When will this ever end

I feel like my story is no different then the next broken soul. I was molested/raped as a child/teen. Verbally abusive parents, years of rebellion and misuse of alcohol. Marrying into and continuing the cycle of domestic violence until I was 30 yoa. I have had counseling off and on thru out the years. Antidepressants that do not work, anti anxiety meds that really just fixes PTSD temporary and I can't get any relief. I have severe issues with physical intimacy. Anytime in the past 10 years I have been sexual, I am always intoxicated. That has been rare trust me. I fear for my safety in my own home. It is a fight or flight mode. I am very uncomfortable being alone with a man, even if I know he will not harm me. I can not trust really. Not my family, my friends. I seem to isolate myself avoiding any activities with my friends or family. I don't want everyone to know how unhappy I am with my life. I pray, I meditate, I educate myself with books and yet at the end of the day....I am still afraid of my shadow it seems. I feel like I should go back to counseling but it seems even there, I just talk about it and validate it but it never seems to dissapate or resolve itself. Does anyone else have this problem? I tried to have an emotional connection about 3 years ago with a man. Some how it went terribly wrong and even to this day I can't stop wondering why I self sabbotage myself like I did. For the first time in a long long long time, I actually felt that I was capable of emotions and love and yet I screwed it up. Then I am brokenhearted and it seems all the past pain and hurt is on the surface again on top of my grief. Will this ever end?

oh dear im not sure that it ends but u do come to terms with the past and find u can forgive yourself for the imagined sins you have committed.
grief is a huge emotion and it doenst go away overnight or in a week. for some it is a constant ache that is like a dull pain always close to the surface,

as for being capable of emotionns and love of course u are but u need to do each step to allow the shackles of the past where they belong in the past.

so when u are ready to post the first bit u wish to get off your chest we will b waiting for u
meanwhile sending u loving thoughts and positive vibes

oh and although all the stories have a simular theme they are all unique because each and every one of u are a special person in your own right. it is your walk to the other side that is the important part in any journey and how u get there helps others who might need to identify with something u have said/done or just u reaching out gives them courage and hope that they too make it/can endure the pain of starting to reach out in turn.

stay positive and keep posting bluidkiti is very good and has dealt with a lot so im sure they will have some good advice for u

Hi WORKINPROGRESS, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . You are exactly what you have as your user name - a work in progress. I suggest going back to counseling. Maybe try a different counselor. To get better, we have to face and deal with our issues. Sometimes it can be too much to deal with all of them all at once so we may have to take one issue at a time. I found taking an antidepressant and counseling in combination helpful. It's not always enough to just take a medication to treat the symptoms. We also have to deal with the underlying problems. With all that you have been through, I can certainly understand why you have problems with having a relationship with anyone. It's gonna take work on your part. Are you ready to do the work? It's not always easy but you can get better. You can have a life worth living. You may have to start out with taking little tiny baby steps but you can do this. Keep sharing with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Dear workinprogress, your playing my song & my husband of 19yrs has alot of thoses issues (which he will not deal with & in denial) as for me, its taken years to lighten up on myself for not understanding MYSELF & what I directly or indirectly brought into my life but finally started getting most of it the past 5yrs. so it sounds like your well on your way, which is half the battle,and the feelings will subside as you take this journey/road your on, I admire you for making the strides you have, lots of kindness & love & respect, keep going.

April

Thank you everyone. Thank you very much. I do believe I probably do need to choose a different counselor and try try try again. I am very happy to be here on this site to be with people who have been thru this very same struggle. It is hard to talk to family and friends when they have not been in that situation. I appreciate all replies and I hope to learn to be supportive of all of you as well. Anything I can do to help others like me, seems like helping myself. Thank you again.

it us who has to thank u workinprogress it takes courage to open up and allow others in to the unsavory aspects of our lives, yes do try a different consulor or use this site as a sounding board for what u want to ask the consulor about, and keep moving thru the painfullness of gettin there.

dont b afraid just to log and complain about your day if u are having a bad one and do tell us what u want to do so we can support u with your choices, we are non judgemental here because we all to some degree have been there or know someone who is going thru the things u are

as usual sending loving thoughts and positive vibes

Have you heard of EMDR? I am trying it and hopefully it works. I have heard a lot of success stories and hope that it works for me. You might want to look into it.

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse