When is it ok to say NO WAY

Well today was my first day with my therapist. She was lovely, very encouraging.

She did mention one thing I have a problem with and that is saying NO. This doesn't come as a shock to me - I know I am a desperate people pleaser.
And in my last relationship, I had so much trouble uttering a word of rebellion that I kept it all in until it started rotting inside me...this does not surprise me either, as I believe I was scared, scared if I said anything he would leave. (I'm over that part now though)

I am still left physically exhausted, even the mere mention of his name and i feel like going to sleep so this is obviously something I need to work on...as I was always under this delusion that relationships were "comprimise"...turns out comprimise took on a whole different meaning for me...more of a "shut up and take it" role.

So when in relationships in life, be it romantic, friendships, family, work, etc is it ok to say no - you are taking too much of me, I do not wish and cannot give you this time and energy?
I mean life isn't always an even see-saw, sometimes people are down and you have to keep pulling them back up, I know because I have been that down person and have needed people there...I thing I am eternally grateful for.

For myself, even though it drains me to help all the time or be the sounding wall, it would be just as emotionally crippling to walk away.

I guess my question is...does anyone else find it so difficult to say enough that it actually impacts their mental health?
Am I acting "the chicken" by not being able to stand up for myself and say look you're my friend/family...etc..but I need a break

Could it be that I go and binge to isolate myself to get that break?....could it ever be that simple?...in some ways it makes complete sense...abondoning people would bring on those feelings of guilt shame, etc which would stimulate a binge...well I think I've more work to do but it's a theory

Sorry about the essay guys...thank God for ye...I'd be lost without this site

Warmest Wishes to you all
Moongal x

I to have a very big difficulty with saying no to anything really. I have a heart of gold and love to help anyone in anyway I can - but at times it has drained me so much and dragged me down and then I felt like a failure! Because its what I do best and would be a very appropriate job for me to go into when I return to work. But with friends and family its a different story as you feel obliged and want to do it but you fall into the trap of constantly helping all others and never youself or very rarely and it can take over your life very quickly before you even realise it. Its not wrong to have these feelings - but I know where your coming from because whatever I do I beat myself up over it no matter what I did or didnt do - its a difficult one but we do have to learn to be more assertive but kind and on occassions when you want to say no di it and dont feel guilty you will be surprised although there mabe an intial pissed off feeling, they will start respecting you more and not taking your kind nature forgranted. I hope you understand what I have wrote and feel that maybe it helped in someway. Keep writing I'd love to hear how you get on. I too end up isolated myself and turning to alternative ways to get away from it all and I know they arent the answer and in all truefulness we shouldnt have to. Be strong, take bite size steps, reflect on your progress and believe in yourself - this is the start of your journey - follow your heart, dreams & ambitions and set goals and achieve all that you have ever wanted to - you deserve to be happy and love living your life! These things will all come in time xxxx

Ah, moongal - you can most definitely look someone in the eye and say "no".Know yourself, and know that you love and you care - but never allow someone else to tell you what the groundrules are. I have no doubt that there are millions of people across this country who are good, honest, loving people who mess up their lives by not saying "no" when they know they need to. Just suggesting to you that "no" is not always a negative response, and that pleasing the crowd can make you a clown.Many blessings to you!

Hey,
Thanks unconditional. I do hide away when I don't feel able to say no. I pretend I'm sick or anything to get away.

I had even made a decision to become a nurse, it was something i had been thinking about for a while. Most of my friends agreed I'd make a good one, as I'm pretty perky and funny, and I'm good with the public, and in general I'm fairly smart so although nursing is tough I think I would be able for it.

But two people questioned my judgement and I find myself questioning the whole idea...is this crazy. I was so excited and now I just feel back to square one again. I can never protest and say well this is my life and I'm happy with my choice, I'll re-examine and bend to others will, until I'm stuck back in the same circle as before...feels like the nature of the beast.

