When does the depression end? This life I am leading is one I never wanted or expected. Yet, here I am a single mom of 4 young kids. The mommy guilt it tremendous. I feel like such a failure. I gave everything to this marriage and he still needed another woman. We were happy. He was too. I know I’m blessed but I cannot get over the sadness.
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You are not a failure! It is ok to still be sad. There is no timetable for getting over infidelity and divorce. You were dealt a horrible blow and are still trying to recover. I understand how you feel, I am so great full for my kids and that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, that why can’t I just be happy? We are living a life that we never thought we would. My stbx is off living the single life, free from kids, and responsibilities life, and I am cleaning up the wreckage and can’t even use the bathroom in peace. Friday nights and weekends are hard for me, it was time I would have been just hanging out or doing things with my stbx and now it is just me and the kids. I am trying to make new memories with the kids but it is hard. It still feels like my family is no longer intact. Just trying to accept my family is now me and the kids.
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It's a hard adjustment accepting the unacceptable. But this is where we are. We don't have to like it but we have to accept it.
Have you tried DivorceCare? They talk about a lot of the issues. It's hard when you're a single mom to do for yourself while the kids come first. I read some of your back story posts. I'm wondering if you could develop a social life and not worry about the dating thing. Not sure how with covid right now. I tried Parents Without Partners back in the day. Got a babysitter and went to some of the dances they held. It was just a meat market. And most everyone were grandparents, not actual single parents dealing with the day to day. I don't know if there are better chapters of that group nowadays or maybe other legitimate single parent groups. Myself I am trying to develop more friendships and have a good time. It helps that the neighborhood pool is open, but there are no single men there. But I'm enjoying my grandchildren and the people there. Hopefully the right man will come into my life at some point.
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@beth65 I guess I’m just looking for companionship right now. I have friends. But they are all enjoying their families. I just want someone to put his arm around me on the couch or to eat dinner with. I wonder if I will ever get used to this new normal esp with Corona now.
I know exactly how you feel. I gave everything to my stbx and family. I endured a career that yes pays me amazingly well but is a son of a b and just mentally brutal. I was denied a natural promotion and a spot to run a big deal area that was my next natural step based on pending retirements. I was walked around by the retiree and introduced to all these big wigs as his replacement last summer and the big wigs were happy to have me. But if I were to be given that spot, then when my boss retires in a few years, I would be looked at as his replacement. I have no desire to be his replacement. But he has the sniveling butt kisser in mind to replace him. This other guy who begged off the traveling years ago and got it. So while I traveled and missed my family for years, he went to his local office everyday and nurtured his home life. So my boss made up some nonsense about wanting to give that job to our downstate team hundreds of miles away so I couldn’t get it and the promotion that comes with it. I’m already paid very well, I didn’t need or want that promotion. BUT if I were to do that job at my level I’d be setting an entirely new precedent that would hurt our department overall, specifically, people at the lower level can do the higher responsibility work.
So last summer, the Butt kisser came to our satellite office one day. Just me, him and the big boss. And the butt kisser is so arrogant too. So he’s looking out the window and says “maybe I should get an apartment over there for when I have to be here in the future. Nice, right? PS, after denying me that job, my boss begged me to run it anyway last summer as a favor to him, just to rub salt in the wound.
After all of this I was severely depressed. I reached out to the stbx for support but she didn’t provide any, she was “sick” of hearing me “complain” about my job. I had to endure this nonsense alone.
One of the days on the road I had an idea, I would leave this team and go back to my old team hundreds of miles away. Instead of traveling Monday through Thursday up here, I’d travel Monday, work hundreds of miles away but no overnights until Thursday and then come home. So the same travel schedule from the home perspective just a different work life for me. I couldn’t sleep at the hotel one night so I sent this idea to her in text at like 4am because I was depressed, felt trapped and really thought I figured a way out. She was furious with me and accused me of trying to abandon my family.
I’ve endured this and more to make sure my stbx and children had a wonderful life at home while I was miserable on the road. I had a few things every year I thought were important to keep us together and bonding. A fall festival, summer fair, minor league baseball game twice a year, and Sunday church. She grew to resent all of this and accuse me of never doing anything with the family.
I admit the depression from my job story above got to me in the end. I withdrew somewhat and would sit in my room watching tv when I was home but I was always available for anything they needed. But I wasn’t happy. Her withdrawing from me and her change into this social butterfly with a whole new set of friends didn’t help matters either. Then to supplement her new life was the $800 credit card that was run up to $24000 over the last year of this. So I alone had to just “figure it out” she felt entitled to this and since I do the bills she just didn’t care about it at all and figured I’d eventually pay it off.
