. I see the good in others but not myself, it's painful.
Thank you bbm for the serenity prayer I will keep it close to my heart
jon thank you for the advice on the meds, i will talk more with my doctor, i did just recently have a med change so maybe it hasn't had time to take effect yet.
Thank you all for being here and caring about my situation, i really need the support right now as I feel i am drowning, back at the beginning, sinking swimming.
much love and light to you all and thank you again for caring so much
soulkiss
soulkiss
sometimes hon u need to just stop the merrygoroud, i know its hard but sometimes u just need to stop hasseling yourself over what u should be doing and be glad of the things u are doing, they are just as important if not more important than the woulda/shoulda/couldas
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)