Hope you are doing well. So you start therapy next month. It is such a great start...it is so motivating, it feels like an almost immediate giant leap.

Much love to you
Moongal x

Mmmm... I'm struck by this thought: You always have to say no to somebody. If you say yes to everybody else, then you're always saying no to yourself. And that's not a healthy compromise... ♥ Flight attendants say it all the time... "Attach your own oxygen mask before helping others." If you are depleted and empty from giving to others first, or instead, of yourself, you will soon run out of anything to give. I think you're worth more than that. ♥ Of course, it's easier to say than to do... I tend to say yes far too often, myself! Just remember that it is NOT selfish to give to yourself. To say yes to YOU! Whenever you say yes to someone, you are saying no to someone else...

Love!!

Jen

Hey,
Thanks Jen...ya, relatively speaking how can you give back something you haven't in you.

I do believe helping other people and offering them a safe, warm, comforting enviroment is very rewarding to the giver too. It's striking that balance that is difficult.

There is another guy I am trying to help, I met him on a dating website and even though I have no interest in dating him and he is aware of this and he feels the same about me, we have spoken about our issues. He has admitted he is very low and lonely and I have said he is more than welcome to text or call me any time if he is feeling bad or even just to say hey.

But he keeps making sexual comments towards me though. I have made it very clear that I believe sex is between people who care for one another and sometimes he just calms down and it's fine. And I feel like i'm building his self esteem and letting him know that he's not alone, and then wham...another comment. Am I fighting a losing battle, it is demolorising to try and help someone who is looking at you as sexual prey and to have to explain again and again that you are a friend and what value you place on sex...which I actually feel guilty about, because he gets abit snappy about it. I hate to think of anyone feeling low and even though I don't know him...it's like I feel i want to "fix" him or something.

Maybe it's time to cut him loose, I had the same issue with the ex, maybe it's a case of regression...it's weird as i type I always identify.

Many thanks to you guys
Hope you have found that perfect balance between giving and keeping for yourself

Much love
Moongal x

It sounds like this guy's expectations are different from yours... Hmmm... If you've been clear, then yes, it may be time to cut him loose... Sad... But it's good to stand up for yourself. ♥

Ya, I've made it very clear..I really hate anyone to be lonely, I'm sure a lot of people turn to sex for comfort, it makes sense really. I just figured seems that I didn't know him, it may make it easier to talk about real things.

But he know the text door is open if he's lonely but I've been crystal clear about everything else.

Thanks Jen
MG x

Hi Moongal! Wow, you had quite a big break-through during your therapy session today and a pretty amazing one at that. From your previous posts and comments, I believe that you already knew this, but I don't know that you associated it with your binges. Could it be that once you step away from being in "help" mode, then that's something that you can control and it's "you" time. Just a thought. As a recovered bulimic, I was always told that I did so as it was a form of having some control of my life when other facets of it were falling apart and with which I was miserable.

I am also a big "yes" person. I always want to please everyone and I am always there for all of my friends. I will read emails upon emails and listen to hours of phone calls that are all about them. Maybe I'll get a minute or two in about me here and there, but it's mostly about them for the most part. I am getting to a point now where I am starting to say no or starting to not respond, so that I can focus on myself. I think that the first step is realization that you are doing so and to try and remedy it, and that's what it seems that you are working to do. Good for you!

As well, relationships that are draining and suck the life out of you are negative and should be walked away from if that's their primary and continual theme. I call people that suck the positive energy out of you; energy vampires. Sometimes you don't see them coming and they really do a number on you. Luckily I can identify those types fairly quickly.

I think that you are taking all of the right steps and really tapping into the true realization for your actions and reactions. Keep on this good positive road and you will get to a place of healing and fulfillment so soon.

Sending you tons of good positive energy and always wishing you all of the very best.