I miss our 2015-2018 life, before she snapped and before my boss mishandled my situation. I am saddened too that I will be the only divorced sibling in my large immediate family and she thinks this is normal and natural because her trashy alcoholic and drug addict parents got divorced. She keeps thinking I will behave like her deadbeat dad who still owes child support and her and her sister are in their 30s. So instead of paying what he owed he did extra things like always pick them up and drop them off, and I simply won’t be doing that . I wished she would understand her faults, I understood, admitted and fixed mine. To this day she feels she has no part in anything that has happened and it just hurts more.
My children don’t deserve to come from a broken home but I dont deserve this new, mentally unstable version of her either. I don’t need a spouse telling me on my birthday, no when I ask for a date. I don’t need a mother to my children telling me in front of them she needs a bike and when my oldest gets super excited and asks “so we can ride together” she answers “no, so I can ride with my (the gay librarian) friend” and sees nothing wrong with how disappointed her own child was in that response.
So we move on, we were happy too in the past but I know as an individual, as a man I have a lot to offer in a relationship and I plan on doing just that. I worked on improving myself this entire year, I stopped caring so deeply about the future of my job because it really doesn’t matter anymore and that was a great relief to me.
You are not a failure sadinchicago. He is and in my case she is, these are the people who didn’t live up to their vows “in good times and BAD” these are the people who ran away from their commitments and acted irresponsibly when things got difficult instead of showing strength in character and being by the side of the spouse they promised a lifetime commitment to. They are the failures, never forget that.
You will heal, there will probably always be a scar, same with me and everyone here, but you will eventually heal and I truly hope you find someone better down the road who can appreciate you MORESO than the failure you dealt with originally.
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@Mick77 YES!!! standing ovation
I can relate. I was in a road warrior job for the majority of my career and was good at it. But I gave it up so we could start a family. The career change was enjoyable but not as lucrative. I found a niche. But, since I was now a mom, promotion passed me by. It saddened me but he and I were happy. So it was okay. Long story short, he started having an affair with our live-in nanny. She was 1/2 his age. I had no idea. She called us mom and dad. He talked me into quitting my job so I could be with the kids. I took a leap of faith. He kept seeing her unbeknownst to me. The relationship lasted 6 years. Anyway, I left him (took the kids) when I found out. I returned after he begged for us to come home. Turned out he was still with her. I left. He sent her away but was still sending her money. Checks bounced. I caught him and left again. During this separation he picked up with a coworker in India. She’s even younger. But he still wants us back.
There is such sadness in me that I never knew existed. When he became the road warrior, it was okay. I am an army brat, I know the traveling life. I keep wondering what I did wrong that my marriage went to crap. Why does he keep coming back and tormenting me?
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@SadInChicago89 You did nothing.
He’s the one who made that decision, not you.
You deserve much, much better.
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I am sorry you are going through this with your husband. Have you talk to a counselor? Marriage and children are blessings but also hard. Please know you are worthy of love and do not deserve this treatment. However, pray for yourself and your husband to change and God be able to connect you all back together. Your kids need you. Please call this number to talk to someone for support--855-382-5433. I pray that you have peace, love, and support.
You are so NOT a failure! Please do not beat yourself up! Our lives are filled with twists and turns that we never anticipated. You have four young children and you never thought you would be raising them without their father there. You might want to consider asking him to attend counseling with you. It may bring healing to your marriage.....and if it cannot, at least there can be mutual cooperation and a plan in how to raise the kids and support and love them. You need time to grieve. That does not happen overnight. It is a long journey and it is different for everyone. Give yourself the time you need.....but know that working with a counselor can help you sort out the million emotions you must have. Some days, you may feel strong and some days you can't even imagine making it through the morning.
If the marriage cannot be healed, there are a lot of single parent groups. There are divorce care groups. Look into these in your area. Reach out to local churches for support.....this might even be good for the kids as they go through a lot of emotions and adjustments as well. Reach out to trusted family and friends who can love you through this journey. You need love and support and it is good to seek it out. Talk to your doctor, he/she may be able to suggest some resources that will help you. Pray for your husband, God hears our every word. I wish you peace and hope.
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Update: He’s had another affair. This one 9 months long and with a subordinate at work. He’s determined to become a cliche yet again.
@SadInChicago89 in addition to the one you started your post with? I understand feeling guilty because your kids don’t have both parents. My first ex left me 7 months pregnant and it was a struggle for survival and living with my parents most of that time. However the other woman he had another 2 children with, those children who had the home and both parents, the older daughter was completely miserable growing up in that household. My daughter was very thankful to have had the imperfect single mom, with help from loving grandparents, to raise her. She said she wouldn’t change her childhood. I felt guilty leaving her to go to work while others had stay at home moms. But what she remembers most is how happy I was to see her every day when I got home from work.
Your response was perfect. It was what I needed tonight almost a year later so thank you. Ive been doing well until now. Can’t sleep tonight because of the dreams.