When the humilation and hurt in my heart leave me

Hey Guys,
I don't know if this will be of any use to anyone out there, but maybe someone could help me out. I was really badly treated in my last relationship....hurt and humiliated.

What he has taken from me he can never give me. He has hurt me and taken advantage of my caring nature, cos I was fool and truly wanted to believe he was a better person than he was. He has humilated me, in that he has spoken to our mutual friends about intimate things...and hurt me so many times I can't count.

I can't forget these things...and I can't forgive myself for letting them happen.

How do I get through this? How do I take this weight that's on me and pass it on to him and start to really believe that it wasn't my fault.

A really lost...
Moongal x

Moongal, I am truly so sorry for what you are going through regarding your ex. To me, there's nothing worse than deceit from someone who you trust implicitly. And, on top of it, you trusted that he was a good person, because you are such a warm, open, caring and compassionate person. I can imagine that you gave your whole self to him, as I would to someone who I cared for and loved. What you need to know is that you did everything right, he is the one who should be bearing the weight of his deceit. You can't change anything that has happened and anything that he did, but what you can do is learn and grow from this.

And, you have absolutely nothing to forgive yourself for...you were open, honest, and did everything right. Please don't give this guy so much power over you. He does not deserve to have this affect on you.

What you need to focus on is you and moving on and away from this. I know that's so much easier said than done, trust me I know. But, we will get you through this. I know that wholeheartedly, by taking it one step at a time, and one day at a time.

Close your eyes, picture your beautiful future...what do you wish for? picture all of this...smile! Focus on that every time that you even revert back to this situation.

Dearest Moon,

I am sorry that you were hurt so badly. It is awful and yes it feels shameful, but do not worry. Your wounds will heal.

I know you feel bad for "allowing" this to happen to you, but you shouldn't. What happened was not your fault, you were taken advantage of because you are a loving soul.

We are much alike. We want to see the good in people and have hope for them and believe them to be better than they actually are. We fall in love easily and love fully with every fiber of our being.

What he has done to you will eventually fade into the background falling further behind you. It will always be there somewhere, and at times will come back to sting your eyes with tears, but the hurt will be so much less in time.

I stayed with an abuser for 12 long years. For the longest time I blamed myself thinking I was worthless and deserved what he did to me.

I have been away from him for 3 years now and I still have issues from all the abuse, but I am definately healing and am so much better than I was 3 years ago.

It is a long process, but you will recover and go on. You have to! What good is life if we merely choose to simply exist? There is so much out there, so many people to meet, books to read, sunsets to be watched, laughs to share.

You are a beautiful person moon! You must train yourself to believe that! That is where I am now. Forcing myself to believe I am more beautiful and less disaster.

If I could write my life in 6 words it would be:
Once felt worthless. Realized I'm priceless.

You too are priceless moon! You have to believe it!

Moongal, what Beautiful wrote from her own experience should give you so much hope and uplift. You are such an amazing person with so much to give, I just don't want this guy to deter you from the happiness that you deserve to have in your life. I know that you need to work through this, which I know that you have been, but try not to let it get the better of you. We are here to get you through this. Please keep sharing and updating us on your feelings.

Moon do your best to not play into any of what this person that you use to care about has done or is doing for HE IS showing HIS TRUE COLORS & others will eventually figure it out, even if you still speak w/the mutual friends from time to time, HE is the one that is paying a price just being WHO HE IS & has to look at himself everyday, he may not figure it out til hes 60 but it will happen.....its a sad fact but true.

Much love, April

You all give such great advice! Moon, hang in there! I'm still healing myself from an abuse relationship, so I understand. Bad thing is, I allowed myself to get into another bad one. I'm hear to listen and you'll be in my prayers.

Although I can go on and on about my similiar experiences and what you should do, my advice is simple. Walk away, let him go and never look back.

xo, July

Hey guys,
Thanks for the advice.

Puppy thank you for the heartwarming words, they really mean a lot and you are right I have nothing to be sorry for.

Beauty...I am so so sorry for what happened with you, it is so hard to describe the hurt that is caused and it really carries on you. I understand I am genuinely sorry for what was done to you.

April you are right, they are HIS issues and HIS colours. And somedays i really really take that into my heart and believe it, but others all I can think of is "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this?" My whole self is begging me to forgive myself...and I am really trying.

Liar2me...keep fighting against negative relationships, believe me, i know that is difficult. But someone who is making you feel bad about you...is not worth offering part of yourself too, keep yourself for someone who truly deserves you.

And July, thanks for the advice....I have very much let him go, really don't care for him. However, it's that part that he took from me that utter humialtion, the hurt when you give and give and hope and get nothing in return. That's what he has taken...and I have to forgive myself for letting that go on.