I can totally relate to your issue with telling others no. I always beat myself up when I tell people no, but I know if I say yes just to please them I will be miserable because it's something I don't want to do. I still get upset when I tell others no, in fear of disappointing them, but we have to do things for ourselves too. For example, for me when I'm with my grandmother she tries to get me to eat more than I'm comfortable with. If I were to say yes to please her I would feel overstuffed and uncomfortable and possibly want to purge. If I say no, I won't and then won't give into my eating disorder. It's important to put yourself first sometimes- most of the time.

Allee

Hey,
Good phrasing "energy vampires". Ya looking back now, i am a Holy terror for it. I was doing work experience for six months and had to work as a project manager - I practically had a breakdown during it because of all the work i was doing. I took everything on myself. I stopped taking my lunch break, i would go home, open my emails and start working again...even at weekends i would preparing press releases and be "on call" to any disgruntled customers or clients making inquires...basically my mobile was never off - and did I mention this work was UNPAID...I think there is a difference between a committed employee who will go the distance when needs be and one that will ware herself down because she can't say no.

I am so glad to hear you are recovering from bulimia, ED's are so tough and that is such a hard mountain to climb, but you are doing so fantastic...it's just so wonderful to hear and inspires me to believe I can get through this.

I think maybe i do use food to say -no...without realising it. And i have very little believe people, as in my friends should waste their time helping me, that's why I isolate and even when they try and get in I'm always apologising and calling myself a burden, it's not out of pity, it's genuinely because I believe i am a weight around their necks and they would be better off without me, although in truth I don't want them to give up on me.

I am trying to think of myself as a beaker of water...in order to help others I must be full and can pass around water to the beakers (people) as I choose...but as the water empties I have two choices...1. to go back and refill or 2. start melting the sides of the beaker so I've more to give but there is a lot less of me...I hope that makes sense.

-Oh God if today I say to someone sorry I can't do that for i am an empty beaker of water...someone is bound to get some laugh out of me:)

Much love to my other beakers out there
Moongal x

MG,

I love that image! :) Yes, we need to keep our beakers full so that we have plenty to give to others. ♥

Love,

Jen

Congratualtions on sounding confident in the therapy.
I think you should really cut loose the man on dating Site its not very healthy and a bit creepy and is just another burden hun! cruel to be knid to yourself really.

MOST IMPORTANATLY - YES YES YES DEFINATELY YOU SHOULD FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND VOCATION IN LIFE, FORGET ANYONE QUESTIONING YOUR IDEAS OR CAPABILITIES IF YOU DONT PURSUE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN LIFE AND BECOME A NURSE YOU WILL ALWAYS REGRET IT FOREVER JUST ANOTHER HAUNT YOU DONT NEED - DONT LET ANYONE MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOU - YOU KNOW YOURSELF AND INTELEGENCE AND THAT YOU WOULD MAKE A FANTASTIC NURSE - SO GO GET THAT PROSPECTUS FOR COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY AND APPLY ASAP - TRUST ME IT WILL ALSO DO YOU THE WORLD OF GOOD AND HELP NO END WITH RECOVERY FROM YOUR DEMONS!!!

I too am academically inteligent have done array of jobs and educational courses, currently Im doing the advanced ECDL computer it course (just to get proof im computer literate really as self taught over last 18 yrs) previously I did law para legal studies level2 got a distinction loved it. Im a licensee of a pub (as used to own one & a club) worked for virgin airlines, tsb bank I could go on. The next course I want to do is health & social studies of some sort with reference to helping others with mental health probs or vulnerable women fleaing domestic violence as I did.

I had my cards read and she told me that my best way was to pre occupy myself with anything rather than everyday sitting running through the same **** in my head - but what called out to her most was to learn some more - education/courses and that I would do really well and continue to do so and it will give me a purpose and its for myself only - which is rare. Therapeutic! An automatic goal and something to achieve to give you the path for your ambition and job that you really want to do.

Anyway I hope you had a good day today. I look forward to hearing how you get on with therapy, dating bloke and any news on your nursing career!!

Keep positive & smiling xxxx

Have patience with yourself and the situation.
Live in the moment, one day at a time, not fretting about the past or worrying about the future....

You have strength enough for the present, and that is all you need.
Allow yourself the luxury of peace, and don't take on more than you have to.
Learn to let go.

Refuse negative thoughts, replace them with positive ones.
Look for the good things in your life and make a point of appreciating them....

Believe in yourself; know you have the power.
You are ultimatelythe one in charge of your life, and who can change it.

No matter how much others are pulling for you,
YOU must do what needs to be done to make your present and future everything you want and need it to be.

YOU CAN DO IT!

xxx

Hey,
Ya I think I will have too. And do have a terrible time letting people go even if i am taking dents of them. But I have to face facts in regard to me he has a one track mind and it's creepy and a bad way to look at people.

Wow! You sound like you keep yourself busy. I think it's so important to continue to do that or you can be so easily be left behind especially in regard to technology, it's just fanastic that you are continously educating yourself. i agree, goals are fantastic, even mini ones like tomorrow I will call 3 friends I haven't spoken to a while, or I will wash the car, I these little ones really help and build you as a person. And the big big ones give you such a shot of esteem it's better than any drug.

And thanks for the words of encouragement it's tough to tell yourself these things anf truly, from the heart believe them, as we all I'm sure have felt some time. I have to realise the way I talk to me is the way I would never talk to anyone else and that is not ok.

I hope you are having a great day.
Much Love to you
Moongal x

Looking at yesterdays journals and supports and posts - On a natural high, thinking clearly ish, writing from my heart and very positively!
Now look within hours Ive crashed, boomed, banged, in the deepest darkest emptiest but most of all numbingly desperate nasty negative place!
Outta my control - I cant cope with the extremeties that HIGH to that LOW in minutes or hours and the lows longer harder and most of the time nowadays - WHY WHY ME? im not a bad person - but I despise me at the mo and the way I am. I dont deserve shit everyone would be better off without me!!! where does all that come from - I dont want to hurt my kids they need me - but the other part of me has no feelings to consequences or really give a shit when in that mind set - what sort of person really am I? sorry going off on one desperately need help xxx

Great job learning Moon, I too learned I'm a classic enabler, co-depent, took me 2yrs to STOP doing that to myself & take responsibility for myself & say NO... no matter how small or large the situation & ask for what I want too, I finally put myself in the equation.... I love what you guys are teaching others.....

April

Moongal, you have such a phenomenal attitude and outlook and you are really on your way to such a magnificent place in your life. I totally and completely agree on taking care of ourselves in order to really be able to give to others. I believe that if you can't help yourself, then how are you able to help others, and when we are in a good place then we can really reach out and help others in such a good healthy way. I do understand not wanting to be a burden on others, though it seems that your friends are so great for wanting to be there for you. You can pick and choose when you reach out to them for help if that feels more comfortable. They are worried and want to make sure that you are ok, and after all that's friends are for.

Wishing you an absolutely positively sensational day! Hope you're smiling and happy.

Hey,
Thanks puppy. I love talking to all of you guys...because it makes me understand yes, I understand, I've a lot of work to do with my depression, ED and learning to trust again and just in general learning to like myself. Because really that is the key to happiness.

But sharing experiences makes you feel you're already half way there.

Hope you are having a great day too.
Much love to you
Moongal x

Saying NO is super hard. The guilt sets in. The eating disorders starts up. "You're so lazy, you're so selfish, you couldn't just help out with this one thing, look how horrible you are" and on and on and on.

But the word "no" is beyond powerful. Saying no is not about selfishness and it's not about laziness and it's not about being a bad person. Saying "no" to someone is saying, "I am putting my own needs and my own wants on the map, I am standing up for myself, and I am choosing what's best for me."

I really enjoyed reading your thought process. I think you have experienced an "A-ha!" moment and some wheels are turning.

Great work in therapy today. Yes, it IS exhausting.