Thanks guys for all the advice and kind words
Love to you
Moongal x

Maybe so Moongal, but you have gained a lot of courage and strength from this experience. I’m so proud of you. Letting people go is so difficult. I admire how you’re handling this.

xo, July

Thanks July,
But really at the moment I don't feel like there is much to admire. i feel like I'm constantly afraid and when I think back, I actually flinch, my brain doesn't want to think about it.

I just to be able to say...what he did to me, that was his fault not mine, and take all the humilation that lays on my shoulders and put it where it belongs.

One day i hope...
Love to you hun
Moongal x

You are being strong, and that is what I admire. It’s so very easy for us to be angry and forget that underneath all of that is just plain hurt. You sound very vulnerable and honest, that is why you’ll get through this. I’m certain of it.

I understand where you care coming through. I just recently broke up with a guy who I thought I really loved. But looking back I see that I gave everything from money to my time and support and got nothing in return. Sometimes it is hard to see when you are in love. The real person always comes out and its good that we didnt settle down with these guys before it was too late. If you need anything I am here to talk! Hope all is well.

Thanks Anne,
To be honest I always in my heart knew we weren't to be but something let me drop my standards of what was ok and what was not way down.

I am so sorry you had to go through that pain i understand it and it feels just so wrong. I hope you are coping well hun.

Love to you
Moongal x

Moongal, it's pretty amazing that you knew in your gut early on that he wasn't right for you. I have been down that path, something didn't sit well with me, yet I pushed through the feelings. I can tell you that nothing good came out on the other end. As well, he is the one who wronged you, not you him, this it all falls on him, not on you.

All of these facts should help you move so far and away from this. Keep remembering that you did nothing wrong.

Thanks Puppy,
Oh I know, and I'm so glad it's over. But this awful humilated flinch that comes over me everytime I think of it. And i didn't do anything wrong...really really i didn't i protected him to the end...and he did NOTHING for me, only make me feel bad.

I just need to let that humilation go and say, that wasn't me, you didn't deserve that...those are his issues to think he had the right to treat someone like that.

I don't care for him honestly. But I just want to let go of this history.

Love to you hun
Moongal x

Don't let his evilness ring you down to his level. It's hard to trust and love someone so much, to have them be the one to destroy it all. I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years, and had to escape from him. Once I did, I didn't have time to focus on healing because I had two kids to care for. I've since then, been in a relationship or two, and still have not faced what my abuser did to me. Just because I got away from him, didn't take the scars he left me with.
It took me another marriage and divorce, to realize I'm still not over what he did to me. This has been over 10 years! I still remember some of it as though it was yesterday. I'm finally letting some of it go in sessions and on here. I wish I could say it would dissappear soon, but I can't. I would suggest getting it out now, to enable you to start your healing process quicker than I did. You can't run from it! Keep talking...good luck.

Hey thanks liar2me,
I am so sorry you suffered like thhat....for so long too. You just get so stuck in this rut of..."if i'm better, it will be easier"...but it never gets easier.

I hope you are coping through....have you considered a few therapy sessions, my therapist is working wonders with me and getting that pain out...it really may help you too.

And keep chatting here hun

Love to you
Moongal x

I am really sorry for the hurt that both of you are feeling, it really breaks my heart. I know that it's easy for me to sit here and give advice, such as move on...but I can imagine how difficult it is and I truly empathize with both of you. My close friend is in therapy for pain that man caused her two years ago and she's still working through it session by session. It honestly took me a while to understand why so much pain two years later, but when it's so deep rooted, then it takes time to heal that pain.

Moongal, your recommendation to Liar2me for therapy is so right on, because I see how much it's helping my friend. I also realize that there's only so much that friends and family can do to help one through these situations. Sometimes you need that objective point of view and a therapist offers just that. They are totally removed from the situation, thus don't have the emotional ties or resentments.

Please keep sharing with us here on how you are doing.

Hey thanks Puppy,
Ya it's just about closing those wounds, therapy is really helping me as you can see through my posts and as soon as you admit to yourself how badly damaged and hurt you are, that is when the healing starts. You have to go through the hell of confronting it before you start to heal...as with all emotional issues...cos when you stick your head in the sand it just stops everything.

Thanks hun for the encouragement, hope you doing great.

Love to you
Moongal x

That's so true and such a tremendous lesson for all of us; it's all about facing it head-on which can be a very frightening thing to do, but there really is no other way to heal. I see the pain and anguish in my friend now that she's facing and dealing with the deep rooted pain. It's unbelievable.

The hurt and damage that these men have done is so upsetting to me, I just want to take the hurt and pain from all of you and heal your hearts. I only wish for everyone to find true genuine love, nothing would make me happier.